Full Nest Syndrome

motorguy

We have a similar scenario. My son is back with us after finishing uni, and my wife, his step mum is really struggling with it.

Its a difficult time. Its not "the same" as when he was younger and living with us, but hes just not there yet in terms of having a job and making his own way independently in life.

I'm more relaxed with it but a little frustrated at his approach to getting a job - hes still of the belief that he'll get into the "right" job first time and thus is ruling out any job that anyone else might see as being able to get him started / tide him over until the right role comes along, which in this economic climate could take months / years - not helped by the fact he seems to be able to get by on his jobseekers allowance and what he gets from his mum (set up originally in lieu of maintenance but still ongoing)

Its like the fledgling bird on the edge of the nest analogy - too big to be comfortable in the nest, but not quite ready to take that step off yet.

motorguy

Jagraf wrote: »

I think kids have it a lot easier now to be honest.

Oh totally.

I'd a £500 mini for the duration when i was at uni, he has a £10K BMW (which he bought for cash from saving, part time jobs, upgrading from previous cars that he made money on, etc)

pickledonionspaceraider

Jagraf wrote: »

I think kids have it a lot easier now to be honest.

From what I see in our town things are harder now for young ones than in my day (in in my 40s)

In terms of job prospects and housing etc - much more competition now for jobs , college & uni places etc largely due to the population expansion in our town

Back when I was young, Uni was free - nowadays, if they are lucky enough to get in - they are walking away at the end with a debt of tens of thousands of pounds - and no guarantee of a future career (was there ever?)

How many graduates have spent a fortune on study to end up working in Mcdonalds?

From what I see in my working environment, these days, having a degree is not as valuable as it once was and is just as likely those with no degree are taking home salaries akin to those with 3 years study under their belt - get in a company and work your way up for those three years, rather than going to Uni and having a piece of paper to show for your life's experience

As a teenager, my generation were expected to get paper rounds and then Saturday jobs - as soon as we were old enough. It was the norm and we all just cracked on with it. Even these types of jobs are hard to come by for young uns these days

I wouldn't want to be teenager in this day and age to be honest - I sincerely think my generation had it easier than our offspring

Piggywiggy

I actually feel bad that I plan to move out next year as I know my dad is going to miss having me around.

Jagraf

The major problem with graduates not finding employment is that they are aiming too high. Most have very little experience, and are wet behind the ears. The best thing they can do is take ANY job and get experience, and that includes fast food chains, waiters, shop assistants. The worse thing they can do is appear superior.

They don't pay back their debt until they are earning quite a lot. They need to be out at work. They need to get rid of delusions of grandeur along with their parents who also thing they are better for having three years student life (lucky them) under their belt.

They will make it eventually. Their academic success will line up with their experience and then they will do well.

A graduate working full time at a fast food chain can afford to live on their own. It's difficult, but do-able.

Who is telling these students they can walk into high salary jobs straight away?

DollyDabbler

Who is telling these students they can walk into high salary jobs straight away?

Not me, with my two! One has just secured a permanent part time job, whilt he builds up his freelance work, based on his degree. One just home and looking for anything.

Both of mine are prepared for low wages based on an apprentice wage of £2.70, but it's not easy, when you are either counted as over qualified against school leavers coming into the labour market and eligible for apprenticeships and the accompanying training or not much relevant work experience if you find something in your field, because you only worked in your holidays so you could concentrate of your course.

pickledonionspaceraider

motorguy wrote: »

We have a similar scenario. My son is back with us after finishing uni, and my wife, his step mum is really struggling with it.

Its a difficult time. Its not "the same" as when he was younger and living with us, but hes just not there yet in terms of having a job and making his own way independently in life.

I'm more relaxed with it but a little frustrated at his approach to getting a job - hes still of the belief that he'll get into the "right" job first time and thus is ruling out any job that anyone else might see as being able to get him started / tide him over until the right role comes along, which in this economic climate could take months / years - not helped by the fact he seems to be able to get by on his jobseekers allowance and what he gets from his mum (set up originally in lieu of maintenance but still ongoing)

Its like the fledgling bird on the edge of the nest analogy - too big to be comfortable in the nest, but not quite ready to take that step off yet.

Job seekers allowance and allowance from his mother?

Sorry to be the one to point this out, but your lad needs a good kick up the arris. The sooner the better before your wife starts to get even more fed up than she already is, and it starts to cause real problems within your marriage.

You and the lads mother are enabling this behaviour and you need to break this cycle and stop relying on handouts.

Why the hell would he be motivated to get a minimum wage job, when he is getting two lots of free money thrown at him for sitting on his jacksy?

It speaks volumes that he seems to think it is more acceptable to claim benefits than take a minimum wage job - and you are not tackling him about it. Not a great work ethic there

It is your responsibility to point out to him that a minimum wage job will look far better on his CV than a long period of employment.

You really need to ramp up your ''relaxed approach''.

ripepear81

Interesting to hear the other side. I'm sure your son feels that he has done a lot of growing up and has mixed feelings about being home too. I'd bet he would understand that you also feel mixed about it, having got used to a different routine. Having this kind of stable base after Uni, when it's normal to spend a few years working out what exactly you're going to do and set up your own base for yourself , is so important. It's great that he has this. As others have said a few gentle ground rules might help and definitely, if he's earning, some contribution from this, might help everyone feel more easy. He's been independent for three or more years so no reason he can't continue to be when living with you. If it's any consolation, I was a very motivated graduate but it took me a long time to get a job and figure out what direction I wanted to go in....but three degrees later I am working in academia doing exactly what I wanted to do. That drifting aimless time isn't ideal but gives you an opportunity to save some cash and get some kind of working experience that might be a stepping stone to other things....and to leaving home!!! :-)

gettingtheresometime

Time for an update me thinks.

Since he came back, and my original posting, it has been hard to adjust but we've got into some sort of routine and, more importantly, understanding.

He's still working with his dad and he's started going to the local (council) gym so we have time away from each other - which I think is healthy! I still would like him to have more outside interests but as I'm hardly a party animal I guess I can't expect too much from him!

Things haven't quite gone according to plan in the sense that he needs to resit one of his exams and we're supporting him in dealing with this.

I think what the last month has taught me is that in the 3 years since he's left home we've all changed.....and whilst I wouldn't say he's fully house trained, he's alot more adult than he was when he left.

He knows he will always be welcome here but he also knows I'll never stop him following whatever path he wants to .....so long as its legal of course!

Kaye1

Thanks for the update OP. Glad things are settling down.