19 year old son and finances

Andyvilson

[FONT=&quot]Hi![/FONT][FONT=&quot] I also have a 19-year-old son. He studies at the university, but gets a scholarship, pays his breakfast, phone bills and partying with friends. Helped your son find a job (in the evenings or weekends), otherwise you will have problems. Good luck![/FONT]

enthusiasticsaver

I would say first of all do not be too hard on yourselves. You may have been guilty of being a little over protective and over indulgent though . I work in a University and there are many parents such as yourselves ("helicopter parents") who insist on phoning up on behalf of their offspring for queries etc when really the students themselves should be doing that.


Our two daughters were both doing weekend and part time jobs from 16 as well as doing A Levels and they continued doing that through University. It is a good training ground for them both to manage their time and learn the value of money. My elder daughter used to work shifts in Little Chef at minimum wage and it taught her that she needed qualifications to get a well paid job which was worth it on its own. The only money we gave them was the child benefit and they had to pay for school trips, clothes and entertainment plus pay as you go mobiles - we would not let them have contract phones.


You will be doing your son and other children a great favour if you start instilling valuable lessons in them now, how to manage and earn their own money, the work ethic and that nothing in life comes for free. When our daughters lived at home we charged them rent, however I freely admit I saved it and gave it to them when they were buying their first homes. We still do gift money to them now they are both working full time but it is to oil the wheels for them not to support them outright. You can be supportive parents without taking away their own drive to succeed on their own merits. I hope he manages to get a job and that you gradually withdraw your financial support so he can see that this is what he needs to do to succeed.

Peter333

LannieDuck wrote: »

Lots of people are being harsh without really knowing your son. My parents paid for everything for me up until I got a holiday job during my A-levels. At that point they told me I needed to give them a (small) % of it.

I probably looked shocked / surprised just as OP's son didl! Not because it wasn't a fair thing for them to do, but just because I'd never had to give them money before, and I guess I'd expected them to support me until I left Uni because that's what parents do (my uni didn't allow us to have term time jobs). In my naive head, you go to school and then you get a job. And when you leave uni, that's when you need to start paying rent and buying food etc out of your wages.

I'm happy to say that I adjusted to the surprise, gave part of my pay cheque to my parents without complaint and didn't even really notice (I rarely spent money as a teenager). Since leaving uni, I've never, ever had to ask them for money.

OP, give your son a chance to adjust and, assuming he doesn't come back to you and start moaning about having to paying his way, all should be fine

I agree. It's like people assume that just because a young person of 18/19 has never had any responsibility for anything and not contributed financially; he is going to be useless for life, and will never ever be able to pay a bill themselves or know how to budget ...

It reminds me of a bizarre thread from the other week when some posters were suggesting that if a child does not travel 1000s of miles alone on planes and trains, at the age of 10; that they will never be able to travel anywhere, and will live with mommy forever; never knowing how to use a bus or how to wipe their own bum! :rotfl:

It's probably the same people who said that, who are saying that the OP's son will always be childish and irresponsible because she let him get away without paying for anything up to 18/19 y.o. These are the same people who say ' I travelled the world alone at 12, and was working full time at 15, (14 hours a day!) then I got married at 16, had 2 kids by 18, and owned my own house by 19. :rotfl:

OP, your son will be fine. Trust me. He just needs to adjust. It won't take long.

amistupid

Threebabes wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated.

Have a 19 year old son, who has just sat his A-levels. Mucked up Year 12 so resat it, hence him being 19.

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends. Now we feel its time for him to look for a part-time job before hopefully starting university in the autumn. I have been applying for jobs for him but he has not.

He will be going to university locally and living at home. So will have no bills to pay, he can live at home for free but we expect him to pay for his books, travel, mobile, any expenses, clothes etc. (He is 20 in November).

I mentioned first of all him paying his own mobile phone bill and he looked horrified.

I feel whilst parenting we have gone wrong somewhere and we have not taught him the value of money and as an adult he should be thinking about supporting himself.

