We're 23 and my FIL has been living with us for a year

j.e.j.

Princess12 wrote: »

To be honest I don't understand why he can't find work back home, it a x20 larger city, we just happen to be in more of a tourist city where it's easier to get hospitality work.

He's obviously not able to find work whilst he's here either.

It's crunch time when it happens that were all in the house at the same time. So I will take in all your conversation pointers and write it down.

Thank you for everyone's help

Unbelievable, that someone can impose on a couple who are in a one-bedroom flat, for months on end, and not realise (or care) that they're in the way??!

So is he working at the moment?

I think it would be a good idea to tell him (truthfully) that you can't have another person living there for that length of time as it's against tenancy rules.

I think you and your OH have let this go on for FAR too long.

BigAunty

j.e.j. wrote: »

I think it would be a good idea to tell him (truthfully) that you can't have another person living there for that length of time as it's against tenancy rules.

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Technically, as he's not on the tenancy agreement and if the landlord has not given permission for him to occupy, it is a breach of the contract. It's a minor breach but obviously, it's much better to keep the landlord onside.

But to close down arguments where the FIL can easily bat them away, I think honesty is the best policy. Something along the lines of 'This was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement while you found your feet so I'd appreciate if you could find your own place soon.'

He's well established and comfy there. Even on National Minimum Wage, he'll be bringing home £200 a week (and with no major outgoings on his part as he's not coughing up for anything and perhaps with no major outgoings on MILs part if she is claiming to be a lone parent).

I've started to wonder whether the FILs marriage is thriving because they both get quality time apart (at the OPs expense!)

I think the tenancy issue can only ever be a secondary factor 'As well as wanting our space back, we don't want to give the landlord any cause to serve notice on us'.

I just have the feeling the FIL will just shrug off the tenancy aspect as a non issue 'oh, the landlord won't know/won't mind' or 'ok let's ask permission, I can slip you a few bob if the landlord raises the rent' etc

BigAunty

Princess12 wrote: »

To be honest I don't understand why he can't find work back home, it a x20 larger city, we just happen to be in more of a tourist city where it's easier to get hospitality work.

Was he having any relationship problems with the MIL?

Princess12 wrote: »

He's obviously not able to find work whilst he's here either.

Most people find their next position while still in employment, using their time off to find and apply for vacancies. Lots of jobs are on the internet, you don't need to be in the same place as the job to apply for it.

Why do you (and presumably he) think he can't find work in the same place as most of his children without having to live there?

Besides, you say he goes home most weekend. If the type of work he does can be found by notices in windows, casually enquiring or dropping off CVs, he could have done that each time he visited his missus.

And another besides - didn't you say something along the lines of helping him get a job where you live so why can't it be applied to his old home town?

If he's having marital woes, or the missus is getting loads of tax credits as a lone parent or if they are both enjoying his time away from the family home (just as top of the head examples), then he's not going to be motivated to get a job back there, is he?

Why do you really think he has stayed at your place for so long when he could have found a job at his old home town in the first place and could easily get one back there again? What's the real reason he's cramming himself into your flat? Is it the pull factor of the money or the push factor of something being wrong back at the marital home?

Is the family home in the old home town rented (privately or social housing) or owned? Is there any reason why he can't move his family to the current location (such as care commitments for elders or kids being at a critical age for GCSEs or something?).

Does he get most of his mail delivered to your address (bank statements, etc)?

Princess12

No you don't need to be in the same place, but he doesn't have a phone capable to looking on TV Internet, and I offered him to use our laptop whilst we're out and he hasn't. So we can only assume he is looking on his days off. If it was me I'd have taken up the offer of using the laptop to search whilst I'm not at home.

Marital woes is not something that has been discussed but it something other people have mentioned.

He had trouble finding work for 18 months before he came to us, he found work, but it didn't always work out for long, I honestly don't understand why as he does work hard.

I believe in the home town it's social housing. I also believe it's because of the youngest being in college and her education, her being settled etc. They've visited our town for many many years on holiday.

I honestly don't know any information regarding any benefits etc that your talking about. He also doesn't get any mail delivered to ours.

duchy

I'm sorry but surely your fiance knows what sort of housing his parents live in.


Surely he also knows how his mother feels about her husband working away too

For a couple planning to marry there seems to be very little communication.

Princess12

He would have less of a clue than I do. Just because he doesn't know his mothers in and outs. My mother would never discuss that sort of stuff with me so I wouldn't expect him to know either. Or expect his mother to discuss this sort of thing with him. He hasn't lived with them for 7 years. Plus we generally don't know a lot about any sort of benefits neither of us has ever received any.

There was never any mention of lack of communication between us.

Loz01

Im flabbergasted that hes been living with you for a year and never offered to pay rent!!! That is unreal.

Mojisola

Princess12 wrote: »

There was never any mention of lack of communication between us.

If my OH had invited someone to come and live with us without asking me first, I'd consider that a serious breakdown in communication.

It wouldn't matter that he was sure I'd agree - I would still expect him to discuss it with me first. Apart from anything else, rather than just saying 'yes', it would open up the possibility of asking 'how long for?', 'will he be paying keep?', 'will we be eating together?', 'if he's going to cook for himself, how do we split use of the kitchen?', etc.

Princess12

Sorry I meant lack of communication in the area of his mothers personal information.

Yes you are correct but we aren't all without our flaws. That time has passed now. Obviously.

Thank you for your comments, I have took them all in and respected them but at the same time didn't come here looking for judgement on our personal lives. Yes we both have flaws but who's relationship is 100% perfect and I'm not saying it was right but that's not the whole point here. The question was to try and rectify our mistakes, to understand how nieav we were and to have taken some action sooner and to be able to make ourselves a proper home, have some space so we can have more personal time.

Again thank you for all your comments.

NotRichAtAll

I also believe it's because of the youngest being in college and her education, her being settled etc.

don't take this the wrong way but could him living with you have anything to do with Benefit's and student loan criteria? MIL may well be describing herself as a single parent family now. What is FIL doing with the money he does earn?

You need to be honest and hard and tell him straight, your not happy with the current overcrowding situation its gone on much longer than expected, please find alternative lodgings by end of month we want our home back to ourselves, dont prolong it dont fall for any puppy dog eyes be firm stand firm.