Guys - why did you really leave?

FBaby

Gonzo, I think you have describe perfectly what happens in most couples who end up separating despite being committed to their relationship/marriage.

Change sex and add whatever else, the process is the same. Something changes, efforts are first made to understand the needs behind the change, to be patient and understanding, but besides this, things don't change. Gradually, without any kind of immediate reward or hope that there will in the future, the person loses the energy to put the efforts in. Frustration and unhappiness sets in, often unnoticed behind the needs and buzz of every day life, until it build up the point that it turns into resentment.

By then, it is often too late. Not always, sometimes it creates a big blow and that is the kick to finally reconsider the relationship and starts again, but in most cases, the energy to do so is gone, no trust and hope that more efforts will lead to anything, and separation is the only way forward.

Communicating when what you have to bring up will require self-reflection, negotiating and compromising is hard and exhausting. With most families caught in a demanding lifestyle, avoiding it until crisis time is often the easiest route. Unfortunately, once resentment is set up along with not knowing how to even start communicating properly means that it is usually to late at that stage.

amistupid

I had affair, it's by far the worst thing I've ever done.

After we separated, for a few months I lived in digs. On my bedside table I had a very small photo of me and my two boys sat together on a rocky outcrop in the Lake District. Every night I used to look at it and think what a wicked fool I'd been and what awful harm I'd caused.

I wrote a poem about it.



There are many reasons why men have affairs but they all have one thing in common, at the time they have must have complete disrespect of their partners.

Affairs are usually sleazy ego boosters that for innocent partners can cause a life time of misery. If a relationship causes you to look elsewhere, you should at least have the decency to finish it before starting another.

I was a scumbag and still regret it everyday.

mustang121

My brother-in-law cheated on his wife (didn't even last a year) apparently because he found marriage life boring!?


I cannot ever imagine myself cheating on my fianc!e, I just couldn't and don't want to hurt her....ever.


I don't think its gender specific, more down to couples becoming obsessed with work, overtime, money and generally not spending enough time with each other and their children.

harrys_nan

amistupid, that was a very (to me), heart warming post.
I think that took guts to post that, It would be nice if somehow you could tell your ex that or your boys. take care xx

amistupid

harrys_nan wrote: »

amistupid, that was a very (to me), heart warming post.
I think that took guts to post that, It would be nice if somehow you could tell your ex that or your boys. take care xx

I have profoundly apologised to them.

At first I wondered if my ex and the boys would ever recover; fortunately they did, she met up with her first ever boyfriend who'd never got married. She moved back to her home town, they married and are very happy together. We're all on good speaking terms.

I later met my current partner and we've been together seventeen years.

My kids are both grown up and seem relatively unscathed, they both adore my OH and their mum's too, they also get on very well with my two stepchildren.

Despite this outcome, I know what suffering I put my ex wife and children through and will never forgive myself for it.

burlington6

Quite a few of my daughters friends are newly divorced/single

They marry too young. Put all their effort into ''outdoing'' their friends in the wedding competition. When that's out of the way they have children and sooner or later they realised it was all based on getting together with the wrong person.

A few have ended up with older, and usually uglier, men but the big difference is the foundations are far more stable

Fireflyaway

Thanks everyone for your honest feedback. I know that both men and women cheat / move out / get bored etc but all the cases I know personally have been the men leaving. Having said that I totally realise it could be the fault of both parties that cause the break up or could just be the woman at the end of the day. I can see it might be easier for the man to leave and set up alone if they have more income and don't have to care for the kids so maybe that's why it usually seems to be the guys leaving.
I can also really see how having kids can change the dynamics. Having kids is great but it gets in the way of a sex life and things are just different as a family rather than a couple.
amistupid - that poem was amazing. Thanks for sharing.
I guess maybe hearing what I heard about what happened to the friend of a friend made me a bit nervous! Like many of you said, it seemed sudden to us but they could have been having issues for ages. We don't know what goes on in private.

gonzo127

FBaby wrote: »

Gonzo, I think you have describe perfectly what happens in most couples who end up separating despite being committed to their relationship/marriage.

Change sex and add whatever else, the process is the same. Something changes, efforts are first made to understand the needs behind the change, to be patient and understanding, but besides this, things don't change. Gradually, without any kind of immediate reward or hope that there will in the future, the person loses the energy to put the efforts in. Frustration and unhappiness sets in, often unnoticed behind the needs and buzz of every day life, until it build up the point that it turns into resentment.