Not sure what I am asking but hopefully advice on how to bring him into the real world gently.

Bank of mam and dad :eek:

Thank You

I'd swap him for my twenty eight year old.

geerex

He sounds like a total free loader (apparently the actual word is banned?).
Chuck him out. Nothing like a short, sharp shock to make him reassess his priorities.

Threebabes

Thanks for everyone's comments (apart from the last one, no we won't be throwing him out!).

He has had a telephone interview and hes been short listed for a job at kfc, all in a week. Still applying for any jobs that crop up. He is at Uni for 3 days this week and 2 days next week. He is going to Uni locally and will be staying at home if he gets on his chosen course.

He has also signed up to job sites and we will carry on applying for jobs.

missbiggles1

Threebabes wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's comments (apart from the last one, no we won't be throwing him out!).

He has had a telephone interview and hes been short listed for a job at kfc, all in a week. Still applying for any jobs that crop up. He is at Uni for 3 days this week and 2 days next week. He is going to Uni locally and will be staying at home if he gets on his chosen course.

He has also signed up to job sites and we will carry on applying for jobs.

That's certainly a good start and I wish him luck.

What happened when you broached the subject of the bank of mum and dad closing and paying his own way while at university or did he think that anything he earns will be on top of what he gets now?

I hope the conversation went as well as you expected.

Dird

From a younger perspective: You've left it late but now there's no urgency.

I disagree with people saying he should have worked at 15. If anything he should have worked at 10-14 then quit at 15 to focus on his GCSEs, this is what I did (car washing then paper round).

I also don't see a need to work as a summer temp. Just tell him that at university he will need to cover the fees you mentioned so he should apply for a maintenance grant & if necessary (family income too high) a maintenance loan. He could then live on that for the first year then look for a PT job in the 2nd year once he's adjusted and in preparation for a placement year CV applications (unless he plans to do some wasted degree like art or history).

Edit: Just read the last update. Good that he's looking but if it gets near to uni start time then don't keep pressuring. Also, if you haven't already, mention the maintenance grant/loan...he needs to apply a couple months before uni to get it in time for the term start.

Threebabes

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That's certainly a good start and I wish him luck.

What happened when you broached the subject of the bank of mum and dad closing and paying his own way while at university or did he think that anything he earns will be on top of what he gets now?

I hope the conversation went as well as you expected.

Yes he knows, he was ok about it. We said he was too old to be getting "pocket money".

After the whirlwind of the last few months preparing for his exams, to go to that to nothing hes at a loose end. As I mentioned he is at Uni a few days the next couple of weeks and has work to complete for that, as well as applying for jobs.

We now have a spreadsheet with all his outgoings which he will have to budget for. So he knows what is accountable for. It is in his best interests and he knows it that he works to fund his travel, books, etc etc and his mobile phone .

stormbreaker

I found this thread just yesterday, skipped through a few posts, mostly the negative ones:D, but you have done really well.

I have been fortunate that both my sons have worked from 14. It doesn't stop me helping them out and I am still paying their phone bills until the end of this contract.

My eldest has been fortunate enough to leave uni after 5yrs with no loans.

We did pay his rent and bills, but he funded his food and social life.

My youngest is in an apprenticeship and he has paid us dig money from the start. Because we spent so much on his brother, this is put away as savings for him(he does not know this). He gives us a third of his earnings, which is transferred every pay day, without asking or quibbling. This was something that both knew from teenagers, that once they were working full time, their salary should be thirds. A third to us, a third to save and a third to spend

My youngest at 20, is hoping to get on the property ladder soon after his apprenticeship is out.

All said and done, where we have failed him, is by doing everything for him, by way of housework etc. my eldest was out the house at 17 for uni and quickly found his feet. He says that we have mollycoddled our youngest and it certainly showed, when we returned from 3 weeks holiday to, two baskets of wet washing (I think he had used every t shirt, socks and pants before washing any). Not a surface had seen a cloth, mop or hoover! He had friends over and there was sticky spills everywhere! He will get a rude awakening when he does move out!