Ex Date Won't Give Me MY Money Back! Advise please

cornish123

Fraise wrote: »

G

No, I'm not gullible at all. Quite the opposite. He's just a very clever conman.

We were only seeing each other for just six weeks, but in that time we packed a lot in and spent hours, days, nights, weekends together...

I didn't buy him the plane ticket - I booked it. And the reason for that was he was on a job driving, and needed to book urgently, and so asked me. He gave me his bank details, passport number etc...that's all that was.

He took me out for meals etc, and yes, I cooked meals for him too. He'd supply the wine, though. He also did jobs for me in the house, and no, he didn't invoice me lol

The courts couldn't possibly say the car was a gift as he ASKED me for the money. I have it in black and white...it's in my first post.

fair enough, but it does take two to tango.

convince yourself that he was a super clever, one in a million conman all you like, the reality is, he probably wasn't, probably just your average joe who was just an opportunist that seen an easy target.

If he was such a great conman, he would have taken you for a lot more than a grand or so.

It just beggars belief that someone would lend money to someone who is pretty much a complete stranger like that, I don't know anyone that would, and I know plenty of people that fall head over heals in the blink of an eye, and none would hand over a wedge of cash to their new partner.

Its like those 70 year old grannies going on holiday and bringing back a toy boy, who then takes them for everything, and they make the papers saying, I though he loved me, we were going to get married etc etc and you just read it, thinking !!!!!! was she on.

Or the people who receive letters and emails from the friendly Nigerian guy that just needs your help to gain his inheritance, you just need to give him 5k and you'll get back 10 times as much

Fraise

cornish123 wrote: »

fair enough, but it does take two to tango.

convince yourself that he was a super clever, one in a million conman all you like, the reality is, he probably wasn't, probably just your average joe who was just an opportunist that seen an easy target.

If he was such a great conman, he would have taken you for a lot more than a grand or so.

It just beggars belief that someone would lend money to someone who is pretty much a complete stranger like that, I don't know anyone that would, and I know plenty of people that fall head over heals in the blink of an eye, and none would hand over a wedge of cash to their new partner.

Its like those 70 year old grannies going on holiday and bringing back a toy boy, who then takes them for everything, and they make the papers saying, I though he loved me, we were going to get married etc etc and you just read it, thinking !!!!!! was she on.

Or the people who receive letters and emails from the friendly Nigerian guy that just needs your help to gain his inheritance, you just need to give him 5k and you'll get back 10 times as much

I don't have to convince myself about anything: I witnessed his behaviour - not you - so you're not qualified to judge what he was thinking, nor are you qualified to judge me. I'm certainly no easy target - which is why I'm so astounded I lent him the money. Neither am I some gullible 70-year-old whose been bamboozled by a boy young enough to be my grandson lol. I'm in my 40s, fit and attractive, well-educated, and worldly. I also have men who pursue me that are educated, wealthy etc....I'm not hard up for a date. And I'm not a fool, either.

You possibly read too many downmarket magazines where women of a certain age get fooled by a foreign waiter after just one night and end up selling their homes and giving the waiters all the proceeds. My story is a world apart from that.

You clearly haven't read my posts properly, otherwise you'd know he wasn't a complete stranger to me. We'd only known each other for just over six weeks, but during that time we spent lots of time together. And I mean lots. You're implying that had I been dating him for, say, a year or so, then it would have been fine to loan him money...but you could date someone for a year, meeting up just once a week, and still only know them as well as I knew him within six weeks. We saw each other at weekends, during the week (both days and nights) and spent up to four hours each night on the phone talking to each other. People who only see each other once a week for a year actually spend less time together than I did with him in that six weeks.

Actually, your way of thinking is strange, because there's lots of men out there who will play the long haul game before going in for the kill. So, what you're saying is, it's okay to lend someone money if you've dated for a year or so? Really??

You're accusing me of being gullible, yet I think you're naive to put everyone in the same group. Do you think I'd send a Nigerian scammer thousands of pounds too? That's a ludicrous comparison to make, and if you can't see that, then you clearly lack the ability to differentiate between circumstances.

I've already said I was stupid to loan him the money. I realised it straight away. Some of my friends have even said that maybe he wasn't out to scam me (he definitely had the hots for me, that's for sure) and maybe he was genuinely upset that I went back on my word when he asked me to transfer the money. I know he was stuck on the Friday and really needed a car for business that day. Had I paid for it, it would have been waiting for him at his house on his return. But the fact remains, that BECAUSE I'm no pushover, I decided not to transfer the money. I was suspicious. And then he "got" me on the Friday when I was half asleep and not thinking clearly.

He isn't an idiot - he's sharp as anything - and he knows very well that I'm solvent. As another poster said, he could have tried his luck and swindled much more out of me than £1400 had he so wished. So I am baffled why he didn't. Up until that Friday he was constantly in contact with me, and had even arranged decorators for me who are friends of his, and was talking about us going on holiday abroad later in the year.

Whatever, whether he got a giant huff on that I went back on my word, or whether it was a pre-planned scam and he lied throughout all our time together (in words, actions, body language, eye contact..) it doesn't matter now. The fact is - he owes me £1400 - and he's ignoring me. Which means he has no intention of repaying it.

