We're 23 and my FIL has been living with us for a year

duchy

I think you are coming across as very young (which you are at 23) in this particular post as well as defensive

You claim there are no communication issues -yet you appear to have both a boyfriend and a lodger neither of whom keep you in the loop about what is happening in your own home.

No-one is talking about perfection but this show a distinct lack of respect for you from both of them .

There is also the financial aspect - if you and your boyfriend have joint finances then as well as cleaning up after your boyfriend's father (part or all of the time depending on how much your boyfriend does) you are also keeping him in regards to bills, food etc . Either this is not an equal partnership or you are very passive - neither are signs of a mature relationship. For one of a couple to move someone else into your (small) home without discussing it with you first - shows either lack of respect for their partner or far too much control from the third party. It simply isn't normal behaviour and wouldn't happen in most relationships both out of respect for the relationship and also because the other partner would make their displeaasure felt. (Nothing wrong with helping a relative and letting them stay for free - but it should be discussed and agreed by the couple first in a partnership)

No-one expects you to know the details of your boyfriend's family's finances - but to not know if they rent or own their home is at best unusual in a family that is close enough that a father can move in with a child and their partner for an extended period.

In your shoes Id be concerned that there is more going on than you know- You said other people mentioned the possibility of marital difficulties- Were this family members who might know ? You know your boyfriend's father goes somewhere on his days off- Do you know for certain he goes "home" ? If you confront him and he says the marriage has broken down and he intends to stay indefinitely with you-What then ? What if he says there is no work in his home town and he "can't" leave ? Would your boyfriend stand firm and tell him to rent a room elsewhere ?

You talk of not knowing much about the rest of your boyfriend's family -and of "the youngest at college" is your bf significantly older than you ?

I suspect your boyfriend knows more about the family dynamics than he is letting on to you and you could hear things you didn't know but his father thought you knew on Friday.

I hope I'm wrong but it really doesn't add up. I sincerely wish you luck and hope I'm wrong.

No-one is looking for perfection but this sounds a very unequal dynamic - and you seem to have had the short end of the stick for a while. Only you can decide if that is acceptable now and in the future.

Princess12 wrote: »

Sorry I meant lack of communication in the area of his mothers personal information.

Yes you are correct but we aren't all without our flaws. That time has passed now. Obviously.

Thank you for your comments, I have took them all in and respected them but at the same time didn't come here looking for judgement on our personal lives. Yes we both have flaws but who's relationship is 100% perfect and I'm not saying it was right but that's not the whole point here. The question was to try and rectify our mistakes, to understand how nieav we were and to have taken some action sooner and to be able to make ourselves a proper home, have some space so we can have more personal time.

Again thank you for all your comments.

Princess12

Yes we are young, he's the same age.

I know what's going on in my home. My partners at work ridiculous hours so isn't home for many hours of the day.

I'm not defending any comments of such issue's but it's not the sort of issues that I wish to discuss her.

We pay bills in half, whilst saving a very healthy amount, as well as having spare money for ourselves. Not that I should be defending what we do with our money between us.

I have already stated that I know they rent and I believe they are in social housing. No where did I say I don't have
clue wether they rent or own. I said I don't know the in and outs of their benefits.

I know FIL goes home on his days off. Even so I wouldn't wish to discuss any of their marital business on here if I did know.

Sorry I've been unable to answer all of your questions but I've hope I've covered the important ones for you.

NotRichAtAll

End of the day you have had opinions and advice now its down to you, your been taken for a mug. If FIL has marital or any kind of problem he needs to sort them rather than sitting on your sofa ignoring them. You are coming across to me as weak,naive,and clueless looking for answer's then putting obstacles in your way. You need to sort this and move on with you life if BF is not happy with daddy moving out then get rid of him too.
i do know one thing if i was 23 and living with my girl i would not want my father there aswell.
I also still think this is a benefit related move, a normal bloke with wife and kids would not willingly stay away from his home comforts his wife his children for too long if he did not have too.

:idea: :wave: :wave: :j:j

duchy

I wonder what would happen if instead of asking him to leave the couple explained as it was too cramped they have decided to move into a two or three bedroom property and Dad's (fair) share of the rent will be £XXX a week as it is more expensive.

