Are you dating an emotional manipulator?

PeacefulWaters

VestanPance wrote: »

You're the one completely in the wrong here. You're setting up traps for her to fall into, saying nothing in an attempt that it'll somehow trigger her to throw you a compliment.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am testing out the theory that she is selfish, manipulative and probably narcissistic. So yes, I have deliberately allowed this situation in the hope that I'm wrong. I genuinely want to be wrong.

Having let her know where I was going and letting her know that I was back, I was surprised not to be asked the latest score. Especially as she knew it was a tougher than expected week.

Her biggest problem isn't that I didn't tell her, it's that she was the "last to know".

That's pathetic.

Based on where I am at the moment, I think I should run to the hills and never return. But having invested 20+ years in my marriage I think testing a few realities before going through with that.

You kept quiet to see what would happen. You provoked the comment that you say wears you down. It's drama of your own making.

No drama. Just a real life example. I've desensitised myself to a lot of it over the years.

See also your following currency comment. You messed up something as simple as currency for the trip.

It was a genuine misunderstanding. Saved her a job. I'm the one who's sorted out currency for each of our many recent trips. No additional cost was incurred. No harm was done. A simple "I wish you'd let me do it, we did agree, but at least it's one thing less to worry about" would have been more constructive though.

In anyone sensible that's going to provoke thoughts of has anything else been screwed up. Let's face facts travelling is not difficult or a strenuous task to plan and book.

If it's so simple, why respond that way? Why go for a put down for somebody who was effectively arranged several multi destination trips across Europe and the USA?

You just sound like someone who won't take responsibility for your own failures and have found a convenient outlet in your partner to blame for everything.

I am sorry to have come across like that. I won't bother with any more examples but I will say that there are three today that, while again low level, were unnecessary digs.

I'm not on the end of physical abuse here but the range of ongoing negative comments is a long term thing. If I challenge back (assertively, not aggressively) there's an angry rant that will go on for days.

I'll hold my hand up to being guilty of finding a more passive way of dealing with that over far too many years. I'm not particularly proud of it. Sometimes what we accept as "normal" isn't.

PeacefulWaters

VestanPance wrote: »

You're the one completely in the wrong here. You're setting up traps for her to fall into, saying nothing in an attempt that it'll somehow trigger her to throw you a compliment. That's pathetic. You kept quiet to see what would happen. You provoked the comment that you say wears you down. It's drama of your own making.

See also your following currency comment. You messed up something as simple as currency for the trip. In anyone sensible that's going to provoke thoughts of has anything else been screwed up. Let's face facts travelling is not difficult or a strenuous task to plan and book.

You just sound like someone who won't take responsibility for your own failures and have found a convenient outlet in your partner to blame for everything.

By the way, congratulations on matching the sort of responses I get to every conversation where there's an element of disagreement.

PeacefulWaters

This list of "signs of emotional abuse" I can probably remove 3,12 and 16. What a mess I've allowed myself to become.


#1 You’re scared. Your partner’s behavior scares you. You’re afraid to ask for things or tell them something because you just don’t know how they would react.

#2 Incessant lectures. Your partner constantly tells you how you’re so flawed and how you still need to improve in so many ways. But instead of trying to help you, they point your flaws out and behave like you’re a lost cause who can’t be helped because you’re too weak or dumb. [Read: The power of words and how it can make or break your relationship]

#3 Painful comparisons. Your partner constantly compares you, either with your more prettier or successful friends, and tells you how much better than you they are. Your partner may even be subtle and point out to celebrities and tell you how they’re so much more attractive than you.

#4 Constant confusions. Your partner yells at you often. But when you try to argue back or prove that you’re right, they may even get down on their knees or humiliate themselves just to apologize to you and win your affection back.

#5 You get blamed for no fault. Your partner blames you for no fault of yours. They blame you for your friend’s behavior, for the way the kids are, your friend’s divorce, or just about anything else. Sometimes, your partner may even hear about something on the television and yell at you because they’re !!!!ed off!

