We're 23 and my FIL has been living with us for a year

Princess12

NotRichAtAll wrote: »

don't take this the wrong way but could him living with you have anything to do with Benefit's and student loan criteria? MIL may well be describing herself as a single parent family now. What is FIL doing with the money he does earn?

No she won't get any of that, she won't be getting loans it's just college not university level. I believe they get child tax credits but doesn't everyone with children in education up to 18? Money goes straight home to MIL. He sometimes manages to scrap together the train fair to go home. I do believe that they are not let's say the 'the best' when it comes to money. I believe they have un realistic ideas on what's essential in life but I don't wish to go any further with that as its really not my place to talk about their lives in detail.

NotRichAtAll

really sounds quite a bizarre situation, FIL is doing ok though for himself he's getting 1 long holiday/jolly freebie. i would of had his bin bag packed by now and a train ticket waiting for him :j:wave::wave::wave::j

BitterAndTwisted

"I believe they get child tax credits but doesn't everyone with children in education up to 18?"

They would be getting child benefit but tax credits are something else altogether. They are means-tested, I believe.

I suspect there is a great deal more to this family's situation than meets the eye

itsanne

It doesn't really matter how or why he came in the first place, the issue now is how to get rid of him as easily as possible. As he's been so insensitive as to have continued for a whole year, nothing subtle is likely to work - you'll (ie both of you) have to be assertive. (Assertive is not the same as aggressive.)

If marital difficulties have a bearing on his reluctance to move back home that's not something you can do anything about. You've already helped as much as you can manage. Don't ask your prospective FIL what his plans are - that gives him wriggle room and is likely to prolong his stay. Having some rooms for him to consider from places like gumtree could move things forward - the more proactive you are, the easier (or at least less difficult) it should be.

Ideally your fiance should speak to his father on his own, though if you think he will find it difficult not to be guilt-tripped into letting him stay longer you could be there too. You should not do it on your own.

You asked what to say. Anything like the following may be useful and reasonably diplomatic if you're worried about making the relationship difficult:

I'm glad we've been able to help, but .....

A year is a long time. We hadn't realised things would be so crowded for so long .....

When we let you stay with us, we didn't expect it would be for so long and we're really struggling with the lack of space now ..... You will need to move out.

If you still want to be in this area to look for work, we've found some accommodation for you to look at as it's too crowded for you to keep staying here.



If he's awkward about it you'll have to bite the bullet and be blunt:

You have had a whole year, You will have to leave by (whatever short timescale you choose) .....

We have decided we cannot go on like this. You have to leave.

I'm sorry, but we won't change our minds. You have until ..... to find somewhere else.


Get your fiance to practise on you.

Good luck!

enthusiasticsaver

The difficulty now with him staying in your home for so long he has moved from being a short term guest to a co habitee with no end date in sight and FIL being cast in the role of recalcitrant teenager who does not contribute to expenses or help out. He is on to a good thing, living rent free and because it was not made clear at the beginning that you were only helping him out short term he has made the assumption that this is a long term arrangement. You will need to be firm with him as I am guessing he does not care he is in the way and has no intention of moving on.


Many suggestions have been made as to how you can tell him that enough is enough and I suggest you talk to him asap. Presumably if he has been away this weekend you could use the opportunity to say to him tomorrow that while he has been away you have both been discussing the situation and would like him to make alternative arrangements as you would like your privacy as a soon to be married couple. Alternatively you could say money is tight and you need him to pay something. This may be enough to make him think he should return home where he is not asked to pay rent.

BigAunty

NotRichAtAll wrote: »

don't take this the wrong way but could him living with you have anything to do with Benefit's and student loan criteria? .

That was my suspicion but it's unfounded. To demonstrate that they had separated for the purposes of benefits, FIL would need to receive all his mail at another address.

To me, it sounds like FIL has found his feet with employment in the new city after a period of insecurity of employment back home. He's either not aware, or doesn't care, about how he is imposing.

If he's enjoying his new job, free rent and perhaps the time away from the missus, then he's not going to be that incentivised to find a new role back in his old home town.

As a social housing tenant, it can be really hard to transfer tenancies to a new place.

Princess12

He's going home Wednesday and Thursday this week returning Friday morning, we dont work set days hours they change week by week depending on business. Friday morning when he returns is the only day in which were both home when he will be too so the it will be happening then.

Homeownertobe

Princess12 wrote: »

He's going home Wednesday and Thursday this week returning Friday morning, we dont work set days hours they change week by week depending on business. Friday morning when he returns is the only day in which were both home when he will be too so the it will be happening then.

Or you could just tell him now and change the locks?

itsanne

Homeownertobe wrote: »

Or you could just tell him now and change the locks?

Why on earth would they do that? They've lasted a year and the fiance is obviously close to his father. Acting in such a cavalier fashion would wreck any future relationship. Telling him pleasantly and giving him a short time to find somewhere else is far more constructive.

itsanne

Princess12 wrote: »

He's going home Wednesday and Thursday this week returning Friday morning, we dont work set days hours they change week by week depending on business. Friday morning when he returns is the only day in which were both home when he will be too so the it will be happening then.

That's a plan, then.

Let us know how things work out.

Good luck.