Are you dating an emotional manipulator?

calleyw

166million wrote: »

No I would never do that. I am very careful not to as I hate that sort of thing.
Thanks

I have just read the thread about low self esteem that you commented on.

Do you suffer from it that could be the part of the issue.

Also when you have disagreement I have read that you again you should not blame the other person. you say "I feel X when Y happens" so you are never blaming the other person.

Yours

Calley

cherryblossomzel

This post is quite timely for me. I have a colleague who I think is in an emotionally abusive relationship. She's been with her partner for a long time and they have 2 small girls. She loves him, but I think she realizes that at least some of his behaviours are not acceptable. She is also starting to think about how it will affect their children.


HOWEVER, I don't see her leaving him anytime soon. I think she doesn't believe that she is strong enough to stand up to him, or to leave him.


I would like to support her, but not sure how: I don't want to encourage her to just leave him, because I don't believe she is ready for that, but what else can I do? For those people who have been in the situation: is there anything that a third party could have done/told you that might have helped you?

calleyw

cherryblossomzel wrote: »

This post is quite timely for me. I have a colleague who I think is in an emotionally abusive relationship. She's been with her partner for a long time and they have 2 small girls. She loves him, but I think she realizes that at least some of his behaviours are not acceptable. She is also starting to think about how it will affect their children.


HOWEVER, I don't see her leaving him anytime soon. I think she doesn't believe that she is strong enough to stand up to him, or to leave him.


I would like to support her, but not sure how: I don't want to encourage her to just leave him, because I don't believe she is ready for that, but what else can I do? For those people who have been in the situation: is there anything that a third party could have done/told you that might have helped you?

I understand how you feel. As I have been the friend not knowing how to help. I was called a !!!!!! and wh0re by there partners. They did not even know me and only said that because they did not like them being friends with me.

I felt guilty as with one I did not know how bad it was. And felt I should have known and helped.

Just make sure they know you are there for them anytime. And they can talk to you. When they are ready they will ask for help. Maybe find out about places they get help from. So when they are ready you can point them in the right direction.

Yours

Calley

PeacefulWaters

166million wrote: »

How are you doing PW?:A

I'm carrying on as usual at the moment. Plus consciously observing Mrs OW. It's not good.

Also trying to figure out what to do and when to do it.

meritaten

True Narcissists would read this thread and NEVER recognise their own character traits. if you worry you can be manipulative or controlling - then you are NOT a narcissist! everyone manipulates or controls to some degree - its the nature of a relationship. A Narcissist does it to the nth degree. to the point they drive another person away, or to mental distress or even suicide. but to them that person has done it on purpose to annoy/distress THEM! because THEY are the centre of the universe and THEY are never in the wrong. and yes, they can appear charming and wonderful to those who don't really know them. or the 'poor me' type who everyone feels sorry for. While their closest relatives wonder what is wrong with THEM. short answer is that nothing is wrong with them. the problem is the narcissists.

PeacefulWaters

Currently procrastinating over trying to have a constructive conversation.

PeacefulWaters

More reading. What have I allowed myself to become? This is too close to be wrong.

A narcissistic wife is one who typically will engage in manipulative, intimidating and demeaning tactics to assert control over her husband. Common behaviors include near-constant criticism and blame, disregard for the opinions and emotions of her spouse, contradiction of stated positions and empirical facts, and sudden outbursts of temper. The husband of a narcissistic wife is often, as a result, on edge, attempting to avoid actions and statements which might cause another outburst.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder characterized by a need for praise and recognition and an overinflated sense of self-worth and importance. These feelings exceed healthy self confidence, making others seem less important than they are, but this inflated self-image is highly fragile. Constant praise and approval is sought, and any criticism is likely to be met with hostility.

Raising self-worth by devaluing the worth of others is one way narcissists maintain this high opinion. Usually, the people closest are targeted, and a narcissistic wife is likely to belittle her husband. Criticism of the husband’s abilities, opinions and values elevate her position in the household, making her the knowledgeable authority and best decision maker in her own eyes. Over time, the husband may believe her and come to the same conclusion as well.

Another common trait of the narcissistic wife is the need for a sense of control. She is likely to make “executive decisions,” expecting the family to accept her plans without discussion. When she does consult with her husband, she is typically looking for approval, not an honest assessment. Criticism and disagreement are not welcome.

Challenge to that control can be reduced by attempting to reduce the influence of others. A narcissistic wife may try to limit her husband’s contact with people likely to contradict her or sympathize with his opinions. The husband may avoid speaking with family and friends to prevent fights at home.

Manipulation and deception are also frequently used to maintain this control. Blatant lies, contradicting her own statements or observable facts, are also often used. If challenged, she will defend her position, calling the other party wrong, lying, or deranged.

The presence of a narcissistic wife can also be observed in the behavior of the husband. Living with narcissistic personality disorder is extremely stressful, and the husband is likely to be suffering from symptoms of chronic stress that may include frequent headache, nausea, or insomnia. He is likely to censor his own thoughts and behavior in an attempt to “keep the peace.” With his self-image under constant assault, he may also exhibit signs of depression or paranoia.

ifeelsad

I was in a relationship with someone like this and actually realising that the person is a narcissist isn't that easy. If they are really manipulative they can make you think it is your fault and each time you doubt them they are so good at wriggling out of it that it ends up with you doubting yourself and thinking they are amazing after all.

PW, you now have an explanation for your wife's behaviour and it's not going to change. I hope you can get out soon as you deserve much better than this. Everyone does.

meritaten

ifeelsad wrote: »

I was in a relationship with someone like this and actually realising that the person is a narcissist isn't that easy. If they are really manipulative they can make you think it is your fault and each time you doubt them they are so good at wriggling out of it that it ends up with you doubting yourself and thinking they are amazing after all.

PW, you now have an explanation for your wife's behaviour and it's not going to change. I hope you can get out soon as you deserve much better than this. Everyone does.

this is so true - it took us years to realise just how my MIL was manipulating us. even now some members of the family wont speak to us because they thought we were so horrible to 'poor mam'. even though we were the ones who cared for her and indulged her every whim - this side of the family (the ones who didn't have much contact, only heard her complaints and whines about us. which we were unaware of).
MIL was a master manipulator - which most of us were aware of - but to friends and family she was 'Poor Agnes', we could be there twentyfour/seven and PoorAgnes would complain nobody had been there.
we took care of her - but PoorAgnes would tell them she had bedsores - she didn't!
Narcissisists are liars and manipulators - and totally disregard the feelings of those they profess to love. I think they are budding Sociopaths.

SanguineSteve

The flip side of this is that i recognise those (the OP checklist) in myself and they have invariable bubbled up during the course of my relationships.

As a result, I now have zero confidence in even taking the first steps of a new relationship. As soon as things start looking vaguely serious (i.e - they show interest in seeing me again) I usually pull the rip-cord.

It's not like I have ever actively set out to destroy a person's confidence or be nasty. I think it just manifests as a consequence of having a really low tolerance of other people (generally) and there never being a good reaction to, in my experience of saying it, "I really like you, but i'd like to see you a bit less...."