By then, it is often too late. Not always, sometimes it creates a big blow and that is the kick to finally reconsider the relationship and starts again, but in most cases, the energy to do so is gone, no trust and hope that more efforts will lead to anything, and separation is the only way forward.

Communicating when what you have to bring up will require self-reflection, negotiating and compromising is hard and exhausting. With most families caught in a demanding lifestyle, avoiding it until crisis time is often the easiest route. Unfortunately, once resentment is set up along with not knowing how to even start communicating properly means that it is usually to late at that stage.

the highlighted bit i think rings most true for me, as after everything we spoke about and how much it hurt both of us to admit and hear what we had been lacking from each other, and after months and months of going over things, her response was the same as it had been for the entire marriage,

so i just lost all hope that it would change, which put me in the position of accepting i would spend the rest of my life in a marriage that as far as i was concerned was sexless, or leave and hope that the future brings us what we both need and want.

the next bit also grates as i know i tried to communicate my unhappiness about the intimacy side of things so many times, but it just got brushed aside as if it wasnt important, hence me just stopping trying

unfortunately as far as most people i/we know is concerned i am the evil one who has just walked out of his family, because i do not want to openly say the details of why i have left, whereas i know she has told people its because i just wanted sex etc, so i have become the atypical guy who has left his wife because he wasnt getting it, and just thinks with his privates etc etc

jaylee3

amistupid wrote: »

I had affair, it's by far the worst thing I've ever done.

After we separated, for a few months I lived in digs. On my bedside table I had a very small photo of me and my two boys sat together on a rocky outcrop in the Lake District. Every night I used to look at it and think what a wicked fool I'd been and what awful harm I'd caused.

There are many reasons why men have affairs but they all have one thing in common, at the time they have must have complete disrespect of their partners.

Affairs are usually sleazy ego boosters that for innocent partners can cause a life time of misery. If a relationship causes you to look elsewhere, you should at least have the decency to finish it before starting another.

I was a scumbag and still regret it everyday.

:T Brilliant post. Well done you. I am sorry that your relationship fell apart, and sorry for your wife and boys, but that IS a heartwarming post.

SanguineSteve wrote: »

I left my last relationship because i didn't want to be in a relationship anymore - with anyone.

There were other contributory factors - We had been together from late teens into our mid-20's (obviously a period of massive change in our lives) and she had ceased to be the rebellious, strong minded, care free girl I fell in love with, instead becoming (to my eyes, anyway) an anxious, generic clone, desperately trying to 'keep up with the Jones's (her peer group). I simply fell out of love with her.

The ex was (and still is, i think) convinced that I was 'getting some' from elsewhere, but that wasn't the case. She was a riot in the sack, and shallowly, that is what i miss the most. Nothing since has even come close in that department... But, I would never tell her that.

She's married to a dreadfully dull architect now, and seems happy as a pig in...mud. So, good on her.

I genuinely feel for your ex, and have to say that you did her a huge favour leaving her.

'She is married to a dreadfully dull architect now.' You sound rather bitter and wounded. Sounds like you do regret losing her or you would not make such b1tchy remarks.

Also, there must have been a reason why she went from a rebellious, feisty, strong minded girl to an 'anxious generic clone.' People don't totally change personality for no reason. Shame you couldn't have tried to understand the way she changed and if something was wrong.

I am sure she is much happier now.

sammyjammy

SanguineSteve wrote: »

I left my last relationship because i didn't want to be in a relationship anymore - with anyone.

There were other contributory factors - We had been together from late teens into our mid-20's (obviously a period of massive change in our lives) and she had ceased to be the rebellious, strong minded, care free girl I fell in love with, instead becoming (to my eyes, anyway) an anxious, generic clone, desperately trying to 'keep up with the Jones's (her peer group). I simply fell out of love with her.

The ex was (and still is, i think) convinced that I was 'getting some' from elsewhere, but that wasn't the case. She was a riot in the sack, and shallowly, that is what i miss the most. Nothing since has even come close in that department... But, I would never tell her that.

She's married to a dreadfully dull architect now, and seems happy as a pig in...mud. So, good on her.

Anyway, going full circle, I left because i couldn't be in A relationship anymore and needed my own space/time. Fast forward 10 years and I still cannot tolerate a relationship, despite the odd attempt. So, i guess that validates my decision but also confirms that I am a self-centered hermit.

Cheers!

You sound like my kind of man:o:D