19 year old son and finances

Threebabes

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. As parents we paid for everything for ours until they went to University, and their rental costs whilst they were there. They didn't ask for it or expect it, we did it so that they could concentrate on their school work and get good results. Which they did. It hasn't stunted their growth, they are contributing adults with their own careers and homes now. Once they began to earn they saved and bought homes. Had they been greedy, grabbing or had expectations of us we may have behaved differently, but we knew our kids, we had confidence in how we had brought them up, they were not spoiled, they were supported.

Everyone parents differently, some may see what we did as over supporting, we didn't see it that way, and we are happy with how it turned out.

Thank you for your post.

Yes it was support. We want him to do well. My husband did his degree whilst holding down a full time job and my son was a baby. He found it hard and tiring wanting to support our 3 while studying.

He isn't spoiled. He really never asks for anything. He has never asked for money.

Threebabes

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Given that I only said I hope he doesn't change, it's difficult to see how you can disagree.:)]

However, you did say right at the start that he looked horrified at the very reasonable suggestion that he pays his own mobile bill so it isn't unreasonable to suggest that you might face some problems with him when you tell him he'll be paying board, buying his own clothes etc.

In fact, I have to say that I assumed that you were expecting problems and that this was your reason for posting for advice.

Anyway, I'm sure you're right and I'm wrong, so I wish you both well.

Horrified/shocked/surprised but not angry/threatening/aggressive.

I'm not sure why I was posting, advice on how to approach this situation perhaps.

I thank everyone for contributing and taken away some helpful advice. I appreciate everyone's different views it has been interesting reading. Hopefully with no. 2 we will do things differently. At 15 she wants to work whilst doing her a-levels. Though I'm sure we will support her as best as possible.

Thank you

theoretica

I am sure I have looked horrified at any number of things which I knew at the time or on later reflection were perfectly reasonable.

Savvy_Sue

Threebabes wrote: »

Im hoping we won't make as much of a mess with no2 and no3. Though no2 is 15 and wants to get a job when she leaves school alongside her studies.

My suggestion would be that when she goes into sixth form, rather than you paying for everything, you give her an allowance to cover travel to and from school, lunches, and whatever else you think is reasonable. But you put this into a bank account for her - there are several which let you have a debit card from the age of 11 - and then SHE is responsible for withdrawing cash when she needs it, and spending within her means.

I did this with my 3. DS1 used the bus to get to and from school, I did NOT want him asking for £20 cash on a Sunday night because he needed a weekly bus ticket on Monday morning! I made sure he knew where the cashpoints were on his regular routes. Job done.

DS2 walked to and from school, so saved most of his money.

DS3 bought a bike - we paid up front, and reduced his allowance until it was paid off. But then he was able to save some of his allowance too.

Gigglepig wrote: »

Is he just as clueless about practical stuff? If he is going to live at home have you agreed what cleaning, cooking, gardening, taking out bins, etc he will do (communal stuff - on top of his own room/laundry)

Laundry was another thing: from 16 they each did their own. My reasoning was that that way they learned not only HOW to use a washing machine, but WHEN, ie before you run out of clean pants.

If they wanted to do washing before they had a full load, they were instructed to check how much washing I had in my heap!

They could all cook and wash up by that age too. And before they left for Uni they all had at least one trip round the supermarket being taught how to check prices.

Threebabes wrote: »

From leaving school at 16 he has been determined to go to University to do Accountancy (of all things!).

<snip>

Despite him having no clue about finances.

Reminds me of DS3, he had a yearning for accountancy at one stage, he said he thought he would be good at it, because "I am good at gambling"! :eek::eek::eek:

DS1 left Uni without a job, and checked it was OK to come home, I said it was but asked how much keep he'd be paying. I said if I didn't charge him, I'd never get a penny out of DS3 ...

DS3 went to the local Uni. He didn't want to live at home, but didn't get accommodation immediately. I asked for keep, and got some until he was offered a place in halls. But I explained to him that although his loan was less than if he'd been 'away', it wasn't all just 'free' spending money, and he needed to learn to budget it!

BTW, the best job in the world for a student IMO is the local cinema, especially if it's a small indie one rather than one of the big chains. Do get him to ask there, if you have one, or your local theatre.

Savvy_Sue

BTW, I do think you need to sit him down and talk through things, it doesn't seem fair to just stop everything just like that.

FBaby

I don't think the issue is that he hasn't worked yet, more than you have freely given him anything he has wanted so far, so taking it all for granted.

I didn't get my first job until I had finished my A levels, yet I had no problems adjusting to working and then supporting myself. However, my parents had got me used to do 'without' and earn the things they got me as rewards, rather than assuming that they owed me everything. I looked forward to working because I wanted to become autonomous, decide how and when I spent my money etc...

