Guys - why did you really leave?

FBaby

The bit I highlighted I think is key, he has probably been planning for months and has processed it all himself, then announced he is off and it all comes across as sudden, hence the added anxiety when the other person moves on quickly

I agree with this. The main factor leading to separation is the lack of trust, and often that is the lack of trust that the person will deal with any issues that have arisen.

In many cases, 'issues' have become so much part of their relationship that they become intricated and accepted by the person who is expected to 'sort out' the issue.

So when the other party has enough of these issues not being resolved and decides to go, it seems to be 'out of the blue' to them, but actually has been something brewing from the moment the first issue became unresolved for the other party.

Guest101

FBaby wrote: »

I think you are spending too much time on here Guest, not everyone who separate claim tax credits and the rest and many of these only discover that the State will indeed pick up the tab much after the separation has taken place.

From my perspective, I very much doubt that 'the State will pick up the tab' is rarely part of the decision to separate, more something that is considered as an outcome of it.

First of all I respect your right to have an opinion - though we clearly disagree on the content.

I think it's something you either see all the time (and this is through work, not just my personal life before that gets brought into it again), or you dont and think its over exagerated. - in reality its somewhere in between, it happens more often than it should, but less than portrayed in the Daily Mail.

It would be wrong to (in my opnion) dismiss what i say, as just an outcome. People would not split up so easily if there was more at stake. (whether you think that's right or wrong is your opinion)

As for spending too much time on here, not sure which way to take that, so ill be positive and assume you mean im reading to many bad luck stories.

DKLS

Guest101 wrote: »

It would be wrong to (in my opnion) dismiss what i say, as just an outcome. People would not split up so easily if there was more at stake. (whether you think that's right or wrong is your opinion)

I think there is more at stake when people split, but they don't necessarily realise that at the time.Especially when the realisation kicks in that neither party is likely to maintain the same lifestyle again. In my case it was easier as there was no children involved other than a step child and we could walk away from each other without having continuing contact over a child.

Stevie_Palimo

I have walked out and also been walked out on and neither were easy on us at the time but I think you know personally when it is time to call it a day, Life is far to short to sit and dwell on things and being unhappy together does neither partner any good so if it cannot be fixed then basically going your separate ways is the only thing to do.

David301

In my experience I have never had a friend walk out on his or her partner, well they might have by now, but generally i have known both male and female friends who have been having sex with with someone behind their partners back. Generally I have ended these friendships because I feel really guilty being in the partners company knowing what I know.

A few examples

In 6th form my best friend (male) was dating my good friend, then he started messing around with another girl behind her back. I would hear all the details and then feel like a complete sh*t when I was spending time with my good friend. Being naive back then I eventually told her and ended up losing them both as friends, mainly due to him being a weasel and saying I was making it all up because I fancied her blah blah etc. They broke up in the end because someone else saw his shenanigans and told her. I got an apology a year or so later but there was no friendship to be had by then.

A friend of mine (male again) from work was carrying on behind his wifes back with a few female customers, he had the gift of the gab and he knew exactly how to speak to women to "woo" them, had a second mobile for them and often would have to "work" late kind of guy. We used to meet up to have family meals etc and once he entrusted me with his secrets, I again felt very uncomfortable around his wife. I didnt tell her due to learning my mistakes in the passed and just let the friendship fizzle out. I think they are still together but have no contact and no longer work together.

A female friend of mine strung a lad out for a long time because she wanted to be with someone else who wouldnt commit to her. She was sleeping with both but kept saying she loved this other guy and would get very emptional about it. He would just use her for sex when he felt like it and when he wasn't around she would be back with stable and supportive guy number 1. I felt really sorry for him, but never had any social dealings with him so was able to just ignore what she was up to as generally she was a nice person. In the end she fell pregnant through an accident with guy number 1 and now they are playing happy families. Again I have let this friendship fizzle out because I cant be dealing with keeping a secret like that.

A woman that my wife knows seerms to go with any man that shows an interest, but from what I gather it is because her "husband is a b@stard" so that must make it ok?!

I for one just want an easy life and have no interest in cheating. My wife and I have broke up and got back together and I am very happy with her. Life has its ups and down but some people are hell bent on making it more complicated than it needs to be.

SanguineSteve

I left my last relationship because i didn't want to be in a relationship anymore - with anyone.

There were other contributory factors - We had been together from late teens into our mid-20's (obviously a period of massive change in our lives) and she had ceased to be the rebellious, strong minded, care free girl I fell in love with, instead becoming (to my eyes, anyway) an anxious, generic clone, desperately trying to 'keep up with the Jones's (her peer group). I simply fell out of love with her.

The ex was (and still is, i think) convinced that I was 'getting some' from elsewhere, but that wasn't the case. She was a riot in the sack, and shallowly, that is what i miss the most. Nothing since has even come close in that department... But, I would never tell her that.

She's married to a dreadfully dull architect now, and seems happy as a pig in...mud. So, good on her.

Anyway, going full circle, I left because i couldn't be in A relationship anymore and needed my own space/time. Fast forward 10 years and I still cannot tolerate a relationship, despite the odd attempt. So, i guess that validates my decision but also confirms that I am a self-centered hermit.

Cheers!

