Full Nest Syndrome

pickledonionspaceraider

I think people are being very harsh on the OP. I think she has posted honestly and from the heart and I can totally understand it. OP you have nothing to feel guilty about - you are a person, as well as the mother of an adult - you are allowed to have independent thought that do not revolve around your grown up offspring.

I think some parents hold their offspring's development back by making it too easy for them - give them wings and let them fly.

Making things too easy for grown up offspring does not prepare them for the world in any way shape or form

jaylee3

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I think people are being very harsh on the OP. I think she has posted honestly and from the heart and I can totally understand it. OP you have nothing to feel guilty about - you are a person, as well as the mother of an adult - you are allowed to have independent thought that do not revolve around your grown up offspring.

I think some parents hold their offspring's development back by making it too easy for them - give them wings and let them fly.

Making things too easy for grown up offspring does not prepare them for the world in any way shape or form

Yeah, that's a good idea of course, but making a young person feel like a parasite who is no longer wanted now they are over 18, and that they are a nuisance and in the way, and stopping you from having your 'privacy,' and marching them off to join the army, is not 'giving them wings and letting them fly...' It's a horrible way to treat them.

Saying to them that they can make their own way in life, and encouraging them to be independent, and forge a career, and travel the world, whilst letting them know that this is always their home and you will always be there for them, is 'giving them wings and letting them fly.' Letting them know they are an inconvenience to your life and are getting in the way is not 'giving them wings and letting them fly.'

By all means encourage them to grow and be independent, but it's just horrible to make them feel like an inconvenience in their own home. How the hell is your son or daughter going to feel, knowing you no longer want them there? Their own parents! They are no longer welcome in their own home! WTH?! :huh:

What a sad and sorry and selfish lot we have become if we can't allow our children back into the family nest when they have finished their university degree, without making them feel they are a huge inconvenience, and they are getting in the way of us walking around in our knickers or making us have to do a few bits of extra washing!

And I have one question for the ones who think people's children should sling their hook and leave after university; where the hell are supposed to go? Or are you under some bizarre illusion that they all get £75,000 a year jobs as soon as they leave university and can go out and buy their own house?! FGS, if you can't depend on your own parents, who the hell CAN you depend on?

As I said, these type of parents are the ones who will be crying off and whinging because their children don't visit and don't want to know them when they are old.

You reap what you sow, remember that...

Jagraf

jaylee3 wrote: »

Yeah, that's a good idea of course, but making a young person feel like a parasite who is no longer wanted now they are over 18, and that they are a nuisance and in the way, and stopping you from having your 'privacy,' and marching them off to join the army, is not 'giving them wings and letting them fly...' It's a horrible way to treat them.

Saying to them that they can make their own way in life, and encouraging them to be independent, and forge a career, and travel the world, whilst letting them know that this is always their home and you will always be there for them, is 'giving them wings and letting them fly.' Letting them know they are an inconvenience to your life and are getting in the way is not 'giving them wings and letting them fly.'

By all means encourage them to grow and be independent, but it's just horrible to make them feel like an inconvenience in their own home. How the hell is your son or daughter going to feel, knowing you no longer want them there? Their own parents! They are no longer welcome in their own home! WTH?! :huh:

What a sad and sorry and selfish lot we have become if we can't allow our children back into the family nest when they have finished their university degree, without making them feel they are a huge inconvenience, and they are getting in the way of us walking around in our knickers or making us have to do a few bits of extra washing!

And I have one question for the ones who think people's children should sling their hook and leave after university; where the hell are supposed to go? Or are you under some bizarre illusion that they all get £75,000 a year jobs as soon as they leave university and can go out and buy their own house?! FGS, if you can't depend on your own parents, who the hell CAN you depend on?

As I said, these type of parents are the ones who will be crying off and whinging because their children don't visit and don't want to know them when they are old.

You reap what you sow, remember that...

I can't see one person who comes across as not loving their kids on this thread and wouldn't welcome them home for a while, or until they got sorted. How long is the debating issue here.

I think you are assuming that keeping them close (physically) equates to loving them most. That really isn't the case.

