Are you dating an emotional manipulator?

calleyw

SanguineSteve wrote: »

The flip side of this is that i recognise those (the OP checklist) in myself and they have invariable bubbled up during the course of my relationships.

As a result, I now have zero confidence in even taking the first steps of a new relationship. As soon as things start looking vaguely serious (i.e - they show interest in seeing me again) I usually pull the rip-cord.

It's not like I have ever actively set out to destroy a person's confidence or be nasty. I think it just manifests as a consequence of having a really low tolerance of other people (generally) and there never being a good reaction to, in my experience of saying it, "I really like you, but i'd like to see you a bit less...."

Have you thought about going and talking to your dr about this.

There is so much help out there. The 1st step is you admit you are like this so know there is a problem.

All the best what ever you do.

Yours

Calley

PeacefulWaters

I know I'm guilty of amateur internet psychiatry here, but the more I read the more the word "narcissist" fits. The more I observe my wife's behaviour, the more it fits (numerous examples such as my failure to hang a shirt up as well as she can fitting into the putting me down needlessly category). The more I look at myself and how I've changed over the years, the more it fits.

Telling a narcissist to stop behaving that way seems pointless.

Yet I'm still wanting to be wrong. I'm still hoping for some sort of miracle. But it doesn't half feel like a one way love. Which means I've allowed myself to be used for most of my adult life.

But what if I'm wrong? Well I'm still not feeling loved, wanted or appreciated. So I have to do something to rock the boat. Although there is a 17 year old taking A levels next summer to consider too.

When I've requested change in the past it has lasted no more than a few weeks. Close to perfection for affection, companionship and sex, but always moreorless stopping abruptly for all these things. Is it worth repeating such requests and expecting a permanency to improvements in the relationship? I doubt it.

I could make threats to leave. But while I could carry out such a threat is that really doesn't feel like a respectful way to work through problems.

Or I could just tell her I've had enough and I'm going. Which feels a bit cowardly.

calleyw

PW,

Do you really want to stay another year. At 17 though legally a child they are not really a child any more. And I am sure they can understand things are not good. There must be atmosphere in the house that even they can detect.

Most people say people don't change. But they can. I am changing the person I am. but that it because I want to and am working hard on it.

Do you really think you can work through the issues, Its going to take a lot of hard work and your wife to admit it. If you wife can't see that there is an issue then you are stuck. Don't forget you are leaving your wife and not your child.

Please think of yourself at the moment. Easy to say as I am not in your position and only you know if there is a glimmer a hope. But please take some very serious thought over it all.

You stay because you think leaving is worse. Is it really. So that you can find someone who is loving, caring, affectionate and on your side.

All the best.

Yours

Calley

PeacefulWaters

calleyw wrote: »

PW,

Do you really want to stay another year. At 17 though legally a child they are not really a child any more. And I am sure they can understand things are not good. There must be atmosphere in the house that even they can detect.

Most people say people don't change. But they can. I am changing the person I am. but that it because I want to and am working hard on it.

So much change has been short lived over the years.

Do you really think you can work through the issues, Its going to take a lot of hard work and your wife to admit it. If you wife can't see that there is an issue then you are stuck. Don't forget you are leaving your wife and not your child.

Yes, I get that. The heart and the brain are in dispute! I think the brain is close to winning though. My main concern is disrupting his education. The narcissist in a divorce sounds like a joy!

Please think of yourself at the moment. Easy to say as I am not in your position and only you know if there is a glimmer a hope. But please take some very serious thought over it all.

I'm certainly thinking things through carefully. My instinct is one final major effort. But that ropes me into months of hope when my expectation is now failure at the end.

You stay because you think leaving is worse. Is it really. So that you can find someone who is loving, caring, affectionate and on your side.

Much of my week has been in that place. I've even identified a place I could rent although money will be stretched. I'm not ready for anybody else, but the idea of feeling positive vibes around me really appeals.

Thank you for your post. It means a lot.

calleyw

PW,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my message.

I do understand when you have been with someone such a long time its hard to leave because everything is intertwined.

But you know deep down you want and deserve much better than you are getting.

Maybe moving out is the best thing all round. I really do wish you all the best what ever choice you make.

Take care.

Yours

Calley

System

My ex ticked every single one of these, and then some.

He was, for sure a emotional manipulator (hell he alos ticked severl boxes when i was looking at sociopath criteria!) but i was too ill, and i guess looking back had had my self esteem ground down so much that i didn't recpgnise the signs and didn't get out sooner. But i'm glad i'm no longer in that situation. Emotionally and mentally i'm a lot better now than when i was with him.

mintymoneysaver

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Because I was brought up with my Dad behaving in a similar way, so it's "normal" to me.

Because the person I married has shown glimpses of being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are just glimpses.

Because challenging the behaviour is rewarded with a response that leaves you twisted in knots and wondering if you're the unreasonable one.

Because there's a child involved.

Because I'm too soft.

After finally having the courage to end a relationship that had lasted for 27 years this really struck home. He wasn't always like that, we had some fantastic years together until it became a place he didn't want to be, and then he became that type of man.

I had no role model, my dad died when I was 10. I didn't know any different.

He had so many good sides to his character, they just got lost.

Even now, I still feel talking to him is impossible.

I wanted a happy family, and sometimes it was.

Because I'm too good.

3 years down the line, divorced with not a day of regret. Not at the amount of time that I stayed, nor that I told him to leave. And everyone loves the person that I am now, not the shadow of a person that I had become when I was with him. I'm a strong woman, anyone will tell you that, and it is because I was strong that I was prepared to stay, not because I was weak.

mintymoneysaver

cherryblossomzel wrote: »

This post is quite timely for me. I have a colleague who I think is in an emotionally abusive relationship. She's been with her partner for a long time and they have 2 small girls. She loves him, but I think she realizes that at least some of his behaviours are not acceptable. She is also starting to think about how it will affect their children.


HOWEVER, I don't see her leaving him anytime soon. I think she doesn't believe that she is strong enough to stand up to him, or to leave him.


I would like to support her, but not sure how: I don't want to encourage her to just leave him, because I don't believe she is ready for that, but what else can I do? For those people who have been in the situation: is there anything that a third party could have done/told you that might have helped you?

After my ex and I split up I realised that our closest friends ( 2 sets of couples) had seen how unhappy I was for so long. I asked them why they'd never said anything. They said it was because they knew it was a decision I had to make for myself. They were right.

PeacefulWaters

I've lost some weight recently. Quite pleased with myself.

Returned home from WeightWatchers meeting and didn't say anything. Wasn't asked anything so kept quiet.

She finds out from a Facebook post.

"I'm always the last to know" she complains.

Low level. But x 20+ years it doesn't half wear you down.

System

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

After my ex and I split up I realised that our closest friends ( 2 sets of couples) had seen how unhappy I was for so long. I asked them why they'd never said anything. They said it was because they knew it was a decision I had to make for myself. They were right.

My 2 best friends said the same, they knew how unhappy i was but they also knew how entrenched i was in it all, how i thought i loved him and knew nothing they said would change that, they were always there for the bust ups and the fall out, bt once we split up they let me know their true feeling on him. They were right.

In fact my ex was caught cheating by one of my friends, she obviously told me, i confronted him and (this is how muhc he was in my head) it ended up getting turned on her being "meddling" and "trying to cause !!!! between us" and with him telling me what i had to say to her. We effectively fell out for a few months until my ex and i split. I obviously apologized to her but i remember her saying she knew exactly what he was like and she knew it was him more than me.