I want my money back. Simple.

C_Mababejive

Fraise wrote: »

LOL, no he doesn't. He lives in London. Is there another one of these specimens in Hakifax?

Oh yes,they are everywhere..both male and female. There are a lot of them in Lagos internet cafes too and on various beaches around the world.

Fraise

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Oh yes,they are everywhere..both male and female. There are a lot of them in Lagos internet cafes too and on various beaches around the world.

Yep, I'm well aware of that. But this man didn't pop up on the Internet from Nigeria, nor was he an 18-year-old waiter working on a beach.

We actually met in the flesh and began a relationship.

moneyistooshorttomention

Fraise wrote: »

I agree with you to a certain extent, but it's the principle that irks me. I have more than he possibly will ever have, so it's not just a monetary issue. I am annoyed that he could do such a cheap, mean thing, so why should I let him get away with it?

Yes, it might cost me a few hundred chasing the money, including a few hours filling out forms etc, but ultimately he will be the one with a CCJ if he refuses to cough up. He isn't a kid, he's in his 40s, and I know he would love to become successful. If he has black marks all over his credit file it will make things tough for him, and may prevent him doing it to some other woman.

He can't do a runner as he lives at his parents house whilst (supposedly) buying a flat nearby. I know for a fact he lives there, and I also have all his contact details....work address...date of birth (I even have his passport number) as I booked his flight ticket. I've also met a couple of his friends who i can get hold of, so even if he laid low he'd be easy to find. He's very distinctive too, as is his work vehicle...

To be honest, I'm amazed he's hiding like this..all over £1400, which is a lot in some ways, but peanuts in others ways. He's so ridiculously cheap.

With him still living at parents house - then the question arises whether they are just as disreputable as him, or whether they are more honourable people and will put pressure on him to cough up. He may be a crook because they were and brought him up to be one too - or they may be decent people.

Its a risk and its good odds that he learnt to be so dishonourable from them - but its always possible that they might be decent people (despite having someone like him for a son).

I'd take the gamble personally - and go and see them. After all, you've got nothing to lose. NB: If they ask to see evidence of what he has done - hand them a copy or something (ie not the original). Just to protect yourself in case they tried to take the opportunity to destroy the evidence.

When someone stole money from me before - I took the gamble of telling the thief's parents. I still don't know whether the thief's parents were honourable people or no - or it was the fact that I had proved to them that I had the evidence of the theft that worked. I could/would have used that evidence to tell the employers of the thief's boyfriend (ie because he was in a job that demanded he be trustworthy).

For whatever reason - whether it was because the parents were honourable or because they appreciated the risk to the job of their daughters boyfriend - it worked. I got my money back. I had told them I would take it no further - provided I was repaid. I got my money and so I forgot about the matter.

moneyistooshorttomention

BTW - I hope you're not still planning on using those decorator friends of his? Birds of a feather as the phrase goes....

Fraise

Candyapple wrote: »

Have a read of this thread and heed the advice, you need to go back to the police and take advice from a solicitor.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5214988

Also, you are very similar to the OP in that thread, the only difference being she lost over £30k. [Text removed by Forum Team]

I read the thread you directed me to, and I really can't compare me or my situation to the woman who started said thread.

I feel sorry for her; she's clearly vulnerable. I'm not. Not at all. I made ONE mistake...I didn't give £30k away (that I'd had to borrow) to someone I'd met on a free dating site, who told ridiculously transparent lies from the very start - hid his true identity and address - and looked like a convict.

The poor woman didn't even have proper dates with the creep: he just visited her a few times and had sex with her. Most of the "relationship" was conducted by text on a PAYG phone...I mean...

So how you've managed to compare my situation with hers is extraordinary.

In case you didn't read my post thoroughly, I will tell you again:

I contacted him through eBay as he is a business seller

When he came to my house we were immediately attracted to one another

We started speaking on the phone, both our mobiles and landlines

He asked me out and took me to dinner

During the short time together (six weeks) he took me for meals, to pubs, theatre, the beach; brought me food his mother had cooked, did work around my house, got decorators in for me, fixed my car, got a gardener friend of his to work for me at a special rate, and seemed smitten with me. He paid his way and never asked for a thing. I cooked him meals, and he supplied the wine. He was hot-blooded and clearly found me as attractive as I found him.....and he stayed overnight at weekends and occasionally during the week.

We had looooong conversations where the time flew, and everything seemed lovely. He didn't look like a convict like that poor victim's creep did, in fact, he was incredibly handsome. And tall. And well-dressed and clean.

It was when he asked me to do a "small" favour for him that I became wary. Unlike the poor woman who gave away over £30k to a man whose name she didn't even know, I loaned £1400 to someone whose real name I knew, date of birth, address, parents address, business address, car/van reg numbers, ebay account, passport number, bank account details....about the only thing I didn't know was his blood group.

I was on his Facebook, and am still on his Twitter account, I've met his friends, he's met mine (including my grown-up daughter), have met his work associates, have photographs of him and us together....and we were talking of going away later this year.

