Full Nest Syndrome

Kaye1

Is slipping a nightie on in the morning too much of a drama?


I agree with the posts about him pulling his weight etc but some of your reasons seem quite selfish. Which is fine- your house, your rules but your son might be 'put out' that you want him gone because you don't want to cook a big dinner and walk around in an state of undress.


None of these reasons are beyond fixing- tell him he can cook his own tea and throw on a dressing gown in the morning.


Sit down and talk- agree a time table and some new house rules. You may 'want your house back' but I am also sure you want a happy relationship with your son.

j.e.j.

Unfortunately, graduates don't walk into well-paying jobs the minute they graduate, much as we're all led to believe they will.

I don't suppose the lad really wanted to move back to his parents house after having gained his independence for 3 or 4 years.

I don't quite understand why you're treating your only child like an unwanted guest.

amistupid

It's a tricky one. On one hand I feel sorry for youngsters nowadays, jobs aren't easy to get, pay's often poor, rents are high and it's virtually impossible for them to get on the housing ladder.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for parents that are having to home children in their twenties. I have two who are in their mid-late twenties, they've often leave home only to return again when they've messed up and are skint.

In times of trouble most parents help their offspring but when it happens regularly, it does feel as if they're using you as a mini Welfare State.

BigAunty

j.e.j. wrote: »

I don't quite understand why you're treating your only child like an unwanted guest.

It's possible to love a family member and not want to live with them.

He's spoiling her routines and privacy, not letting her relax. It doesn't help that he appears aimless and lacks drive - given his lack of initiative, it looks like he could be there for years coasting along with mum providing a roof and dad providing a job.

She should take him down the Armed Forces recruitment office - accommodation provided with the job - 2 birds with one stone.

onlyroz

I'd suggest treating him like a lodger - so he cooks his own meals, does his own laundry, keeps his room tidy and takes his turn with general household chores. He should also pay at least enough rent to cover the cost of having him there. You certainly shouldn't be rescheduling your life around him.

System

My parents let my sister live rent free after uni, mainly cos she was working and saving up to go travelling, but after she got back i think they worried they'd made a rod for their own backs by not charging her rent, thankfully for them, she decided to move to london with friends so it might be whilst son doesn;t seem to have an aim now, along the line it might change and he might find the motivation to want to move out.

For now, although i agree its your house and there should be boundaries (such as him cooking for himself if he wants an evening meal etc), you have to remember he's an adult. So there needs to be some compromise at both ends, he needs to treat you and the house with respect, you need to treat him like an adult (and yes probably charge him rent even if its just a token amount) and not make him feel as though he's an inconvenience.

Try and have a chat with him, ask him what he sees himself doing, hat he'd like to do in the next few years. Is there a particular field he wants to work in? What would help him get closer to that? Does he eventually want his own place? Would he be happy sharing etc? That should hopefully give you both a better idea of where you stand right now and what future plans are likely to be.

All this said its coming from someone who moved out at 18 and never went back.... partly because i no longer have a room there anymore, and partly cos at times i was made to feel me being there was an inconvenience (for example me moving home after uni was never even an option as far as my parents were concerned).

Andypandyboy

Sorry, no, don't understand it. Ours knew they were always welcome at home, yes, sometimes they irritated us, but they were minor issues. I would never want any of my kids to think that they didn't have a home with us, a safe haven, a bolt hole.

It is a cruel world out there and if you can't rely on mum and dad who can you rely on?

gettingtheresometime

Please don't think we don't love him or that he's not welcome (yes I do know the irony of that!)

I do appreciate that its hard for graduates and I've acknowledged that to him; I also know that its going to be a transition for him as well - I moved back home for a couple of months before I got married and I know how hard that was !

Weirdly we did have a conversation about 'light suppers' tonight and he's accepts that our routines have moved on and he'll either fit in or cook something himself.....and even offered to cook one evening a week - cue a minutes silence whilst me and his dad processed this!

Duchy I don't mind washing as I'd rather have a full load of washing than two half loads if that makes sense but he will be sharing the ironing.

j.e.j.

BigAunty wrote: »

It's possible to love a family member and not want to live with them.

He's spoiling her routines and privacy, not letting her relax. It doesn't help that he appears aimless and lacks drive - given his lack of initiative, it looks like he could be there for years coasting along with mum providing a roof and dad providing a job.

She should take him down the Armed Forces recruitment office - accommodation provided with the job - 2 birds with one stone.

But you have to take people for what they are, not what you want them to be. Perhaps she herself is unambitious?


As for spoiling her routines and privacy, all she's said is that she can no longer walk round in the nuddy, well most of us manage quite well without walking round the house with our wobbly bits flapping about, it's surely not that much of a hardship.


Yeah, great idea, make him into cannon fodder for our next war. She'll get her privacy back then. :mad:

Peter333

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Sorry, no, don't understand it. Ours knew they were always welcome at home, yes, sometimes they irritated us, but they were minor issues. I would never want any of my kids to think that they didn't have a home with us, a safe haven, a bolt hole.

It is a cruel world out there and if you can't rely on mum and dad who can you rely on?

Yes I do agree. And I agree with JEJ that young people shouldn't be made to feel as if they are no longer wanted or welcome, so the OP needs to tread carefully here...

He absolutely should not be made to feel he is not part of the family as it is his home, and as JEJ says, don't make him feel like he is a nuisance and an inconvenience. As andypandyboy says, it's a cruel world out there, and young folk shouldn't be made to feel they can't come home should they need to.

Unfortunately the OP has come across a little as if she is irritated by her son being there, and her reasons for being annoyed by him are flimsy. I bet he would be mortified if he knew this. So OP, you need to be careful here.... Set ground rules; he needs to contribute financially and help you cook meals and wash up. No point in him doing his own washing as it's easier to do it all together, but at least share the workload.

But

Don't make him feel he isn't part of the family anymore though. Me and my OH have made it clear to all 3 of ours that they are welcome hone ANY time. (Daughter is in uni and 2 sons have left and are with partners...) They know they can return if they want, and this makes them secure and happy.

Put yourself in his shoes; imagine if you returned home from uni and discovered your mother was irritated by you being there and wished you would leave! :eek: