Full Nest Syndrome

Jagraf

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I think its young and being naïve to a degree

When we are young, we have a totally different idea of the world, to how it is really like

I agree, but surely someone needs to put them straight. I hear parents saying oh, it's a waste of their education, all that effort ..... Being a student is a fab opportunity and experience, why do some need to feel "rewarded" so quickly afterwards?

forzaitalia

Difficult one. I left home at 24 (quite late really) and rented a house with my boyfriend. A year later we bought our own house, which we still live in. We got married in that time. We did have my husband's adult sons living with us at different times, and it did work. We just lead our own lives and I never felt I had to cook a meal. They paid rent and helped with the bills (they both worked). However, this was all back in the 80's when rent was relatively cheap and so were houses.

Such a different kettle of fish nowadays. Most houses are unaffordable and rents are sky high. My brother's children are 24 and 30 and still at home. They did try and rent but found it very hard and they were always broke. They've gone back home, but like you, my brother and his misses find it hard. They worry if they are out late, never know if they will be home for tea, and don't get much financial help. I personally feel these adult kids take advantage of free bed and board and treat the place like a hotel. I feel for you and for my brother! They are not babies.

Mojisola

forzaitalia wrote: »

My brother's children are 24 and 30 and still at home. They did try and rent but found it very hard and they were always broke. They've gone back home, but like you, my brother and his misses find it hard. They worry if they are out late, never know if they will be home for tea, and don't get much financial help.

I personally feel these adult kids take advantage of free bed and board and treat the place like a hotel. I feel for you and for my brother! They are not babies.

The kids only behave like that because they are allowed to. The remedy is in your brother's hands.

forzaitalia

Yes I suppose you are right Mojisola. Dare I say this, but the kids have been very spoilt all throughout their lives and really haven't learnt to stand on their own two feet. I couldn't wait to leave home as my mum was a smothering control freak, not at all caring or loving, so the decision was easy.

Watty_G

My wife & i have always made it very clear to both our now grown up children that's there's always a bed in times of need & I can't for the life of me think why we shouldn't.
However, to put this walking about the house in the nuddy into perspective when my company decided to close my office & move my job to fairly close to where our son lives I suggested I could be his lodger during the week? He replied "not likely, I'm not getting dressed every time I want to go to the toilet in the night" I take his point but it seems all those nappy changes & potty training hours aren't valid anymore 😁😁😁
Parenting inevitably moves from control to support but I don't see why the love has to go as well.

fierystormcloud

Watty_G wrote: »

My wife & i have always made it very clear to both our now grown up children that's there's always a bed in times of need & I can't for the life of me think why we shouldn't.

However, to put this walking about the house in the nuddy into perspective when my company decided to close my office & move my job to fairly close to where our son lives I suggested I could be his lodger during the week? He replied "not likely, I'm not getting dressed every time I want to go to the toilet in the night" I take his point but it seems all those nappy changes & potty training hours aren't valid anymore

Parenting inevitably moves from control to support but I don't see why the love has to go as well.

Well said.

Also, having your son or daughter there is not the same as having a lodger, yet some people treat their adult children as unwanted lodgers.

Why someone doesn't feel comfortable with their own CHILD there just eludes me.

System

Why someone doesn't feel comfortable with their own CHILD there just eludes me.

Being comfortable with ones adult offspring is one thing but being there to do their laundry, cook their meals and clean up after them is another.

Mojisola

Judi wrote: »

Being comfortable with ones adult offspring is one thing but being there to do their laundry, cook their meals and clean up after them is another.

If the parents treat their grown-up offspring as adults, they wouldn't do these things for them all the time.

The 'kids' would then have to behave like adults and take responsibility for their own lives.

Sometimes it's easier to combine washing to do a full load or cook meals together but, as long as everyone does their share, it all evens out.

Although your own kids aren't strangers like a lodger would be, it can be useful to think "Would I be doing this if X was a lodger?" If you'd expect a lodger to tidy the kitchen after cooking or clean the bath after use, why wouldn't you expect an adult child to do the same - if they lived in a houseshare with other people, they'd have to do it.

pickledonionspaceraider

Jagraf wrote: »

I agree, but surely someone needs to put them straight. I hear parents saying oh, it's a waste of their education, all that effort ..... Being a student is a fab opportunity and experience, why do some need to feel "rewarded" so quickly afterwards?

They will find out soon enough by themselves. Being a fully fledged adult with all the responsibility that comes with it, is not really the bed of roses that many of us envisioned when we were in our teens or early twenties.

You imagine all this FREEEEEEDOOOOMMM, and fun - but really the reality is different as chalk and cheese

To come from parents home, to uni and then expect them to have a realistic view of the world - it isn't going to happen - because they haven't yet LIVED, and have no insight into how things work. Life experience cannot be told - even if you tried they wouldn't listen - as in ''it will be different for me..' with no reasoning behind that thought, other than the misplaced confident assurance that being young brings

They haven't yet learned that it isn't an idealistic society and what they dreamed of when they were young will not measure up to the stifling rat race type life that a full time job and being a grown up can feel like.

I am off to build a tree house now

Jagraf

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

They will find out soon enough by themselves. Being a fully fledged adult with all the responsibility that comes with it, is not really the bed of roses that many of us envisioned when we were in our teens or early twenties.

You imagine all this FREEEEEEDOOOOMMM, and fun - but really the reality is different as chalk and cheese

To come from parents home, to uni and then expect them to have a realistic view of the world - it isn't going to happen - because they haven't yet LIVED, and have no insight into how things work. Life experience cannot be told - even if you tried they wouldn't listen - as in ''it will be different for me..' with no reasoning behind that thought, other than the misplaced confident assurance that being young brings

They haven't yet learned that it isn't an idealistic society and what they dreamed of when they were young will not measure up to the stifling rat race type life that a full time job and being a grown up can feel like.

I am off to build a tree house now

You put your kids in a tree house, that's a fab idea