As for if it's normal -I'm wondering if some of this is cultural and FIL didn't grow up in the UK.

NotRichAtAll

any developments?

duchy

I think the big talk was due for tomorrow

Princess12

Well.. All went well to start with, FIL pretty much finished our sentences for us, didn't feel for much of an explanation.

Later in the afternoon.. Other half got messages from his older brother saying 'Your moving out? No we're not. 'Mum said your moving out so dad will be out of a job again' WHAT? Where did she get this from? Having no idea what's been translated between them. Besides the point, he wouldn't be out of a job, we gave him plenty of places to enquire at about rooms.

Then later in the evening Mothers telling such sibling that Farther will be packing his things up tomorrow and leaving in the afternoon. Again WHAT? My partners had to explain to dad how he has a sense of responsibility on his employers and work colleagues to think about.

We left it at that for yesterday. No idea what today's going to bring.

Oh and to find out of another sibilings FIL was laughing this week about 'Turing down a job' in his hometown. I am mad and speechless at this point.

zarf2007

Princess12 wrote: »

Well.. All went well to start with, FIL pretty much finished our sentences for us, didn't feel for much of an explanation.

Later in the afternoon.. Other half got messages from his older brother saying 'Your moving out? No we're not. 'Mum said your moving out so dad will be out of a job again' WHAT? Where did she get this from? Having no idea what's been translated between them. Besides the point, he wouldn't be out of a job, we gave him plenty of places to enquire at about rooms.

Then later in the evening Mothers telling such sibling that Farther will be packing his things up tomorrow and leaving in the afternoon. Again WHAT? My partners had to explain to dad how he has a sense of responsibility on his employers and work colleagues to think about.

We left it at that for yesterday. No idea what today's going to bring.

Oh and to find out of another sibilings FIL was laughing this week about 'Turing down a job' in his hometown. I am mad and speechless at this point.

Ah the old family guilt trip, don't you just love it? Personally if he wants to pack up and walk out on his job then let him and your boyfriend should tell his brother if he's so concerned he should take him as a free tenant. I think this is phase 1 to blackmail you, don't fall for it.

itsanne

Princess12 wrote: »

Then later in the evening Mothers telling such sibling that Farther will be packing his things up tomorrow and leaving in the afternoon. Again WHAT? My partners had to explain to dad how he has a sense of responsibility on his employers and work colleagues to think about.

We left it at that for yesterday. No idea what today's going to bring.

It would have been better to have let him pack up and leave, but as your partner has already told him not to do that, get him to explain that the responsibility extends as far as handing in his notice instead of just walking out. If need be, help him write it.

Today is going to bring more of the same. So will tomorrow, and the next day, and the next ........ But you know that's the 'game' from the other side and will stick to your decision, won't you.

The good thing to come out of it is that your prospective FIL appears to understand that he needs to go (even if he finds ways to undermine it) without any big breakdown in relationships.

BigAunty

I would just ignore the texts and opinions - some families have a horrible dynamic where they seek out and thrive on conflict and drama. Don't get sucked into the 'he said/he said/I did/they did'.

But isn't it par for the course? He's merrily exploited you for a year plus so I'm not particularly surprised he threw a tantrum and made you out to be evil.

He showed no responsibilities towards you as a long-term guest by failing to contribute towards house keeping or finding a place to move into, so it seems fairly likely he has no kind of conscientiousness as an employee and would just throw in the towel.

And now you find out that he did have job opportunities in his home town, too, so could have moved back with ease.

To be honest, isn't it better that he goes quickly rather than hovers about for weeks in your flat being hostile or coming up with excuses why he can't find a new place? That would have been the worse case scenario - him continuing to hang about and exploit your hospitality.

By walking out on your and his job, it only hits his income. He may have trouble finding a new job if the next employer can't get a good reference from the previous because he failed to serve his notice. None of this is your problem.

Do be mindful of the primitive dynamics of the family you are proposing to marry into - they are likely to do these types of stunts and chinese whispers via text/social media quite regularly.

Simply enjoy the peace and space of your reclaimed flat and if FIL tries to blackmail you to stay longer, continue to be firm and polite.