Guys - why did you really leave?

Hard_Up_Hester

I left my husband after 25 years of marriage, he was stunned & devastated & convinced I'd run off with another man.
Throughout our marriage he gradually became meaner and nastier.
He retired at 40 as he decided he'd done his share of working & now it was my turn.
He controlled all the family finances, he decided how my salary would be spent, he scrutinised every supermarket receipt incase I'd bought a pair of tights or makeup without permission.
He became addicted to internet !!!!!! & constantly compared me to the women in the films & complained about my age, looks, height, weight etc
We have 4 children, one week after the last one left home, I left too, as /i said, he was stunned & devastated, he repeatedly asked our children why I'd left, they explained that I'd been unhappy, they also explained that I had told him repeatedly that I was unhappy.
His response was 'Well I just though she was moaning & all women moan'!

Joanthebone

It takes one partner to make the move, even though, I believe that a lot of the time both are unhappy... I was the one to leave. My husband fought me all the way, with tears, violence and threats of suicide.. when I did finally get out he suddenly changed. He started going out and having a social life (something he would not do with me) and is still having a really good time! All I wanted was a bit of a life not just working/cleaning/sitting in front of the telly while he drank whisky.


I didn't leave him for another man, I left for my own sanity!

catkins

zagfles wrote: »

Well...doesn't apply to me but I know some men who I'm convinced have left their young families because they simply weren't ready for becoming a father, and the massive change in life that brings. They either don't think about or understand the consequences of having children, or were nagged into it by their wife/partner and gave in. Rather than making a positive decision themselves.

Was just saying in another thread about an ex neighbour who showed no interest in kids at all, but did have one, and shortly after left the country and no-one seems to know where he is!

I think quite a few men don't really have strong feelings about whether they want children or not. They end up having them because their partner wants them or even just because it is "the thing to do". Then quite often, especially if the man is quite young, he finds it is not all fun and games with a child. It can be hard work, there is often less money, less sex, less sleep. Some women become slightly obsessed with their children and so he gets less attention etc.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

That would be my guess in a lot of circumstances - ie there hadn't been a mutual decision to go in for parenthood. The woman had just decided on her own that they were both going to be parents and the man didn't really get a say in it.

That's part of the reason why I don't really understand why it sometimes isn't a mutual decision - as surely the woman would want to know her partner had chosen to be a parent too (ie in order to lessen the chances of him walking out...as he would be walking out on children he had chosen to have too).

Yes, I agree with this post.

pickledonionspaceraider

When the sex goes, it is not 'just' about the sex

One mistake I think that can cause relationship issues is some men making the fatal error of mistaking their wife for their mother. Assuming that she is happy to accept full responsibility for all household chores whilst the husband never learning to switch the washing machine on

Then men then wonder why the woman is not seducing him any more. This is because you have placed her in the ''mother'' role - and is not - to any woman - a sexy place to be.

If you force your wife into the ''mother'' role then you automatically slide in to the ''cared for'' role and have moved well away from 'sexy partner' zone - all because you didn't pull your weight with the housework.

Sounds far fetched? Try feeling taken advantage of for several years and see if you still feel sexy.

I know several women who have eventually ended long term relationships/marriages because of being forced into being a carer for their husbands and everything else that then brings to the table, resentment, and not actually feeling like a valued partner, but a skivvy

justme111

gonzo127 wrote: »

well i dont think i will ever find out why she stopped wanting any form of intimacy with me, except for the miscarriage which did seem to be the turning point.

However i have brought it up many times, and even during the counselling sessions but she never opened up about it, just different excuses such as, its more difficult with a baby in the house, i was tired, its hard with teenagers in the house, i didn't want to go to bed then, i have too many jobs to do.

so i guess it is just going to be one of those things i will just have to accept, that i will never know the real reason

However unpleasant it is to hear it may well be sex was mot good for her. If someone does not get pleasure oit of something one does not want it -simple.Many men specially young ones are not good at it. Very sensitive subject so she did not bring it up and she herself might been unsure of how it was supposed to be

pickledonionspaceraider

Perhaps, but I thought we were just sharing experiences, not judging.

For women, the sex 'stopping' is often - NOT actually about the act of sex. Often it is about something entirely different

fierystormcloud

:beer:

justme111 wrote: »

However unpleasant it is to hear it may well be sex was mot good for her. If someone does not get pleasure out of something one does not want it -simple. Many men specially young ones are not good at it. Very sensitive subject so she did not bring it up and she herself might been unsure of how it was supposed to be

:eek: Sweeping generalisation much?!

Where are you getting these facts from? Or is this based on your own experiences?!

Gotta laugh also at the sweeping generalisation that women 'nag' men into having a baby. And THAT is why they leave when the kids come along. Never heard such rubbish.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

When the sex goes, it is not 'just' about the sex

One mistake I think that can cause relationship issues is some men making the fatal error of mistaking their wife for their mother. Assuming that she is happy to accept full responsibility for all household chores whilst the husband never learning to switch the washing machine on

Then men then wonder why the woman is not seducing him any more. This is because you have placed her in the ''mother'' role - and is not - to any woman - a sexy place to be.

If you force your wife into the ''mother'' role then you automatically slide in to the ''cared for'' role and have moved well away from 'sexy partner' zone - all because you didn't pull your weight with the housework.

Sounds far fetched? Try feeling taken advantage of for several years and see if you still feel sexy.

I know several women who have eventually ended long term relationships/marriages because of being forced into being a carer for their husbands and everything else that then brings to the table, resentment, and not actually feeling like a valued partner, but a skivvy

Good post.

FBaby

If you force your wife into the ''mother'' role then you automatically slide in to the ''cared for'' role and have moved well away from 'sexy partner' zone - all because you didn't pull your weight with the housework.

I agree with the concept of wife becoming mother, but not that men force women into that role. I think if anything, it is the wife who is most likely to start acting like a mum and enjoying the caring and giving, this becoming even more so after indeed becoming a mum and I think most men just go with it initially thinking that it is quite nice to be looked and served, except that suddenly, when there is a kid to give all that giving and caring, the wife often isn't so happy to continue to do with the man and the man is too slow to comprehend why this has changed, let alone wanting it!

pickledonionspaceraider

I know what you mean FBaby - I don't mean force as in physically force them to do it - but as in just sit back and leave it up to the female.

The kind of guy who will merrily walk past an overflowing washing basket / bin and not even consider it their place to empty it

When you know the house is going to turn into a pigsty unless you yourself do it as the other person seems to take it for granted that you will deal with it. Even though you both work full time.

I would not enjoy caring and giving in this sense, I would see it as being taken advantage of, personally - but I do see that some women are the nurturing type who like to look after people in that sense

We can all only speak from our own experiences and of those around us, and as always is interesting to read others perspectives that they may enjoy something that would irritate the heck out of me

justme111

fierystormcloud wrote: »

:beer:

:eek: Sweeping generalisation much?!

Where are you getting these facts from? Or is this based on your own experiences?!

Gotta laugh also at the sweeping generalisation that women 'nag' men into having a baby. And THAT is why they leave when the kids come along. Never heard such rubbish.



Good post.

"Winter is colder than summer " . "Those are mainly men who like football , not women ". Women are more likely to talk about children and partners and neigthnours with their friends than men are ". "Men mostly urinate standing while women sitting ".All sweeping generalisations. Does not stop them being truth .