This thread already shows that you are very protective of your son. You say that he never asks for anything, but it sounds like he doesn't need to since you offer him before he gets to. Maybe he will adjust just fine as part of normal life, having observe you/his dad working hard to provide for him, or it might be that once you stop giving him what he needs/want, he will start to be a bit less pleasant.

Just take it as it comes, but my advice would still be to remain strong, because it is very easy to make parents like you feel guilty and come up with excuses as to why they can't really become indepedent.

LannieDuck

Lots of people are being harsh without really knowing your son. My parents paid for everything for me up until I got a holiday job during my A-levels. At that point they told me I needed to give them a (small) % of it.

I probably looked shocked / surprised just as OP's son didl! Not because it wasn't a fair thing for them to do, but just because I'd never had to give them money before, and I guess I'd expected them to support me until I left Uni because that's what parents do (my uni didn't allow us to have term time jobs). In my naive head, you go to school and then you get a job. And when you leave uni, that's when you need to start paying rent and buying food etc out of your wages.

I'm happy to say that I adjusted to the surprise, gave part of my pay cheque to my parents without complaint and didn't even really notice (I rarely spent money as a teenager). Since leaving uni, I've never, ever had to ask them for money.

OP, give your son a chance to adjust and, assuming he doesn't come back to you and start moaning about having to paying his way, all should be fine

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think the issue is that he hasn't worked yet, more than you have freely given him anything he has wanted so far, so taking it all for granted.

I didn't get my first job until I had finished my A levels, yet I had no problems adjusting to working and then supporting myself. However, my parents had got me used to do 'without' and earn the things they got me as rewards, rather than assuming that they owed me everything. I looked forward to working because I wanted to become autonomous, decide how and when I spent my money etc...

This thread already shows that you are very protective of your son. You say that he never asks for anything, but it sounds like he doesn't need to since you offer him before he gets to. Maybe he will adjust just fine as part of normal life, having observe you/his dad working hard to provide for him, or it might be that once you stop giving him what he needs/want, he will start to be a bit less pleasant.

Just take it as it comes, but my advice would still be to remain strong, because it is very easy to make parents like you feel guilty and come up with excuses as to why they can't really become indepedent.

Those two points are so much what I was trying to say.

consultant31

Threebabes wrote: »

Hello

Its hard, someone mentioned earlier about not giving in to him when he asks for money. He never asks for anything, he would never ask for money, we have just been giving him it. He joined the gym, we offered to pay for it until he finished A-levels. I ask does he need jeans, he says no. Hes not greedy, just a bit stupid when it comes to finances due to his stupid parents. :mad:

It IS hard, being a parent (especially for the first born), and I don't think you should call yourselves 'stupid' for being a little over-protective. I know we were with our first child, in fact, with all three of them.

We kept our son, paid for his digs, bought all his necessities etc while he was at uni. If he came home at all, he would bring piles of dirty laundry which I washed for him and he'd go back with a couple of bags of various food items. We wanted him to spend his free time studying, not working and when he came home for the holidays, he would cut the lawns or paint the gates or whatever needed doing around the place to earn money for the odds and sods he wanted. He got a very good degree at the end of it all.

He's 35 now and has a very good job, he's married and they have wonderful holidays and a penthouse apartment in the middle of a big city. In other words, he may have appeared spoiled rotten to anyone looking in 15 or so years ago, but he still managed to make a good job of maturing and taking on the role of responsible adult.

It would certainly be kinder to teach him the basics now though, once he's at uni, it will be a very steep learning curve otherwise.

Lunar_Eclipse

LannieDuck wrote: »

Lots of people are being harsh without really knowing your son. My parents paid for everything for me up until I got a holiday job during my A-levels.

I feel the same. I also don't think this is a big deal and has no bearing on how he fairs with budgets and (financial) independence. I think it is something that can be adjusted to overnight quite easily.

I had a paper round as a teenager and then a Saturday job through sixth form, but I was fully financed through university by my parents, fairly generously (working through the main holidays to top up spending money - we all agreed it wasn't reasonable for them to finance multiple drinking evenings every week!)

I can still recall Mum sitting me down to go through a proposed budget and from the start, I received money termly and paid for everything (private rent etc) from that. She made it clear it was to last the term, and it absolutely did last the term. I was generally good about sticking to my weekly budget.

I also had a very rapid - everything in a day - lesson on cooking, supermarket shopping, laundry etc. Whilst not ideal, with 2 teenagers myself I can see how it suddenly creeps up on you. We currently fully fund our two, though we lead a fairly basic life (very sports heavy) and they're not out partying or shopping regularly. I think I'm a rare parent with 2 teenage girls who both hate shopping.

I think there's been brilliant advice about how to develop things OP, so I wish you good luck. And I also wouldn't be expecting your son's behaviour to change; he'll probably see you being quite reasonable.