We're 23 and my FIL has been living with us for a year

BigAunty

Princess12 wrote: »

I wouldn't have a clue, sounds realistic though, so there you go then no idea how they can live of nothing or very little but can't afford to rent a room. The room I found was £280 a month everything included

Obviously, we don't know his salary but even on NMW wage which tends to net a person around £200 a week that's affordable at around a third of net income, quite a typical ratio of income to rent. On 16k salary, that's a quarter of take home pay.

Although I'm not certain MIL is claiming to be a lone parent, given their values, I now wouldn't put in past them for them to engineer a separation to maximise her entitlements, hence perhaps the reason why both have got the hump that he's back there full time.


All this aggro the OP is receiving after going beyond the bounds with her hospitality - all because the guy is too stingy to pay £65 a week, or less than a tenner a day, to live elsewhere!

To the OP - is your OH shocked at the reaction of his family or did he anticipate they would all kick off?

Princess12

We anticipated some unreasonable reaction but nothing like this. I feel so upset for my other half. They can think of me how they like but to think horrible things of him isn't nice of them.

They say they've been grateful but we haven't heard the words to believe so.

BigAunty

They are going to be hardwork at your wedding if that's how they behave when you've bent over backwards for them. Sure you want to marry into this?! (just joking, your fella sounds decent, if a bit passive but passive must be better than aggressive).They sound like a right shower.

Princess12

They have started on the wedding already. We were going to go a bit further from home but that was not wanted by some. (P.s we didn't change our minds just upon their opinion my grandparents kindly requested we come closer to home IF we found somewhere we loved and we did)

enthusiasticsaver

Unfortunately if you read some of the threads on this forum there are some shall we say dysfunctional families who are selfish and problematic. In a way it is good that you have found this out now because it gives you a chance to speak about how you will deal with this in the future. Your OH, for whatever reason wanted to help his father although I am assuming he knows what he is like and it did not work out. A lesson learned and at least he will be out of your hair in 2 weeks. Obviously he thought this was a permanent arrangement so in the future I would lay any of your plans out in black and white so there is no chance of them misinterpreting your intentions.


You need to deal with this moving forward as it tends to get worse if you have children and all sorts of power struggles go on. I would suggest you keep your distance for a bit and remain in contact but on your terms until this has all cooled off. To be honest the mother sounds just as bad and I also think this has to do with benefits too. Why does the mother not work and do the siblings live at home with her?

Princess12

The lastest this evening is for my partner to never talk to her again as she can't forgive him to leaving him out of a job.

She believes that as they brought him into this world and brought him up he owes them.

The mother is extremely worse that him, he's rather shy and timid. She's like a firework and he's like an ant in comparison.

Mother is on disability. There's nothing to feel sorry for there. I don't wish to discuss the in and outs but I really don't understand what category was ever invented that she's falls under to claim such.

The youngest lives at home but she's seriously babied and spoiled compared to the older 4 siblings, they were pushed to go out work and find homes at her age. Though she is in college but that's no excuse for not getting a part time job.

NotRichAtAll

These people/parent's sound like the dregs of society as long as you and your partner are happy you really don't need the parents for anything more. As for her being on disabilty, well i drive a bus for a living and the dregs main goal in early life is to blag the system so they can get a disabled card which allows them to travel for free, the strange thing is all these blaggers who are "disabled" seem to have no problem popping kids out and carrying umpteen bags and cans of "diet" coke.

I hope this experience has opened your eyes wide enough for you to see your in-laws true colours, get rid of FIL asap and you and your other half get on with your lives and ignore this shower of ****.

BigAunty

Princess12 wrote: »

Mother is on disability. There's nothing to feel sorry for there. I don't wish to discuss the in and outs but I really don't understand what category was ever invented that she's falls under to claim such.

To be fair, some disabilities are 'hidden' and variable in nature and legitimately qualify the claimant to receive benefits despite not being very visible or persistent. These types of benefits are very complex to describe. Here's a brief overview.

There are two types of disability and sickness benefits, DLA (with claimants being moved over to PIP) and Incapacity Benefit (with claimants migrating over to ESA).

DLA pays from £21.80 to £82.30 and the maximum that can be claimed from the two types relating to care or mobility needs is £140 per week (and you've got to be very incapacitated and in great need of care and supervision to get the max).

It isn't means tested so FILs salary won't matter and a person is free to both work and claim it (it is not an out of work benefit).It is sometimes claimed alongside ESA, or the person receives one or the other of the two.

Long term claimants on ESA tend to get from £102 to £123 per week (if the claimant gets Enhanced Disability Premium). This is an out of work benefit for those who are too ill to work. People who would ordinarily get Job Seekers Allowance but are too sick for job seeking tend to apply for ESA.

It never used to be means tested but 3 years ago, one of the ESA types had means testing introduce to limit payment to claimants for just 1 year. If your MIL is on this particular type, this means FILs income would probably rule out the receipt of it around 2 years ago if they were co-habitating.

Obviously we don't know what she claims but that's a bit more food for thought as to why they are so keen for him to live away from home. If she's on long-term ESA, then her child tax credits and ESA would come to around £260 or so per week (rough estimate), excluding any additional DLA she may collect (then again, she might be on just one or the other at a much lower rate).

I believe those on certain types of sickness/disability benefits can get more child tax credit but I'm not really sure of what the increase is. One forum post gave me the impression that this can add £50-60 extra per week onto child tax credits but that may have been before some recent changes to the benefits system.

Again, its a big if, but if she's on a modest amount DLA with ESA and child tax credits, her weekly income could be around £350 per week (excluding housing benefit and council tax reduction). Does this sound an accurate enough finger in the air guestimate? She'd lose over £100 from her ESA if he moves back in (if she's on that type of ESA and of course, we don't know).

Secondly, those in receipt of certain types of disability benefits are exempt from the benefits cap of £500 per week.

EDIT - think I am v. wrong on my calculations for MIL. She might only get £250 per week in child tax credits, child benefit, long term ESA and low rate DLA. £326 per week if on long term ESA and mid rate DLA, according to the Turn2us benefit calculator. Excludes HB/Council tax.

BigAunty

Princess12 wrote: »

The lastest this evening is for my partner to never talk to her again as she can't forgive him to leaving him out of a job.

She believes that as they brought him into this world and brought him up he owes them. .

So presumably she's happy to confront the other 4 older siblings and demand that they pay back what they owe to their parents?

Very manipulative and ungrateful shower your MIL and FIL sound - I feel very sorry for the way they've used you both and then tried to make you feel as if you've ripped them off! Extraordinarily devious.

Princess12

BigAunty wrote: »

So presumably she's happy to confront the other 4 older siblings and demand that they pay back what they owe to their parents?

She actually owe's 2 out of 3 other older siblings money. Since FIL's been earning for a year now you would have thought they'd come to agreement on paying them.

Thank you for the insight into the disability allowance I didn't know anything about it. She for sure doesn't need full time care. Doesn't need any care. I'm at the point today where I don't really care anymore. I couldn't be maliciouse to their faces as I don't intent to make the situation worse for my other half. Mil is basically very overweight and is unable to walk very much because of it. So she gets paid to sit down even more basically.

I believe with the sort of sums you've given me along side what I believe FIL earns I don't understand how him handing his notice in and moving home is any sort of REASONABLE solution to their problem finances?

HOW CAN THEY INSIST THEY CANT AFFORD £70 A WEEK WHILST KEEPING HIS JOB AND HAVE THE LUXURY OF A BED AND HIS OWN SPACE? and presumably only leaving a slight dent in there bank balance? but can live off just disability and child tax credits?