To give me SOME credit, he wasn't the stranger you're implying he was, nor was he some oddball from a free dating site whose real name I didn't even know.

I could be wrong about him...maybe he was right when he said how hurt he was that I didn't trust him....but the fact remains he hasn't repaid me MY money. And I'm no soft touch, either. I may have been a tad weak in the head that Fruday morning, but I'm not letting him get away with it. The fact also remains that if he was a decent man he'd pay me my money back.

I have the time, energy, determination and means to get it back. I Simply asked for advice on the best to go about retrieving it, I didn't ask for unqualified people to make judgements about my mental health. In fact, when people are quick to suggest a person needs a psychiatrist, it says more about their own happiness factor than iit does about the person seeking advice.

Candyapple

One thing I would say is you mention he turned on the charm and used his looks to hoodwink you, and then you go into great detail slating his looks and character assassination. Regardless of how you met him, granted it wasn't on a dating site like most of these con men, or that he wasn't ugly, simple fact remains is you knew him for 6 weeks and even though you stress you knew him so well and spent all this time together and have all these identifying details like you have his passport number and know where his parents live, you still gave him over a grand, however much spin you put on it being due to early morning, sleepy etc. That is something that you will need to look at introspectively. Different con men use different tricks to dupe women but the bottom line is still the same; once the money is in their hands, good luck seeing or hearing from them again or getting a penny back. As you've found out to your detriment, all that time you spent on the phone to him, all the favours he did you amounted to the same thing; he was buttering you up to get your money. It just doesn't make any sense otherwise why he would send you texts after calling you crazy and blocking you. I won't comment anymore on your state of mind, it's clear from your posts that you are angry you got duped.

Quick question - how did it go from him asking you to pay money into a car auction site account to you paying money directly into his bank account?

If you know where his parents live, have you thought about turning up and explaining what their son has done and that you won't take the matter further as long as you get your money back?

Have you spoken or seen him at all since you sent the money?

Fraise

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

With him still living at parents house - then the question arises whether they are just as disreputable as him, or whether they are more honourable people and will put pressure on him to cough up. He may be a crook because they were and brought him up to be one too - or they may be decent people.

Its a risk and its good odds that he learnt to be so dishonourable from them - but its always possible that they might be decent people (despite having someone like him for a son).

I'd take the gamble personally - and go and see them. After all, you've got nothing to lose. NB: If they ask to see evidence of what he has done - hand them a copy or something (ie not the original). Just to protect yourself in case they tried to take the opportunity to destroy the evidence.

When someone stole money from me before - I took the gamble of telling the thief's parents. I still don't know whether the thief's parents were honourable people or no - or it was the fact that I had proved to them that I had the evidence of the theft that worked. I could/would have used that evidence to tell the employers of the thief's boyfriend (ie because he was in a job that demanded he be trustworthy).

For whatever reason - whether it was because the parents were honourable or because they appreciated the risk to the job of their daughters boyfriend - it worked. I got my money back. I had told them I would take it no further - provided I was repaid. I got my money and so I forgot about the matter.

Thank you for your advice - yours is the most helpful I've had!

I think a family visit may be good, but I shall have to get my timing right. I know the house, and although I've not met his parents I've seen photos of them and know a little about them. I believe they are respectable people, I'm convinced of that.

He is a born and bred Londoner, but his parents are from the south Mediterranean. I'm sure they would be furious with him if he brought shame to the family.

I know for a fact that his mother who's in her mid 70s recently had a serious heart operation (he showed me the pictures of her in the recovery room....many Mediterranean people are inclined to take such photos....), and she really isn't in good health. She also went out of her way to give him some homemade cake she'd made in return for a soothing CD I gave to him for her (birds singing etc, which I never listened to). It was all very sweet, then. I really don't want to give her any stress, so would rather speak to his dad, who seems an amenable man. I do know his mum signed for the special delivery letter I sent to him that had the pre court letter inside, but I bet he didn't tell her what was in it.

I'm glad you've made this suggestion, because I might have some leverage with this. He'd hate them to find out that he owes me money. I'm sure of that. He respects his parents...I remember some of the comments he made and how he obviously cared about them - and I suspected he also kept things from them to save face.. I know he's building a large villa in his parents home country, I've seen all the photos etc, and he pops over there when he has a chance. He's actually a hard worker (from what I've seen), and if what he said is true he's had a lot bad luck with various ventures and made bad mistakes. He admitted it. He's supposedly lost money on a bad property investment, and moved out of his own house after his divorce of some years back, which is why it's taken so long to get back on his feet again.....it would be crazy for him to undo the hard work he's done and end up with a CCJ just for the sake of £1440k.

I'm quite baffled, actually....

Thank you, again, I find your advice really helpful.

Fraise

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

BTW - I hope you're not still planning on using those decorator friends of his? Birds of a feather as the phrase goes....

Funnily enough, their quote was the cheapest one I got. And they're reputable decorators. Which makes it seem all the more odd......

Obviously, I can't use them now as the owner is such a close friend of his and it would all be too embarrassing and awkward for me.