Also kids aren't an insurance policy for their parents in old age.

pimento

I have a 23 year old who came back after uni a couple of years ago and has had real problems finding a job that pays enough for him to move out.

He really wants to leave me and I really want him to leave but he's temping at the moment in the absence of anything better so can't leave home. He's even tried looking for work in other parts of the country.

It's tough out there.

TBagpuss

jaylee3 wrote: »

:huh:

Unbelievable.

If this is the attitude that some people have towards their own children, it's no wonder families are fractured and splintered, and young people feel directionless and unwanted.

Come back from university 'hi mom, hi dad...I've missed you.' :wave:

'Yeah yeah yeah, well do your own washing and ironing and cooking, and when are you leaving by the way? We don't really want you here anymore.'

Lovely attitude towards your own children.

At the end of the day this is nothing more than selfish, thoughtless, and immature adults who are all 'me me me' who think that being a parent stops when the child is 18.

These parents will be whining and moaning when they are old, and their children have moved far away and never visit. I wouldn't blame them if their parents have the same 'naff off you're not wanted here anymore now you're over 18' attitude that some have on this thread! And this 'if you boot your kids out and be harsh on them they will respect you for it and you will see them more, and if you pander to them you will see them less,' is pure fiction; made up by someone who can't be bothered to be a parent anymore, once the child hits 18.

What a sad and sorry attitude. Thank goodness there are some people here who don't feel like this. At least their children can grow up knowing they are loved and cared for no matter how old they get, or what they are going through, or where they are in their life.

Of COURSE we need to help our young find their way and not encourage them to stay at home forever, but the attitudes of some on here - towards their own children - is disgusting.

\I disagree. It is absolutely possible to love one's children / parents and to want to raise strong, independent, self reliant adults. I haven;t seen anyone, including the OP, suggest that children should be kicked out at 18 or unsupported, but the relationship between a minor child and his or her parents, and that of an adult child and his or her parents are different. As parents , you have a responsibility to support your children both materially and emotionally while they are children. nice they are adults, it is appropriate to continue to be supportive, but that does not mean giving them everything and continuing to treat them as if they were still young children. I would say that far from being selfish, parents who encourage their children to become independent are the most responsible parents there are.

OP, I think it is very easy for everyone to slip back into old patterns, and it is entirely reasonable that you should feel frustrated and a little resentful, please don't feel guilty or assume that this makes you a bad mother.

I would suggest sitting down with your son and discussing how to make the current arrangements work for everyone.

Some examples of things which you might like to consider:

Sharing jobs. Rather than having your son do his own laundry (which is inefficient) why not have an arrangements that he does everyone's some of the time? Or that he takes on a different household task in return for you doing his laundry with yours (subject to his putting it into the laundry basket, of course!) It could be that he does [some of] your ironing as well as his own, and in return you do his washing, or it could be that one week in three he does all the laundry, and theother 2 weeks you and your husband do it.

Cooking - again, one option would be to split this, so that he cooks for all of you once or twice a week. Alternatively, if you don't cook in the evening,s then let him know, and have an agreement that he is welcome to cook his own meals, (and clear up afterwards) or to eat with you and have what you are making.

Cleaning - it goes without saying that he should be responsible for his own room - it would also be reasonable for him to help with the rest of the house - this could be on a rota basis - one week in three he is responsible for cleaning the cooker / washing the floor / vacuuming the living rooms etc, or it could be that you agree that you will continue to do that, and he will take on something else - whether it is emptying the bins and putting them out, sorting the recycling , mowing the lawn, cleaning the windows, or whatever

Rent / Financial contribution - come to an agreement on what works for you. ou might find it would help if you and your husband treated the contribution he makes as 'fun' money - that you can put towards eating out, holidays, nights out etc.

When I moved back in temporarily with my parents the deal we had was that I did the food shopping one week in three (and paid for it) and that we tried to organise it so that that shop was the one where bigger, non-perishable items like cleaning products, wine and beer and tinned stuff was bought, so that I was paying more than 1/3 of the total grocery spend. I didn't pay rent as the reason I was living there was that I had moved job s and was trying to sell my house, so I was still paying a mortgage.

