Full Nest Syndrome

System

Peter333 wrote: »

Yes I do agree. And I agree with JEJ that young people shouldn't be made to feel as if they are no longer wanted or welcome, so the OP needs to tread carefully here...

He absolutely should not be made to feel he is not part of the family as it is his home, and as JEJ says, don't make him feel like he is a nuisance and an inconvenience. As andypandyboy says, it's a cruel world out there, and young folk shouldn't be made to feel they can't come home should they need to.

Unfortunately the OP has come across a little as if she is irritated by her son being there, and her reasons for being annoyed by him are flimsy. I bet he would be mortified if he knew this. So OP, you need to be careful here.... Set ground rules; he needs to contribute financially and help you cook meals and wash up. No point in him doing his own washing as it's easier to do it all together, but at least share the workload.

But

Don't make him feel he isn't part of the family anymore though. Me and my OH have made it clear to all 3 of ours that they are welcome hone ANY time. (Daughter is in uni and 2 sons have left and are with partners...) They know they can return if they want, and this makes them secure and happy.

Put yourself in his shoes; imagine if you returned home from uni and discovered your mother was irritated by you being there and wished you would leave! :eek:

I second everything you've said.

My mum never intentionally wanted to make me feel like it wasn't my home anymore or that i wasn't welcome but that's how i ended up feeling, and if you carry on as things are OP you risk your son feeling the same way.

enthusiasticsaver

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

as you can guess its the opposite problem of the empty nest!


He hasn't got a 'proper' job yet though he's fortunate in the sense his dad has got him working in the company that he owns (its practically a one man band thing) so he's not lounging (not that he would be allowed to!) all day but I think part of the problem is that I think son would be happy to drift for the rest of his natural - if that makes sense

The Uni year has only just finished so it seems a little unfair to accuse your son of drifting when he has probably only been back a week or so. I don't suppose he is that thrilled about moving back in with mum and dad either so surely putting a dressing gown on in the morning is no big hardship to making him feel welcome. You would do that for any guest surely, in particular your only child?


Both our daughters moved back briefly after Uni, then left, then one came back then moved out and got married. We have always made it clear we would be happy to provide a roof over their heads should they need it. They both own their own houses now, one locally but the other lives 250 miles away but is often back for a few weeks catching up with us, her sister and school friends and I love having her back.


It is tough forging a new career and trying to get established initially in a home of your own is expensive so after three years of uni it is unrealistic to expect him just to be able to move out and set up on his own. You have to forge a new relationship with him now as co habiting adults. He needs to pay a financial contribution when he is able to and you should not need to cook or clean or do his washing unless you want to. Encourage him in finding work and a new social life and I daresay he will soon move out.

GaleSF63

You do need to talk.

It does seem that neither of you thought about the fact that it might be different - which is quite understandable, but it obviously is different and either you have not yet worked out what you want and what you expect (either of you) or you know but haven't communicated it.

I went back to my parents for about 18 months after college and it didn't feel the same. It wasn't really my home any more; it was my parents home and I was just staying there.

He's been living an independent life, coming and going as he pleased and now he's back in the situation of being the "junior" and probably doesn't know how to behave or what is expected of him.

Can he come and go as he pleases without telling anyone or does he need to say when he will be back etc..

Does he know you don't have a proper meal in the evening? Does he cook? He might like to cook a meal for all of you but fears that the kitchen is no longer his.

Clearing the air will help all of you.

VfM4meplse

amistupid wrote: »

It's a tricky one. On one hand I feel sorry for youngsters nowadays, jobs aren't easy to get, pay's often poor, rents are high and it's virtually impossible for them to get on the housing ladder.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for parents that are having to home children in their twenties. I have two who are in their mid-late twenties, they've often leave home only to return again when they've messed up and are skint.

In times of trouble most parents help their offspring but when it happens regularly, it does feel as if they're using you as a mini Welfare State.

