Guys - why did you really leave?

onlyroz

I think a lot of people just realise that they don't have a lot in common. Or use their partner as a handy scapegoat for all the cr*p that life throws at them. I'm not convinced that infidelity is the main cause of marital breakup, but I'd be interested to see the stats on this.

PeacefulWaters

VfM4meplse wrote: »

You sound far from perfect yourself - staying with her for however long in the end for the sake of sex and sex only? Hardly deserving of a medal.

A post that has either misunderstood or a post that should be treated with contempt.

FBaby

The reality is that we rarely know why someone decides to go, but I believe it is very rarely for one reason only but an accumulation of frustrations that reach the point where communication doesn't happen any longer and the person doesn't believe that they can make the relationship work any longer and that going is the only way to be themselves again. In many more instances than we believe, it's been going on for some time and resentment has grown to a point where there is no place for loving and caring any longer.

The one who leaves is almost always systematically blamed for the breakdown of the relationship when in many occasion, they were the one most dedicated to trying to save the relationship, but reached a point when they couldn't do it any longer.

duchy

I don't really get how one person leaving a relationship gives you any insight on why someone else leaves a different relationship.

Everyone is different -and personally I don't buy that men leave relationships for differing reasons to women. Ultimately if someone feels loved and wanted they will stay -if they don't then leaving is always a possibility regardless of gender.

FreddieFrugal

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

A post that has either misunderstood or a post that should be treated with contempt.

I vote the latter. Made me cross when they posted that stupid response to InsideInsurance's post.

I think games can be a very difficult thing. Especially if you actually consider it necessary to spend quality time together in a relationship (if not, then what's the point!)

Gaming was one of the first habits I needed to give up and I did so very very early when started with OH. It just demanded too much time especially the online games that InsideInsurance mentioned. When you start playing online with other people especially in a city building or RPG type game with some kind of guild or alliance system the social world on there can become very entrapping. You've got the game part that can be very addictive plus the fact you'd feel like you were missing out on something or letting people down if you went as much as a day without logging on.

I've heard of couples that play such games together and that works for them. But you can't do it one sided. It's basically neglect. Just like being a widow to gambling or any other activity that takes too much of a persons time up to be healthy.



Anyway lucky for me I found it extremely easy to stop playing games in that manner. They just couldn't compete for my time anymore!

Sam_Fallow

InsideInsurance wrote: »

First of all dont have kids and wasnt married but was with the ex for 7 years



Neither were the issue in my case, actually the sex life was the only thing the relationship had left going for it and there wasnt anyone else involved.

She was had always had periodic obsessions with computer games. Only happened every now and then but when it did it would be 18 hours a day plus playing at weekends and every spare minute on the week days. The saving grace was she wasnt very good at games and so after a week or two would have gotten stuck and then stopped playing.

Then she discovered online gaming and found a game with no end and no way of losing. Was about 9 months after she discovered the game that we split but we could go a week without speaking. We did try and resolve things by going away but she left the dinner table to go out for a smoke, when she hadnt come back after 20 minutes I went looking for her and found she'd logged onto the public computer in the hotel lobby and was playing the game.

How long was it before she noticed you'd gone?

Kim_kim

duchy wrote: »

I don't really get how one person leaving a relationship gives you any insight on why someone else leaves a different relationship.

Everyone is different -and personally I don't buy that men leave relationships for differing reasons to women. Ultimately if someone feels loved and wanted they will stay -if they don't then leaving is always a possibility regardless of gender.

I guess I was thinking more of cheating than leaving with my answer.
Lots of cheats don't want to leave - they just want a bit of fun on the side.

Guest101

Just personal view:

I think there are men who walk out and claim they were pushed
and men who were pushed and the ex claims they walked out

My opinion:
In reality I suspect it's a combination of factors.

Poor communication
High expectations
Adjustment to change

The overriding factor in break downs such as the one you describe (ie young family) in my opnion is this:

Life is not supposed to be a walk in the park. It is hard, children make it harder. Two people will not agree on everything. Due to financial (and other) pressures these tw people will end up spending alot of their spare time together, whilst managing on what usually becomes a limited income, with lack of release and a build up of tension, anxiety and stress.

This usually results in one or both parties blowing their top.

(part of this is the lack of initimacy 'settled' couples sometimes show each other)

Once this has happened often enough, thoughts will of course turn to 'what if'. What if the relationship ended?

In true stereotypical style it is often the man who works and the woman who provides the care.

So the reliance on the other parrty (which a healthy relationship allows) revolves are money and care.

The government can easily replace the money side of things, in fact it does so in millions of cases.

This of course can have the effect on the (usually) female party of - why bother having him around, all we do is argue, the state will replace his contribution anyway.

The man meanwhile may feel, what's the point, I work hard and if anything goes wrong the state just replaces me anyway. I'l find someone who cares.

Basically, all relationships go through periods of upheaval. Unfortunately not everyone is strong enough to work through that, and many seethe state as a reasonable replacement to one party of the relationship.

Going back to communication, intimacy, adjusting to new experiences, and keeping expectations realistic - all of these would help to prevent this happening.

However there are reasons why we have so many running jokes / sayings / socially accepted siuations about both men and women.

E.G:
You've got him well trained
I'm not a mind reader
I had to tell him to take the bins out
etc.

You dont get so many about, he rubs my back every night, she makes my favourite breakfast every morning. - these things dont actually happen.

DKLS

Fireflyaway wrote: »

I found out today that someone I know of ( a friend of a friend of friend) has been left by her husband. He walked out on her and the kids, apparently with not much warning. Same thing happened to 3 of my old work colleagues over the years. They all have young kids who were in bits about it.

The bit I highlighted I think is key, he has probably been planning for months and has processed it all himself, then announced he is off and it all comes across as sudden, hence the added anxiety when the other person moves on quickly.

In my case the end of a 12 yr relationship was nigh when I landed a new career which involved a lot of travel in UK and abroad. Apparently academic conferences consist of a few symposia sessions and a mass orgy .

What it really meant was I realised I had been unhappy for years, always hoping it would get better, the new job got my Mojo back and I wanted more out of life and realised I wasn't in love with her any more, it took me another 3 months to plan my ex strategy and build up the courage to leave, so it did come as a surprise to her when I announced it.

Hence why I could "move on so quickly" which she never understood.

FBaby

I think you are spending too much time on here Guest, not everyone who separate claim tax credits and the rest and many of these only discover that the State will indeed pick up the tab much after the separation has taken place.

From my perspective, I very much doubt that 'the State will pick up the tab' is rarely part of the decision to separate, more something that is considered as an outcome of it.