#6 Possessive jealousy. Your partner always has something negative to say about your friends, especially if they’re of the opposite sex. Your partner hates it when you get phone calls from your friends and sometimes even asks you to hang up the phone. They just don’t like it when you have an active social life. [Read: 15 subtle and shocking signs of a controlling boyfriend]

#7 Your self esteem is crippled. Your partner constantly tells you how bad or worthless you are, and gets angry with you because you’re always relying on them. But even when you try to do something yourself, they tell you you’re not capable of making decisions and make you feel dumb all the time.

#8 Two faced personality. Your partner’s behavior and attitude confuses you. At times, they may be extremely loving and caring. And at other times, they’re really mean and hurtful. You just can’t predict how they’ll react to anything you do.

#9 The sadist inside. Your partner feels better about themselves when they point out your flaws or criticize you. They may be more jovial or happy on days when you’re overworking or stressed because of your own mistakes.

#10 The humiliation. Your partner humiliates you or makes nasty remarks, especially around your friends or people who admire you.

#11 Big demands. They set unreasonable expectations and make big demands from you, secretly hoping you’d fail so they can say ‘I told you so!’ [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]

#12 Sexual manipulation. Your partner emotionally manipulates you into sexual activities you don’t like. They may even emotionally armtwist you by saying things like “Other girls/guys do it! Why can’t you?”

#13 Big confessions. Your partner shares their problems with everyone who listens. But if you confess any of your problems, especially about the relationship, to your friends or family, your partner would get very upset with you.

#14 Turning everyone against you. This is a sneaky trick that emotionally abusive partners use to gain advantage and leave you feeling helpless. Your partner may constantly crib about how difficult or dumb you are to everyone, including your friends, your family and even your kids. Your partner may even give biased examples just to convince everyone else and turn them against you so no one would take your side against theirs.

#15 The silent treatment. If you stand up for something or try to take control of the situation, your partner may walk away in a huff and give you the silent treatment. An emotionally abusive partner works on guilt, and they hate giving power away in a relationship. Your partner may just ignore you until you apologize for opposing their decision! [Read: How to perfect the silent treatment in a relationship]

#16 Physically abusive. Sometimes, your partner may resort to physical abuse like a slap, a painful pinch or even a threatening gesture just to scare you into submission when you oppose them for anything.

#17 You’re not allowed to think. Emotionally abusive lovers take pleasure in taking full control of the relationship. They’d manipulate you one step at a time until you lose all confidence in your judgment. You convince yourself that you are not capable of taking any decisions yourself, without your partner’s guidance.

#18 Isolation and dependence. Initially, your partner may tell you they don’t like your friends or a particular family member. Soon, they may tell you to avoid that particular person. And before you realize it, your partner may carefully isolate you from everyone who was once close to you. And one fine day, you’d see that the only person you can go to for help or depend on is your partner.

#19 Emotional memories. Your partner constantly reminds you of all the times you’ve screwed up each time there’s an argument or a discussion. They constantly bring up your failures or the mistakes you’ve made in your life to reinforce the idea that you depend on your partner and can’t survive by yourself without their help and guidance in life. [Read: A guide to fighting fair in a relationship]

#20 Your achievements don’t matter. Your partner glorifies even the smallest of their achievements and proudly brags about it. But on the other hand, no matter what you achieve or do, your partner always mocks your achievements and makes you feel silly for celebrating it.

#21 Denial. Even when you point out their emotionally abusive ways, your partner doesn’t accept their emotionally abusive ways as a flaw. Instead, they convince themselves and try to convince you that they’re doing all this only to help you become a better person and stand on your own feet.

PeacefulWaters

I've moved out.

Peter333

I hope you're OK PW.

marisco_2

166million wrote: »

Does anyone else worry that they might be like this by accident?
I'm always getting these weird thoughts that maybe I'm controlling and subtly abusing my partner and I am not aware of it. I even ask him and he says its nonsense.

Over time you would see a difference in the way that he interacted and behaved around you if this were the case. Given long enough he would become a shadow of his former self, through anxiety, worry, fear and the draining effects of having to stay one step ahead and not cause volatile reactions or arguments. Being abused by someone, which is always done very subtly, breaks a person eventually.

PeacefulWaters

Well, I've been gone just short of a week.