The effect was that my parents were slightly better off financially with me there than without, as I was paying for a bit more than my 'share' of the bills, and they also gained time, as I was doing a fair share of the household chores (and most things take no longer / need no more effort whether you are doing them for 2 or for 3).
Had it not been for the fact that I was paying a mortgage elsewhere I would have insisted on paying some kind of rent .

Think of things which could make having him there more of a positive - could he act as taxi driver so you and your husband can go out for a nice meal without either of you having to be a designated driver, for instance? Get him to help with a project suich as decorating that you've been putting off?

Do also consider that he may be panicking underneath at having completed his degree and finding it hard to move on.

Finally, if his stuff is everywhere, set a deadline for it to be sorted out so it is manageable - whether that means having most of it in his room, or in the garage, or even neatly stacked in the spare room, but not scattered across the entire house.

It sounds as though you and your son are both reasonable people, so sit down, discuss it, and work out some shared rules / arrangements that will work for you all.

heartbreak_star

I shifted home after a relationship breakup, and my mother immediately regressed to treating me like an errant teenager...which probably led to me acting like one. It wasn't that I felt unloved or unwelcome...I just "didn't fit" in the household dynamics anymore.


I was ready to take on a contract occupying 2 classrooms in a school ("security by occupation" - fun, cheap and lots of room) when OH asked me to move in.


I get on much better with my mother when we aren't living together!


HBS x

Jagraf

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I shifted home after a relationship breakup, and my mother immediately regressed to treating me like an errant teenager...which probably led to me acting like one. It wasn't that I felt unloved or unwelcome...I just "didn't fit" in the household dynamics anymore.


I was ready to take on a contract occupying 2 classrooms in a school ("security by occupation" - fun, cheap and lots of room) when OH asked me to move in.


I get on much better with my mother when we aren't living together!


HBS x

I went home for a two week visit when I was 26, had a row with my dad and he sent me to bed :rotfl::rotfl: I think that was day 4. I believe that's probably our limit. I'm in my forties and they still think I have the same habits as when I was a teen

heartbreak_star

Jagraf wrote: »

I went home for a two week visit when I was 26, had a row with my dad and he sent me to bed :rotfl::rotfl: I think that was day 4. I believe that's probably our limit. I'm in my forties and they still think I have the same habits as when I was a teen

Yep - should note with the above I was 31 at the time *chuckle*


HBS x

pleasedelete

Alikay wrote: »

All families are different, but this to me seems incredibly indulgent. OP's son has already been supported by his parents through 6th form and his degree. DH and I both left school and started work at 16, doing any further education at our own cost after work. If any of our kids wanted to study abroad after uni they'd be expected (actually they themselves would expect...) to work for a year in a warehouse/shop/bar and save up to do it.

The world has moved on from then. We used to be adults and working at 14. Then 16. Now the age to leave school is 18

You must stay in some form of education or training until your 18th birthday if you were born on or after 1 September 1997

Your options are:

full-time education - eg at a school or college
an apprenticeship or traineeship
part-time education or training - as well as being employed, self-employed or volunteering for 20 hours or more a week

It isn't a case of of doing your children a favour supporting them in 6th form. Legally they are still your responsibility.

Jagraf

pleasedelete wrote: »

The world has moved on from then. We used to be adults and working at 14. Then 16. Now the age to leave school is 18

You must stay in some form of education or training until your 18th birthday if you were born on or after 1 September 1997

Your options are:

full-time education - eg at a school or college
an apprenticeship or traineeship
part-time education or training - as well as being employed, self-employed or volunteering for 20 hours or more a week

It isn't a case of of doing your children a favour supporting them in 6th form. Legally they are still your responsibility.

So really, further education or work, its just that kids have the added bonus of being trained too if they are working. This avoids them sitting doing nothing. There's nothing stopping the, earning at 16 so long as they are training too.

Many more opportunity than there used to be, I think.

I do question also whether parents are still legally responsible for the education of a 16/17 year old?