19 year old son and finances

Threebabes

stormbreaker wrote: »

I found this thread just yesterday, skipped through a few posts, mostly the negative ones:D, but you have done really well.

I have been fortunate that both my sons have worked from 14. It doesn't stop me helping them out and I am still paying their phone bills until the end of this contract.

My eldest has been fortunate enough to leave uni after 5yrs with no loans.

We did pay his rent and bills, but he funded his food and social life.

My youngest is in an apprenticeship and he has paid us dig money from the start. Because we spent so much on his brother, this is put away as savings for him(he does not know this). He gives us a third of his earnings, which is transferred every pay day, without asking or quibbling. This was something that both knew from teenagers, that once they were working full time, their salary should be thirds. A third to us, a third to save and a third to spend

My youngest at 20, is hoping to get on the property ladder soon after his apprenticeship is out.

All said and done, where we have failed him, is by doing everything for him, by way of housework etc. my eldest was out the house at 17 for uni and quickly found his feet. He says that we have mollycoddled our youngest and it certainly showed, when we returned from 3 weeks holiday to, two baskets of wet washing (I think he had used every t shirt, socks and pants before washing any). Not a surface had seen a cloth, mop or hoover! He had friends over and there was sticky spills everywhere! He will get a rude awakening when he does move out!

We were going to do exactly what you have done, if any of ours get a fulltime job / apprenticeship. We will take a 3rd and save up for them.

I have been leaving a few chores for him to do when we go to work. He would not know how to put washer on, but changes his bed.

theoretica

I was at university with a number of boys (they were all boys) who hadn't been taught any household skills. I think many of them rather regretted not learning them in the privacy of their parents' homes rather than publically later. Washing clothes (and dishes) ironing, cleaning the bathroom and cooking were all the subjects of probably humiliating failures.

missbiggles1

theoretica wrote: »

I was at university with a number of boys (they were all boys) who hadn't been taught any household skills. I think many of them rather regretted not learning them in the privacy of their parents' homes rather than publically later. Washing clothes (and dishes) ironing, cleaning the bathroom and cooking were all the subjects of probably humiliating failures.

I had a male friend at university whose mother (sensible woman) had taken him to the launderette and showed him how to use it, although he could use the washing machine at home. I always felt that I would've got on with her.

itch_for_a_glitch

Threebabes wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated.

Have a 19 year old son, who has just sat his A-levels. Mucked up Year 12 so resat it, hence him being 19.

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends. Now we feel its time for him to look for a part-time job before hopefully starting university in the autumn. I have been applying for jobs for him but he has not.

He will be going to university locally and living at home. So will have no bills to pay, he can live at home for free but we expect him to pay for his books, travel, mobile, any expenses, clothes etc. (He is 20 in November).

I mentioned first of all him paying his own mobile phone bill and he looked horrified.

I feel whilst parenting we have gone wrong somewhere and we have not taught him the value of money and as an adult he should be thinking about supporting himself.

Not sure what I am asking but hopefully advice on how to bring him into the real world gently.

Bank of mam and dad :eek:

Thank You

lol

Poor little thing. Hopefully you will be there for him for a long time.

ibizafan_2

I am also guilty of not making my sons do much at home. My view was that I could do it more quickly and better, and as I was at work full time, I didn't have time to waste re-doing things that weren't done to my standard. It doesn't mean that they can't learn. I am 62 now, and my mother never made me do much either. A bit of drying dishes was about the most, and tidying my bedroom when ordered to when it got too bad. I remember my mother telling me that I would always live surrounded by a complete tip with my nose in a book! It's
a family joke now that she has had to eat her words, as when I got my own place, I completely changed.

missbiggles1

ibizafan wrote: »

I am also guilty of not making my sons do much at home. My view was that I could do it more quickly and better, and as I was at work full time, I didn't have time to waste re-doing things that weren't done to my standard. It doesn't mean that they can't learn. I am 62 now, and my mother never made me do much either. A bit of drying dishes was about the most, and tidying my bedroom when ordered to when it got too bad. I remember my mother telling me that I would always live surrounded by a complete tip with my nose in a book! It's
a family joke now that she has had to eat her words, as when I got my own place, I completely changed.

I think you're female (apologies if I'm wrong).

The trouble with not getting sons to do their share is that they frequently then move in with a woman and expect her to take over where mum left off - sometimes they even shack up with someone for this very reason!:eek:

ibizafan_2

Yes, I am a female. I know that perhaps I should have made them do more, but neither have expected anyone else to wait on them and they are 33 and 30. They both went to university, so had to look after themselves. They soon learned to do so, as did I all those years ago.

carmina_piranha

I was late to teaching mine to help out around the house, partly because he is so clumsy, and partly because I wasn't working much, so the household chores were 'my job' while he was at school. I got a rude awakening when I started to work full time, and teenagers expected me to still do everything, despite their having entire days off college while I was at work.

It didn't take long for them to get over the shock of having to help out Putting them in charge of washing their own clothes was a revelation - they learned that there is a correlation between dirty socks being kicked under the bed, and running out of clean socks

Threebabes

I work 18 hrs 45 mins a week. Im home in time to prepare the evening meal, tho he can feed himself. I have two free days a week where I potter about tidying house etc.

When I worked fulltime as a temp a couple of years ago the 3 of them (kids) used to clean the house (in a fashion) when on school holidays. I was grateful for their help but do prefer to do it myself.

When I was at home, I don't remember doing any housework, washing etc. It didnt take long to pick up.

I could have done with a manual when I had our first baby, from baby to adulthood, it really is a learning curve being a parent. We have muddled through with the 3 of them as best as we could with no guidance. We were quite young, early 20's when we had our first.

silverwhistle

Interesting thread which I've been perusing over a cuppa. I'm not a parent and come from the generation when we used to get grants! (You may need to research that word.;) )

When I was at school I was far too shy to get a Saturday job (which would have been retail and dealing with the public..) but babysitting was a useful option and didn't impact my visits to the library every Saturday - I was an avid reader. During the holidays though I did get work, the Christmas post when I was old enough, factory type stuff and later even on local building sites (mainly cooking the bacon butties)! I'd contribute to household expenses when I was earning.

When I got to university I had the less complicated option of being in hall - my suspicion is that my school let them know how shy I was. Even so I made a note of every penny I spent (union film card £3.50, packet of polos 2p, 1/2 shandy 8p, biro .. etc..). I still have a sheet of A4 somewhere with the spending for a term documented - which as I did history now find a fascinating social history document!:D

If he wants to be an accountant (I didn't) he might find such an exercise useful as not only will it tell he where his money is going, but also teach the vital insight that you can add up different categories easily but it's far more difficult to break down spends (£20 from cashpoint?). The same applies if he ever goes into IT: you build data up from the most detailed level possible.

We are a richer society now and kids expect more (no more 2ps in the communal hall phone!), help with a car seems common, and even more as you describe. But at least you've come to realise the situation has to change and I wish you luck.