Obvious_AE

deleted...

moneyistooshorttomention

zagfles wrote: »

Well...doesn't apply to me but I know some men who I'm convinced have left their young families because they simply weren't ready for becoming a father, and the massive change in life that brings. They either don't think about or understand the consequences of having children, or were nagged into it by their wife/partner and gave in. Rather than making a positive decision themselves.

Was just saying in another thread about an ex neighbour who showed no interest in kids at all, but did have one, and shortly after left the country and no-one seems to know where he is!You've picked the wrong board for that :rotfl:

That would be my guess in a lot of circumstances - ie there hadn't been a mutual decision to go in for parenthood. The woman had just decided on her own that they were both going to be parents and the man didn't really get a say in it.

That's part of the reason why I don't really understand why it sometimes isn't a mutual decision - as surely the woman would want to know her partner had chosen to be a parent too (ie in order to lessen the chances of him walking out...as he would be walking out on children he had chosen to have too).

gonzo127

well here goes, bit of a long one as well (sorry)

I have recently left my wife (moved out just over a month ago) it was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, especially as I don’t get to see my daughter every day. We did go to counselling for quite a while to try and resolve our problems, but as far as I was concerned nothing changed in the marriage, except create more resentment between us to the point that we sometimes just couldn’t speak to each other – which was a major failing because the counselling was supposed to get us talking, but it had the opposite effect as the things I raised she didn’t agree with, and her position was always counter to mine. Anyways the reasons

The main cause is a lot to do with sex, although not entirely, as there has been problems with money, the way we want to raise the kids (she had two from a previous marriage), my working pattern as since I got a promotion I have had to work longer hours, plans for the future, not actually having any mutual friends etc however the main story goes –

Very soon within our marriage my wife fell pregnant, but unfortunately had a horrendous miscarriage to the point in which I was pretty much not allowed to touch her for about 4 months. Well after we got over this and was finally able to make love again, and she fell pregnant again (on our first try) and because she was so afraid of losing this baby, that was it for intimacy for the entire pregnancy, I understood this so wasn’t a problem.

However after our daughter was born, things turned hectic as can be expected and so we still had no contact in that way – no touching, caressing etc just in case I got the wrong idea (her basic words within counselling) this carried on for roughly 18 months – yes I did try and woo her and make time for us, but just had no effect. But I did also understand that with a new baby in the house that it wouldn’t be as often as it used to be

This being said we did end up being able to make love again, however this was still a rarity, we are talking about only 2-3 times a year. I raised it many times and in many different ways, that I wasn’t happy with this level of intimacy, but nothing changed, and it became a bit of a standard response that ‘sex isn’t everything’ with my counter argument being that ‘it should at least be something’.

Unfortunately this started to turn to resentment for me, as no matter what I tried (weekends away with just us, nice meals etc) there was just no possibility of intimacy in the marriage, UNLESS she wanted some. I started to feel unwanted, unloved etc, just generally having my self esteem plummet, because, if the person who I love, and who says they love me, doesn’t want me, then what hope do I have, what is wrong with me, am I really that useless etc

This went on for 8 years (including the first couple of years already above with the pregnancy problems with us only being intimate 2-3 times a year) before my wife said something to me which got me thinking, basically she just said that she was lonely as we had just stopped talking to each other and doing things together, when I started thinking about it I realised I had just stopped trying, and had distanced myself from things because of the hurt I had felt, as it was easier to not try and not get hurt.

This revelation caused me to speak to her and let her know my problems, and so we started counselling, unfortunately she still didn’t see sex as important, and she didn’t want it because I didn’t show her any affection any longer.

so I started to go out of my way to show her affection, even sitting on the sofa with her to watch programs on the TV I actually really didn’t like at all, and would go as far as say I hated some of them, I did this for many months, and she kept saying in the counselling sessions that it was so much nicer, but there was still no change in the intimacy stakes, still no touching caressing or anything.

When I raised this at counselling again, her position was the same as always, sex isn’t everything. At this point I just realised that there really wasn’t any possibility of us finding a compromise that would suite us both, and I just couldn’t imagine the rest of my life being in a sexless marriage even more so as I am only 32 – and it was sexless as far as I was concerned, she doesn’t see it as a sexless marriage as we did have sex every now and then, but then this seemed to the crux of the issue

well it then took me a good few months to work through the courage to move out, even though I had told her it was over as soon as I realised that we would never be able to find a middle ground, but even with me having told her this, she didn’t want to change or try, so I then started to look at houses to rent, and as soon as she found out I was looking at them, she pretty much kicked me out.

So here I am now, surprisingly happy in my new house, other than missing my daughter more than i describe, but I have started to see my friends again, and am looking at going out a bit and meeting some more, especially as all ‘our’ friends now think I am a total !!!!!!! because from what I can tell she has only told them that I have left because all I want is sex

InsideInsurance

Sam_Fallow wrote: »

How long was it before she noticed you'd gone?

Well I went away for a month just before finally breaking it off and when I came back she was sat in the identical position and the same dressing gown but surrounded by a wall of a couple of empty crates of cans of coke, empty cartons of cigarettes and Twirl chocolate boxes. If there had been a bucket full of waste I'd have been certain she hadnt left the screen in the whole time.