Full Nest Syndrome

amistupid

BigAunty wrote: »

The second issue is that the son is drifting, and she wonders if his aimlessness is actually being fuelled by having him back because he is now protected from economic reality.

I've experienced the drifter, gap years to 'chill out', 'travelling', anything but hard work; happy and content to sit back and let their parents provide for them. To accept such lethargy and selfishness is bad parenting.

jaylee3

:huh:

Unbelievable.

If this is the attitude that some people have towards their own children, it's no wonder families are fractured and splintered, and young people feel directionless and unwanted.

Come back from university 'hi mom, hi dad...I've missed you.' :wave:

'Yeah yeah yeah, well do your own washing and ironing and cooking, and when are you leaving by the way? We don't really want you here anymore.'

Lovely attitude towards your own children.

At the end of the day this is nothing more than selfish, thoughtless, and immature adults who are all 'me me me' who think that being a parent stops when the child is 18.

These parents will be whining and moaning when they are old, and their children have moved far away and never visit. I wouldn't blame them if their parents have the same 'naff off you're not wanted here anymore now you're over 18' attitude that some have on this thread! And this 'if you boot your kids out and be harsh on them they will respect you for it and you will see them more, and if you pander to them you will see them less,' is pure fiction; made up by someone who can't be bothered to be a parent anymore, once the child hits 18.

What a sad and sorry attitude. Thank goodness there are some people here who don't feel like this. At least their children can grow up knowing they are loved and cared for no matter how old they get, or what they are going through, or where they are in their life.

Of COURSE we need to help our young find their way and not encourage them to stay at home forever, but the attitudes of some on here - towards their own children - is disgusting.

Alikay

We found it hard when DS1 returned home after living away for a couple of years. It was at the peak of the recession and he'd been unlucky enough for 3 different jobs each to end due to businesses failing - the last one collapsed owing him lots of money from expenses and unpaid salary so at 20 he was back home jobless, skint and understandably depressed.

We found the hours he kept and his moods difficult, he found me being at home all the time with lively 4 and 5 years olds hard. In general it was grim for a few months. I don't know that there was anything we could've done to make things OK, but talking and acknowledging that none of us were happy with the situation helped us all to be kinder and more tolerant. Luckily after about six months he found another job and moved down to London again to the relief of everyone - I love him coming back to visit, but living here again isn't something he or I would choose to happen unless he hits real hard times!

Jagraf

jaylee3 wrote: »

:huh:

Unbelievable.

If this is the attitude that some people have towards their own children, it's no wonder families are fractured and splintered, and young people feel directionless and unwanted.

Come back from university 'hi mom, hi dad...I've missed you.' :wave:

'Yeah yeah yeah, well do your own washing and ironing and cooking, and when are you leaving by the way? We don't really want you here anymore.'

Lovely attitude towards your own children.

At the end of the day this is nothing more than selfish, thoughtless, and immature adults who are all 'me me me' who think that being a parent stops when the child is 18.

These parents will be whining and moaning when they are old, and their children have moved far away and never visit. I wouldn't blame them if their parents have the same 'naff off you're not wanted here anymore now you're over 18' attitude that some have on this thread! And this 'if you boot your kids out and be harsh on them they will respect you for it and you will see them more, and if you pander to them you will see them less,' is pure fiction; made up by someone who can't be bothered to be a parent anymore, once the child hits 18.

What a sad and sorry attitude. Thank goodness there are some people here who don't feel like this. At least their children can grow up knowing they are loved and cared for no matter how old they get, or what they are going through, or where they are in their life.

Of COURSE we need to help our young find their way and not encourage them to stay at home forever, but the attitudes of some on here - towards their own children - is disgusting.

I don't think its about good and bad parenting. It's about having different parenting styles, and love and care comes in many guises.

The pandering isn't pure fiction to me. My ex in laws dropped everything for us when we were younger. They stifled my ex and he rarely sees them now. My parents on the other hand had their own life and own worlds and we fitted in around them.

BigAunty

Don't understand the hostility towards the OP - she loves her son but wants them both to move on with their lives.

I also don't understand why the son is being defined as somehow vulnerable and in need of parental protection. He appears to be a functioning adult without any physical or mental health issues.

We live in a culture that has an expectation for adult children to live apart from their parents (though some families typically of asian or eastern european origin operate a multi generational household model which doesn't seem to be case for this poster).

We also have a culture that expects graduates to go into professional employment after graduation, for higher education to be a springboard into independence.

The son getting under his folks feet - if he had a plan of action, the OP wouldn't feel so anxious. If he said something along the lines of 'I am doing some research in this vocational area, applying for x jobs, post-grad, training courses, internships, working visas overseas, etc' she might not feel anxious.

The most he's come up with is ironing his underpants and offering to cook once a week.

OP - if finances aren't restrictive, perhaps you could offer to fund a working visa to Australia or Canada, or an English teaching qualification so he could teach in Japan, Korea or China, for example, or pay him pocket money for the internship of his dreams?

Alikay

BigAunty wrote: »

OP - if finances aren't restrictive, perhaps you could offer to fund a working visa to Australia or Canada, or an English teaching qualification so he could teach in Japan, Korea or China, for example, or pay him pocket money for the internship of his dreams?

All families are different, but this to me seems incredibly indulgent. OP's son has already been supported by his parents through 6th form and his degree. DH and I both left school and started work at 16, doing any further education at our own cost after work. If any of our kids wanted to study abroad after uni they'd be expected (actually they themselves would expect...) to work for a year in a warehouse/shop/bar and save up to do it.

BigAunty

Alikay wrote: »

All families are different, but this to me seems incredibly indulgent. OP's son has already been supported by his parents through 6th form and his degree. ....If any of our kids wanted to study abroad after uni they'd be expected (actually they themselves would expect...) to work for a year in a warehouse/shop/bar and save up to do it.

Perhaps. Your point is sound.

However, the OP has been made to feel like a bad mum who is psychologically damaging her son for wanting him to stand on his own two feet.

Even before the allegations of forcing hardship and harm on her son, she found herself feeling very guilty for wanting to continue the status quo of having the house to herself and husband.

I just wondered whether she can nudge him onwards and upwards, both gain their freedom, if she provides an incentive and goal for him to work towards.

I think adults of a certain age can easily obtain overseas language posts and working visas to a few countries like Australia and Canada. So all we might be talking about here is a gift or loan of an airfare and some spends before the son gets paid.

Both parties benefit - she gets her house back, he gets an investment in his career and a boost to his CV and confidence.

Might be kinder than marching him down to the Army recruitment office.

Alikay

BigAunty wrote: »

Might be kinder than marching him down to the Army recruitment office.

Well.... DH spent 9 years in the Army which kicked off a fantastic well paid career in Engineering and DS2 is doing very well in the RAF so I don't think joining HM forces is a bad move for a lot of youngsters, but obviously forcing any career on a young person is a bad idea.

Mojisola

We've still got one at home because he's not well enough to live independently but he's another adult who lives here.

We're his parents but he's not a child any longer. I'm not going to behave towards him as if he was still 12 years old!

He doesn't live a separate life to us - we all do the jobs that have to be done so if he has washing that needs doing, he's add ours to it to make a full load and vice versa, we share cooking for evening meals, etc.

Alikay

We also have one who returns most weekends from RAF base to see his girlfriend who lives locally. He doesn't pay us and we don't want him to, but picks up bread and milk if we need it, makes drinks etc, helps when we have the rest of the crew over for Sunday dinner and best of all, acts as taxi if DH and I go out with friends .