I dislike the tone of this whole thread. Children are for life and you cannot support them selectively, even as adults. I have close family staying with me atm - didn't ask me, but didn't need to - and I am delighted to do everything for them that I am doing for myself, meals, washing, leisure included. I wouldn't dream of asking for rent or upkeep, why should I?

Treat them well lifelong, and your kids will treat you well in your old age. People should think this through before they have the decision to make babies in the first place.

Jagraf

I can see everyone's perspective on this one.

No one wants to alienate their children, but also they don't want to make it difficult for them to become independent.

The reason I say this is that I have a friend with two boys who went to university. They both came home after uni for a while, sometimes its to get your bearings back.

The one stayed I think about 6 weeks, while he got any work he could find, and then moved out - there was just him so he could afford a house share and a small car. He's doing really well for himself.

The other didn't get a job and stayed for 5 years :eek:. Eventually he moved out but is still drifting Around with no clear aims. He still takes his washing home :eek:.

They lived rent and cost free at their mums so everything seemed more expensive in the big wide world, but one made the leap and one didn't.

I would welcome kids back but it would make me feel uneasy if they didnt move on fairly quickly or have a clear plan. I'm rubbish at letting go and I know I've been a bit helicopter parent but I'm now doing brilliantly :rotfl:.

It's a really fine line, I think short term with boundaries is fine, but there needs to be some kind of deadline.

amistupid

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I dislike the tone of this whole thread. Children are for life and you cannot support them selectively, even as adults. I have close family staying with me atm - didn't ask me, but didn't need to - and I am delighted to do everything for them that I am doing for myself, meals, washing, leisure included. I wouldn't dream of asking for rent or upkeep, why should I?

Agreed BUT there must be a time when they fully support themselves. Too many children take the easy and cheapest option and that's living with mum and dad.

Your example of close relatives staying with you for a short while, is a completely different scenario. You've not been looking after them all their life and haven't got the same parental expectation of them flying the nest and gaining their independence.

Being a good parent doesn't mean you always say "Yes" to your kids, occasionally they need a kick up the a*se. Sometimes children like fledglings, need a parental nudge to fly the nest.

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Treat them well lifelong, and your kids will treat you well in your old age.

Mollycoddle them and they'll still be with you when they're pensioners.

pollypenny

I can't understand the OP here either.

Yes, we have our own routine when the kids leave, but they are family and, until they are established in a career and own home, are welcome. My two boomeranged back a few times.

As for chores, DS moved the lawns and sorted the bins. I continued to do all the washing and ironing, as there was no point in him putting three shirts in the machine and tumble dryer. OH is the cook. Should he have just cooked for us and let DS fend for himself an hour later?

Needless to say, he paid board and lodge,

jaylee3

Peter333 wrote: »

Yes I do agree. Young people shouldn't be made to feel as if they are no longer wanted or welcome. He absolutely should not be made to feel he is not part of the family as it is his home, and as JEJ says, don't make him feel like he is a nuisance and an inconvenience. As andypandyboy says, it's a cruel world out there, and young folk shouldn't be made to feel they can't come home should they need to.

Unfortunately the OP has come across a little as if she is irritated by her son being there, and her reasons for being annoyed by him are flimsy. I bet he would be mortified if he knew this. So OP, you need to be careful here.... Set ground rules; he needs to contribute financially and help you cook meals and wash up. No point in him doing his own washing as it's easier to do it all together, but at least share the workload.

Put yourself in his shoes; imagine if you returned home from uni and discovered your mother was irritated by you being there and wished you would leave! :eek:

This ^^^

The poor lad is probably not sure what his future holds, and is very likely a bit nervous and worried; imagine how he would feel if he knew his mom was getting irked by his very existence. I have found some of the posts on here very sad, like 'march him to the army office if you wanna get rid...' Poor lad.

