19 year old son and finances

Primrose

You have received a lot of common sense answers on here so I will onky add that your other duty as a parent should have been to train your son to be a good citizen and probably a future husband and a parent who can run his own home in a financially prudent way.
Any future daughter in law is not going to thank you for producing somebody without some of these very essential life skills so get him learning fast now girlfriends are going to start appearing on the scene!

Make sure he applies for his now jobs now, pays you board and lodging, knows hownto manage his own finances and budget , how to operate the washing machine for his own laundry and knows how to cook some basic meals from scratch.

Your son has been spoilt in many ways and whilst you may love him dearly you have probably not really done him any favours by protecting him from the realities of life.

missbiggles1

Threebabes wrote: »

Thank you for your post.

My son isnt aggressive or mean or nasty. Hes a lovely young man, quiet, respectful. My hubby and I are determined to keep our 3 the same as much as possible. As he was 1 of 3 and he was treat very differently to his siblings.

He hasnt missed a day of 6th form and hes not a quitter. Hes been set on accountancy since being 16. He works hard at school work, just lacks work ethic. We are hoping once his finances twindle it will give him the motivation to look for work.

Yet. Let's hope this doesn't change when the bank of Mum and Dad closes.

HeavyMetalFan

I think a lot of posters are making assumptions about the OP's son when she has clearly stated what type of a lad he is. A part-time job before leaving your teenage years is good life experience but if he has been concentrating on his studies then that's a longer term investment in his future.

I had a job at Marks & Spencer when I was at college, and while I was at university I had factory jobs doing around 50 hours per week. I didn't pay a penny in board - I bought all my own clothes and paid all my none essential expenses but the condition was that I could keep 50% of my money if I saved the other half for uni expenses.

Not everyone has to strike out on their own on their 16th birthday.

Threebabes

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Yet. Let's hope this doesn't change when the bank of Mum and Dad closes.

Thank you for your comment but I have to disagree. Having had him around 19 1/2 year he's always been respectful, he has never raised his voice to us or his sisters.

He is a quiet lad.

Threebabes

Primrose wrote: »

You have received a lot of common sense answers on here so I will onky add that your other duty as a parent should have been to train your son to be a good citizen and probably a future husband and a parent who can run his own home in a financially prudent way.
Any future daughter in law is not going to thank you for producing somebody without some of these very essential life skills so get him learning fast now girlfriends are going to start appearing on the scene!

Make sure he applies for his now jobs now, pays you board and lodging, knows hownto manage his own finances and budget , how to operate the washing machine for his own laundry and knows how to cook some basic meals from scratch.

Your son has been spoilt in many ways and whilst you may love him dearly you have probably not really done him any favours by protecting him from the realities of life.

Yes a very valid point. The money he does have he is careful with. Just want him to earn his own now.

Threebabes

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

For one thing, don't be so hard on yourself. As the oldest child, this is the first time you have been in this position, and these kids have a sneaky way of becoming adults seemingly overnight

All is not lost.

I think your lad has had it very easy for too long, and needs to get back to basics. By this I mean you have been paying for (what I would call) 'extreme luxuries' - holidays abroad with his mates, and mobile phones etc. It will be a shock for him when he realises he is not even going to get lunch money any more and all these things that he has taken for granted, is not going to be there

I think it may be hard for you to set the new rules and stick to it, as - let's be honest - you have been a massive soft touch.

Giving in, and giving him cash, will not be helping him move forwards into adulthood at all.

If it were me, I would stop all cash immediately and help in other ways, such as let him take sandwiches for lunches etc. It will be hard on you too.

He will soon get a job when his mobile phone is disconnected and he can't afford nights out with his pals. It will be one of the best things you could have done for him - tough love

Thank you. Husband said we are new to this. We wanted to do right by him and support him through his a-levels, he didn't seem capable of holding a job down too. We may have done him an injustice but hopefully it will be righted.

It's not just the finances we feel it will be good for him to experience a new environment, new colleagues etc, for his cv. He has attended the 6th form which is attached to his school. Think he has been in his comfort zone a long time and maybe apprehensive about stepping into the real world.

Thank you

pickledonionspaceraider

Threebabes wrote: »

Thank you for your comment but I have to disagree. Having had him around 19 1/2 year he's always been respectful, he has never raised his voice to us or his sisters.

He is a quiet lad.

He sounds a lovely lad.

I think some folk are being hard on him (considering they don't know him) but who of us, wouldn't have worked at those ages, if we thought we could have got away with it?

Cor blimey, i know i wouldn't have, and it wouldn't have occurred to me that someone had to work for it..not as a teenager, those kind of thoughts came much later in life

missbiggles1

Threebabes wrote: »

Thank you for your comment but I have to disagree. Having had him around 19 1/2 year he's always been respectful, he has never raised his voice to us or his sisters.

He is a quiet lad.

Given that I only said I hope he doesn't change, it's difficult to see how you can disagree.:)]

However, you did say right at the start that he looked horrified at the very reasonable suggestion that he pays his own mobile bill so it isn't unreasonable to suggest that you might face some problems with him when you tell him he'll be paying board, buying his own clothes etc.

In fact, I have to say that I assumed that you were expecting problems and that this was your reason for posting for advice.

Anyway, I'm sure you're right and I'm wrong, so I wish you both well.

Andypandyboy

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. As parents we paid for everything for ours until they went to University, and their rental costs whilst they were there. They didn't ask for it or expect it, we did it so that they could concentrate on their school work and get good results. Which they did. It hasn't stunted their growth, they are contributing adults with their own careers and homes now. Once they began to earn they saved and bought homes. Had they been greedy, grabbing or had expectations of us we may have behaved differently, but we knew our kids, we had confidence in how we had brought them up, they were not spoiled, they were supported.

Everyone parents differently, some may see what we did as over supporting, we didn't see it that way, and we are happy with how it turned out.

DCFC79

He needs to learn he needs to get his backside into gear if he wants to get anywhere. Stop applying for jobs for him.