Full Nest Syndrome

supersaver2

I have read through this thread and some of the replies (take him to join the Army!!) are very odd. Surely he has only just finished his degree? I could understand 6 months down the line wondering what his plans are but give the man a chance!

Maddybee33

I doubt there are many parents who would class their a few weeks/months past graduating with a degree offspring as "chancers" . I think they'd tend to be proud that they have spent the last three years applying themselves to that achievement.

I don't think that I said that many were (I have no idea why you'd want to pick up on that one aspect of my post, when that's not at all what it was about, seems a bit like a straw man)- but there are always some out there (my ex-flatmate, who tried to con himself out of paying his fair share of utilities is one), and some of the appalling comments on this thread (joining the army, anyone?) just assumed that he was. Only his parents can truly know this. However, I consider most people not to be, like my friend and I, who have worked hard 3-4 years for a degree, but are now faced with tricky, limited career paths.

I'm sorry if you misunderstood my post.

Oakie

Well at least he returned home on his own!
I know of a few ex students who have returned home with their girlfriend/boyfriend in tow , and taken up residence.

jaylee3

Jagraf wrote: »

I can't see one person who comes across as not loving their kids on this thread and wouldn't welcome them home for a while, or until they got sorted. How long is the debating issue here.

You must be reading a different thread.

Some of the comments on this thread from certain posters talking about their adult children are actually very sad ... 'They are getting in the way,' 'I no longer have my privacy!' 'I can't walk around with only my underpants on,' (who does that ANYway?!) and 'you should make him do his own washing and cooking now,' and 'I can't have only sandwiches for tea now...' (Why the hell not?!) and my favourite, 'march him off to the army office!' What a classic piece of loving parenting that is!

If your child has been at home from uni for 5 minutes after finishing his degree, and has not yet found a home of his own and a secure full time permanent job, and a date for leaving your home, he can go and be cannon fodder! Good grief. It disturbs me greatly that anyone would support this comment, and comments like it.

I suspect (strongly) that people who have no time for their children when they are grown and cannot wait for them to sod off and leave, have never had time for their children. (I mean on here and in life in general.) A parent that has a good and loving and close relationship with their child all their life, would not be so intolerant and irritated by them as a young adult.

I genuinely feel sorry for young adults who have parents with this attitude.

And I am not saying children should never leave home; they should be encouraged to make their own way in life, and get their own place, and forge a career, but they need to know they are loved and wanted, not that they are a blasted nuisance and you just want them out!

I know several young people whose parents have made it clear they are no longer welcome after uni, and have told them to leave at 19/20 y.o. as they are old enough to leave now, and/or they simply no longer want them there. These people are the most insecure, and clingy, and lonely people I know.

There is a difference between someone leaving home and making their way in the world, knowing that they always have loving parents who care about them and they can return whenever they want, and parents who just think of their offspring as a burden, and don't want them there. How awful must this make them feel?

I have even spoke to some people whose children have grown, and they say they are glad to get their life back! What the hell? Are they serious? Were their children that much of a blasted burden to you? How disgustingly nasty and selfish! :mad:

Makes me wonder why some people even have children.

supersaver2 wrote: »

I have read through this thread and some of the replies (take him to join the Army!!) are very odd. Surely he has only just finished his degree? I could understand 6 months down the line wondering what his plans are but give the man a chance!

:T

Exactly, Poor devil I wonder if he has the first clue of how his mother feels? I would imagine he would be very hurt.

Maddybee33 wrote: »

There are always some out there (my ex-flatmate, who tried to con himself out of paying his fair share of utilities is one), and some of the appalling comments on this thread (joining the army, anyone?) just assumed that he was.

Only his parents can truly know this. However, I consider most people to be, like my friend and I, who have worked hard 3-4 years for a degree, but are now faced with tricky, limited career paths.
.

:T Another good post!

Purplesky_2

Wow. OP, you are so nice.

My Mum had me doing almost all the housework before I left the house. I moved out with my partner for university and have never returned. She took over my bedroom within six months of me moving out, leaving my Dad in their room. And became most indignant that I/we wasn't/weren't visiting as much as she would like. Then got a cat that we discovered I'm horribly allergic to.

My brothers are buying a house and taking the cat with them (it's one of my brothers' pets). She's taking another cat on. And still insisting I go around more often. I have done more than a few nights on the sofa at theirs, so as not to kick anybody out of their bed. I end up cooking and doing laundry even the few days that I'm there, to say nothing of deep cleaning the bathroom or helping Mum get her classroom ready or doing days of spring cleaning or gardening.

I took summer jobs so that I never had to go back home.

OP, at least you're doing what you can for your son. And being able to reconnect with your husband as a couple is much rarer than you might imagine. I really congratulate you for that. And I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But yes, ground rules as above.

And to all you people berating this OP for being totally reasonable and feeling disrupted, guilty and concerned, just remember that it can be a damn sight worse. I feel sick at the lack of a homebase when so many of you take it for granted that that is something you provide.

Roots and wings, that's what you should aim for. That's not what I got. I got a boot that propelled me out and a noose dragging me back.

Maddybee33

Some of the comments on this thread from certain posters talking about their adult children are actually very sad ... 'They are getting in the way,' 'I no longer have my privacy!' 'I can't walk around with only my underpants on,' (who does that ANYway?!) and 'you should make him do his own washing and cooking now,' and 'I can't have only sandwiches for tea now...' (Why the hell not?!) and my favourite, 'march him off to the army office!' What a classic piece of loving parenting that is!

Exactly- if you were to replace the premise of an ungrateful young person with an ungrateful old person getting in the way, I bet that 90% of these posters would have an entirely different response.

System

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Yep - should note with the above I was 31 at the time *chuckle*


HBS x

I think my mum may have finally accepted i'm an adult

It's taken a long time....but it was over a discussion when she found out i had a tattoo, and i was expecting the worst, and she simply said "you're 28, you're an adult you can do what you want"

I think if i had moved back after uni, we too would have slipped back into the whole parent/teenager thing, we always clashed when i lived at home (we're too similar!) and we get on a hell of a lot better since i moved out.

System

'I can't walk around with only my underpants on,' (who does that ANYway?!)

Err.... me.:o

Walked around the house after my bath in just my bra and pants for awhile..... go on shoot me!

amistupid

jaylee3 wrote: »

I have even spoke to some people whose children have grown, and they say they are glad to get their life back! What the hell? Are they serious? Were their children that much of a blasted burden to you? How disgustingly nasty and selfish! :mad:

Most parents who've made remarks like this, including myself, are saying them tongue in cheek. It's a humorous way of saying it's a part of their parenting that's finished.

You seem to be outraged with parents who think and act differently to you, it doesn't mean they love their children any less.

I believe as a parent there are times you have to be cruel to be kind, take actions that initially may seem harsh but will ultimately be of benefit to them.

Jagraf

amistupid wrote: »

Most parents who've made remarks like this, including myself, are saying them tongue in cheek. It's a humorous way of saying it's a part of their parenting that's finished.

You seem to be outraged with parents who think and act differently to you, it doesn't mean they love their children any less.

I believe as a parent there are times you have to be cruel to be kind, take actions that initially may seem harsh but will ultimately be of benefit to them.

I agree, raising kids when you love them so so much is such a mix of emotion and very hard work. It is good to feel secure in the knowledge that you can get some inner peace once you know they are independent, and yes get some of your 'easier' life back.