Full Nest Syndrome

lazer

No wonder there is a housing crisis if people expect their children to move out at 18.

In my family - many of my cousins are still living at home with their parents - some must be well over 30, but where is the harm in it, the only ones that have moved out are those that went to Uni or those that are now married or living with partners.

If your parent has a spare bedroom, why not use it and give the money for board to your family instead of some greedy landlord, and spend time with your parents and family instead of some strangers in a house share.

Personally i went to Uni at 18, moved out, but was home for holidays weekends etc. I didn't mve back home again until i wzs about 28 and only then becuase I had a job near home and was trying to buy my own house, but my parents always welcomed me home and in fact they moved house at one stage and renovated the new house from a 2 bed to a 3 bed so there was always room for me and my brother to come home (slightly unnecessary but it was nice to always feel welcome!).

I would hate for my parents not to want me to come home, it was always nice knowing if i needed it, there was always a home for me

duchy

It makes perfect sense - and is more healthy IMO than parents who have their graduates back home and slip back into the parent child relationship again .

You've accepted you are all in transition- You are seeing yourselves as a couple again and not arranging your life around your children as you have an expectation he will be off on his own adventures again soon.

Nothing weird about having the supper conversation- It was on your mind and it came up in conversation.
Sounds like he is mature enough to have noticed things have changed whilst he was gone and doesn't expect you to change things back for his benefit by his reaction. Maybe some of this is that you you *think* you should go back to the previous Mum/Son dynamic - and the reality is neither of you want that but both want a more adult Mother/Son relationship (and he's the envy of his mates whose Mums are smothering them )

I think you're handling it very well -including the ironing !!

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Please don't think we don't love him or that he's not welcome (yes I do know the irony of that!)

I do appreciate that its hard for graduates and I've acknowledged that to him; I also know that its going to be a transition for him as well - I moved back home for a couple of months before I got married and I know how hard that was !

Weirdly we did have a conversation about 'light suppers' tonight and he's accepts that our routines have moved on and he'll either fit in or cook something himself.....and even offered to cook one evening a week - cue a minutes silence whilst me and his dad processed this!

Duchy I don't mind washing as I'd rather have a full load of washing than two half loads if that makes sense but he will be sharing the ironing.

Maddybee33

It's a tricky situation, and depends entirely on how your son is. Is he ambitious, or is he what some might sometimes call a 'chancer'? If he's the latter, then set clear rules, have him paying rent etc.
However, if he's the former, and has clear goals to move out asap, then be a bit kinder to him.

An old friend had to move back in with her parents after she finished university. They didn't charge her for rent. Why? Because they made the justification that times have changed (they HAVE changed), it's not easy to just walk into a 'proper' job- she herself has had to take various unstable minimum wage jobs in the pursuit of a 'real' job, and her parents want her to have some savings when the time comes for her to fly the nest (they have plenty of money- they own a house, and she DOES want to leave, she never wanted to be a burden). I suppose, what I've always said comes into play here- you choose to have children, they don't choose to be born into a bad economy- it's general parenting to help them along. Just make sure that he isn't taking advantage of this.

Good luck to both of you :-)

duchy

I doubt there are many parents who would class their a few weeks/months past graduating with a degree offspring as "chancers" . I think they'd tend to be proud that they have spent the last three years applying themselves to that achievement.

jozxyqk

Tricky one, this and I can see both sides.

I left home at 18 to go to uni. After 4 years I graduated and didn't have a job lined up, so I returned home. This was difficult all round, partly because I was drifting along expecting one of my many speculative letters to get me a job in my field.

I helped out with chores and contributed an agreed percentage of my income to the household, for what it was worth. I had to get a low-level office job to get me off JSA, but at least this gave me access to a computer for job applications! (This was the late 1990s).

My parents didn't always treat me like an adult...but they could argue I didn't always act like one.

Fortunately, I managed to get a job in my field at the other end of the country, approx. 6 months after I'd moved in. There is no way I would be where I am now without my parents' support in those tough times.

So, it's tricky. Your son sounds a little like I was and might need a little encouragement.

Alibat

As a parent who has been in similar circumstances I can totally understand your position. Our daughter came home from uni two years ago and as much as I missed her when she was away the change in routine when she came home took some getting used to. It was initially difficult to treat her as a fellow adult and stop ourselves from falling back into the familiar role of parents but we soon adjusted and established new routines.

The bit that would worry me is the 'drifting'. Amongst my daughter's circle of uni friends the only ones to have started to build themselves a career in their chosen field are those that were able to initially take on unpaid intern ships and voluntary roles. If this is also the case for your son I would be encouraging him along that path while he doesn't have to worry about keeping a roof over his head. The ones who had to support themselves straight off have had quite a rough time and are stuck in minimum wage jobs with little prospect of getting a foot on the career ladder which after all the work they have put into their education is very unfair, but that's a whole other issue.

Last week it looked like my daughter would be moving out within the next month or so and I got very down about it (which I obviously hid from her) but gave myself a talking to and thought of all the positive things her moving on would bring. Then her plans fell through so she will be here until at least the end of the year and I found myself feeling disappointed. You just can't win can you?

gettingtheresometime

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I appreciate it is early days and I think yesterday the mess that the house is in because of the stuff he's accumulated is all over the house (he was asked to come home and sort his bedroom out so we could avoid this situation) finally got to me....and yes I did want my house back!

He's not a bad lad but he's off with his dad this weekend so I think I'll suggest to OH that he has a chat with him about rent / how things are going to pan out / his future plans

I'll come back in a month's time and let you know how things are going!

j.e.j.

Chuck the clutter in his bedroom, - that's what I do with my flatmates stuff. He can keep it in his den, and sort through it. I don't want to see clutter about the place, it makes me feel stressed.

BigAunty

lazer wrote: »

No wonder there is a housing crisis if people expect their children to move out at 18.

According to Migration Watch,

"the UK population has increased by an average of around 400,000 people a year since 2000 (Under the last Labour government, an extra 3.6 million foreign migrants arrived).

The Office of National Statistics project that the UK population will increase by a further five million over the next ten years and that two-thirds of this increase will be down to future migrants and their children. The remaining population growth will come from the UK’s existing population, including births to immigrants already here.

[According to MW and their interpretation of Census Data], 65% of UK household growth from 1996 to 2014 was the direct consequence of international migration to the UK. That will have had a significant impact on the demand for housing. Between 2010 and 2014, households headed by persons born in the UK increased by 32,000 per year on average; households headed by persons born outside the UK by 115,000 or 78%. On present trends immigration will continue to be a major factor in housing demand"

So the housing is not caused by parents hoping their adult children will move out after they graduate!

gettingtheresometime

j.e.j. wrote: »

Chuck the clutter in his bedroom, - that's what I do with my flatmates stuff. He can keep it in his den, and sort through it. I don't want to see clutter about the place, it makes me feel stressed.

I would if would go in .....if was all put into his room then he wouldn't be able to get in !

He has spent a couple of hours tonight sorting the stuff that was already in his bedroom; we've come to the conclusion that he doesn't need pjs for Christmas this year,the recycling has seen years worth of magazines that last saw the light of day years ago and the local junior school will be asked if they want numerous copies of horrible histories magazines for wet playtimes.

We've also 2 spare double duvets needing a new home (local homeless charity asked if they want them)....and that's just the stuff on top of the clutter!

And the charity shop could open a new branch with the stuff that will be dropped off on the weekend!