I'm living in an attic bedroom of a stranger's home paying more in rent than I'd have liked, but the lower rent options were like prison cells. Here I have my own bathroom and space downstairs too. What I miss most is a bathroom and running water on the same floor as my bedroom. Apparently there's a 20 year old student son of the owner under the same roof. He's been here throughout but we haven't met yet!

I've had my tea cooked for me every night. While I'm sure I'll be expected to muck in soon, I was struck by how nice it is for somebody to do something for me. And how rare it was that my wife cooked. Despite working fewer hours.

I miss my son hugely. We've spoken and exchanged messages. I'll see him today and tomorrow. Our planned activity this morning has been cancelled and he's decided to spend the time with his Mum instead "because he's with me in the afternoon and all day Sunday".

Ouch. This is in the aftermath of an email request from his mum that I run all non-Saturday "access" past her first before suggesting things to him. He's 17. I need to find words to warn him not to be guilt tripped by either of us.

I'll give him two rules later. (1) he can tell me to shut up if he finds me denigrating his mum; (2) he can open up and tell me how he really feels at any point. So far he's only replicated his mum's words of disbelief that I've gone.

My first 48 hours out were a major relief. A massive decision, but despite knowing the pain I've had to cause my son I know I've done the right thing.

The last few days have been a little tougher. I was once on the wrong end of a hold up at work and found myself looking down the barrel of a gun. It was an event that taught me PTSD is very real. That took a couple of days to kick in too. I'm certainly feeling something similar now, although not quite as bad as back then.

The emails have been coming thick and fast from my wife. Venting of emotions. Requests that I unfriend her family from Facebook. The access thing I mentioned above. Money. Tax credits. The family holiday we had booked. "Can we be good friends when all this is over".

I can spot the manipulation now. But I question my judgement on how to react/ignore/respond to it.

I've decided to reply once a day and no more. Deal with multiple issues in one go. Save every communication in an email folder.

My adult stepdaughter needs a lift to the airport today. I'd been cancelled last week as her mum was stepping in. I've been reinstated since. Not sure why. But pleased to be wanted.

I've not had any pangs of regret about leaving my wife. I've had several private emotional moments about leaving my son.

earthmother

PW - I've been following your thread for a while now, but don't think I've posted yet.

As someone who didn't have the nerve to walk away from a similar situation (but got walked out on instead), I do still understand a lot of what you're going through. Sadly, experience says she will still keep trying to manipulate, to regain control, but you have already proven you're stronger than that, so do your best not to let her affect you, keep emotion out of your responses where possible.

On a practical front ...

I'd say don't unfriend her family/cut contact unless you have something against them anyway ... it's their decision to make otherwise, and any moves from you like that towards people who you would normally count as friend will only be used by her to make you look bad to them ... stick to the higher ground. Remember, if she could manipulate you, then she's most likely manipulating them too, and anyone else she can, into thinking she's the injured party here.

Money and the holiday I don't know about, but the tax credits will have to be sorted by both of you separately - it's only a matter of a phone call saying that you wish to open a single person claim, and while there can be a gap between the end of one claim and the start of the next, it's not usually too long. If there is an overpayment on the joint claim, they give you a chance to arrange a payment plan, and will only chase each person for 50% of the overpayment (You do not have to pay the whole, though if it all went into you bank account with none passed to her, morality says you should, and vice versa).

As for access - well, at 17 he is almost an adult, she really shouldn't be dictating to either of you unless she has specific plans (booked holidays for example). My sons were all under 12 when he left, and even then I tried to leave access options as open as possible, even though I could have been very difficult if I'd been of that mind. I've always made it clear to them that it's their decision at the end of the day when and for how long the want to see him (so if he asks for a time when they have a party invite or something for example, it's worked around), and that they won't be forced one way or the other. The first few months especially can be tough though, so don't take it too much to heart if he's not as forthcoming as you'd like - just keep being there for him as it appears you already are, and make sure he knows the truth of your side, not just her side - he is old enough to make his own conclusions.

Good luck - the relief is immense I know, though the future is daunting at times.

Kaye1

No practical advice- but I wish you all the best.

PeacefulWaters

I'm suffering an extremely high level of stress right now. Not directly caused by anybody else. PTSD at its finest.

Hopefully it's a short term trade off for a more peaceful future.