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Sorry, no, don't understand it. Ours knew they were always welcome at home, yes, sometimes they irritated us, but they were minor issues. I would never want any of my kids to think that they didn't have a home with us, a safe haven, a bolt hole.

It is a cruel world out there and if you can't rely on mum and dad who can you rely on?

Precisely! :T

BigAunty wrote: »

It's possible to love a family member and not want to live with them.

He's spoiling her routines and privacy, not letting her relax. It doesn't help that he appears aimless and lacks drive - given his lack of initiative, it looks like he could be there for years coasting along with mum providing a roof and dad providing a job.

She should take him down the Armed Forces recruitment office - accommodation provided with the job - 2 birds with one stone.

Spoiling her routine and privacy?! He is her son, not some annoying unwanted lodger that she didn't want and can't get rid of. Yes it's understandable to not want to live with a family member, but not your own flipping child! I am stunned by some attitudes on this thread.

onlyroz wrote: »

I'd suggest treating him like a lodger - so he cooks his own meals, does his own laundry, keeps his room tidy and takes his turn with general household chores. He should also pay at least enough rent to cover the cost of having him there. You certainly shouldn't be rescheduling your life around him.

What is the point of this? As someone said earlier in the thread, it actually makes sense to do all the washing at the same time, and is it really any hardship to chuck a few shirts and some socks in with you and your husband's washing? And is it any hardship to cook an extra portion for dinner?

You can ask him to do the washing up and if he will do the ironing sometimes, and help with other household chores sometimes, and of course pay some board money to help pay his way, but saying he must just do everything himself, like he is an unwanted spare part, makes no sense. Someone said earlier in the thread that they were made to feel like an unwanted guest who was getting in the way when they came back home from university, and even now, they still feel hurt by it. Does the OP really want her son to feel like this?

I am sure he will find his way eventually, and asking him to help with some chores and asking him for board money, and gently asking him what he thinks he may want to do with his future is the way to go, not 'when are you leaving? Can you not join the army or something?' I mean, he can't have been there more than a month!!!

j.e.j. wrote: »

But you have to take people for what they are, not what you want them to be. Perhaps she herself is unambitious?

As for spoiling her routines and privacy, all she's said is that she can no longer walk round in the nuddy, well most of us manage quite well without walking round the house with our wobbly bits flapping about, it's surely not that much of a hardship.

Yeah, great idea, make him into cannon fodder for our next war. She'll get her privacy back then. :mad:

This :T I just cannot understand what routines and privacy have been spoiled. :huh:

Finally, I agree with what several people have said on here, the OP's reasons for not wanting him there are lame. I think she needs to think things through, and how her attitude could alienate her son if she is not careful. Of course she needs to make sure her son takes responsibility for his life, but the way she is going, she is running the risk of making him want to leave and never come back.

Jagraf

I would welcome a child with open arms, but not indefinitely. At what age is it acceptable to live at home until?

And why are parents concerned about alienating their kids - I find that kids whose parents pander are much more likely to see their kids less. Kids like the idea that their parents have their own lives.

BigAunty

I don't think the concerns that the OP has about her son's failure to move on are flimsy.

It's not simply a case that she can't trundle around in the nudd - it's about a lack of space, impact on routines and privacy. She has had a few years of having the place to themselves and now everything has been disrupted.

The second issue is that the son is drifting, and she wonders if his aimlessness is actually being fuelled by having him back because he is now protected from economic reality.

He's at an age where he should be proactively cutting the apron strings and, after his graduation, should be undertaking a massive job seeking exercise. He should be connecting with his old pals and be in a social whirlwind, out meeting girls (or boys, of course).

Instead, he's wondering why he's not getting served meat and two veg at night.

It must be painful for her to know that many of his contemporaries have bit the bullet and have applied themselves while his only progress appears to be that he does his own ironing.

He is welcome - but when is he going? Since he's not looking at other accommodation options or knuckled down to find a job that he finds off his own bat, he has the potential to be a long time stayer (remaining dependent on them).