19 year old son and finances

Threebabes

Any advice would be appreciated.

Have a 19 year old son, who has just sat his A-levels. Mucked up Year 12 so resat it, hence him being 19.

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends. Now we feel its time for him to look for a part-time job before hopefully starting university in the autumn. I have been applying for jobs for him but he has not.

He will be going to university locally and living at home. So will have no bills to pay, he can live at home for free but we expect him to pay for his books, travel, mobile, any expenses, clothes etc. (He is 20 in November).

I mentioned first of all him paying his own mobile phone bill and he looked horrified.

I feel whilst parenting we have gone wrong somewhere and we have not taught him the value of money and as an adult he should be thinking about supporting himself.

Not sure what I am asking but hopefully advice on how to bring him into the real world gently.

Bank of mam and dad :eek:

Thank You

DUTR

Threebabes wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated.

Have a 19 year old son, who has just sat his A-levels. Mucked up Year 12 so resat it, hence him being 19.

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends. Now we feel its time for him to look for a part-time job before hopefully starting university in the autumn. I have been applying for jobs for him but he has not.

He will be going to university locally and living at home. So will have no bills to pay, he can live at home for free but we expect him to pay for his books, travel, mobile, any expenses, clothes etc. (He is 20 in November).

I mentioned first of all him paying his own mobile phone bill and he looked horrified.

I feel whilst parenting we have gone wrong somewhere and we have not taught him the value of money and as an adult he should be thinking about supporting himself.

Not sure what I am asking but hopefully advice on how to bring him into the real world gently.

Bank of mam and dad :eek:

Thank You

That's probably where the error was.....
I remember when I got my 1st job and my Mum then asked for keep, I was 'livid' but overall one of the best moves ever, times like when I was getting a car and some friends parents were getting cars for others, some ended up in large debt because they never learned to fend for themselves and some are post grads.

Loz01

Wow he's nearly 20 and you still pay for his lunches and nights out and expensive clothes?? Time to tell him that he's an adult now and he needs to get a job if he wants a phone and nights out!

Lokolo

Threebabes wrote: »

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends.

This should have stopped at least 2 years ago, why have you been doing it?! Of course he's not going to want to get a partime job, you have been paying for everything including going into his adulthood!

I had my first real part time job at 15, then at 17 I had 2 part time jobs whilst studying. I loved it, I was independent and used the money for car insurance. Does your son drive? If so, I assume you pay all costs and insurance?

I don't understand "We will let him live at home for free". NO. Why on earth should he live at home for free?! He can get a student loan, he can get a summer job and perhaps a small part time job at uni. He should be paying his way! He's 20 !!!!!!!

thorsoak

Oh dear - you've left it rather late to start educating him in the ways of the world.

It's going to be hard - for all of you - but you have to spell it out to him - from now on in, he will be responsible for himself - the student loan will be in his name, and the money will fall into his bank account - and that money is not a gift from a loving nation for him to spend upon himself as he likes - from now on it is necessary to KEEP himself on it!

From toiletries, toothpaste and toothbrush, to books, paper and pens - he has to pay for himself - and his own telephone bill, his own high days and holidays - now he is responsible for them all. OK - staying at home will not be as expensive as living out - but he should also be contributing to household expenses - work out a percentage of living expenses that are enjoyed by the family, divide by the number of people in the family - he should be paying a fairly high whack of whatever percentage that is.

Unless you have also been waiting on him hand foot and finger for the past 20 years, he should already be helping in the house - if not - he has to start now - his own laundry, some shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

You have fallen into the trap of thinking that you can afford to keep him whilst he is at school, but you have forgotten to educate him financially. You must start now - or you'll be financing him right through your eventual retirement!

FBaby

Ideally, the whole process should have taken years, starting with pocket money and gradually reducing your contribution whilst increasing the discussion around supporting himself and giving him budgetting advice.

Unfortunately, if you have not done the above, he is starting from fresh and it is not fair to expect him to go from never having to worry about money and being handed everything on a plate, left to believe that was the norm for your family, to suddenly being told he has to take full responsibility being made to feel that he is a scrounger.

I think if you don't want to alienate your son, you're going to have to do a lot of talking to put your perspective through, and accept that it might not all go as smoothly as you would hope.

Anatidaephobia

Sounds like you've already set a precedent by paying for everything. Sit him down and explain that now that he has left school and is an adult, this will have to change. Be clear about the types of things he will need to buy himself and stick with those boundaries - don't back down later and buy him those things anyway because he hasn't or says he doesn't have any money.

I don't think you should be applying for jobs for him either; he should do it himself. There will be a transitional period but once he goes without a few things you normally pay for, he'll soon realise he has to take some action to get those things back!

theoretica

I suggest that you work out what, if anything, you are going to pay for and how long he is able to stay living with you and go over it with him as a whole. Not phone bill this week, contribution to food if he has friends round next week. Is he on your car insurance and who pays for that? Will you expect more keep from him over the vacations and if he is not actively and visibly studying. He has messed up his grades once - is your supporting him at university conditional on a certain amount of effort or grade success? What about when he has graduated?

He needs forward information to forward plan.

heuchera

Threebabes wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated.

Have a 19 year old son, who has just sat his A-levels. Mucked up Year 12 so resat it, hence him being 19.

He has never worked, we have paid for his phone, lunches, nights out, clothing, 2 holidays abroad with his friends. Now we feel its time for him to look for a part-time job before hopefully starting university in the autumn. I have been applying for jobs for him but he has not.

He will be going to university locally and living at home. So will have no bills to pay, he can live at home for free but we expect him to pay for his books, travel, mobile, any expenses, clothes etc. (He is 20 in November).

Are you going to go to the interview for him, too (only joking )

I would make a rule. Anything he NEEDS you will pay for, but if it's something he just WANTS, he has to get a job and pay for it himself. Does that sound fair?

rachy182

I would start by getting him a part time job and then saying hes got to start paying for himself. Days out, clothes and holidays he will have to pay for out of his wages. To give him some adjustment room maybe tell him when his phone contract is up he will have to put it in his name and pay from his account, it gives him a chance to choose a phone to his budget and not yours. If he wants you to pay for anything it will either be as a present such as birthday or christmas. Even if you dont ask for board start doing this. When i was studying i was allowed to stay at home rent free however i was expected to pay for all my own expenses such as phone, clothes, holidays, electronics, car and special foods. My parents sometimes paid towards stuff like car repairs but it was always as a present and never got anything else.

I imagine now hes leaving full time education you will be losing certain benefits so you can no longer afford to pay for all his expenses. When he starts uni he will be getting loans and grants which will be a couple of grand that he can use to fund himself. Tell him that he needs a job not just for money but to gain experience because no one will want to hire him if hes never worked before.

heuchera

jaylee3 wrote: »

I even know one woman who has 2 grown daughters living at home (23 and 26) who have never left and didn't go to university...and they pay her £30 a week each! :eek:

What an insult and what a disgrace. They both bring home £250 a week! The hilarious thing is that they frequently borrow money off her and get her to get prescriptions for them etc, and never pay her back.. What a mug! No wonder these girls refuse to leave home. This woman is always broke; shockingly!!!

If I were them and living so cheaply I would be saving about £500 per month so that I could get a mortgage in a few years time. They don't know how lucky they are not to have to pay rent to a landlord!