Guys - why did you really leave?

Guest101

jaylee3 wrote: »

:T Brilliant post. Well done you. I am sorry that your relationship fell apart, and sorry for your wife and boys, but that IS a heartwarming post.



I genuinely feel for your ex, and have to say that you did her a huge favour leaving her.

'She is married to a dreadfully dull architect now.' You sound rather bitter and wounded. Sounds like you do regret losing her or you would not make such b1tchy remarks.

Also, there must have been a reason why she went from a rebellious, feisty, strong minded girl to an 'anxious generic clone.' People don't totally change personality for no reason. Shame you couldn't have tried to understand the way she changed and if something was wrong.

I am sure she is much happier now.

Think that's abit unneccesary.

He fell for a girl, she changed, he fell out of love with her. - So far nothing wrong with that.

She married an architect, who he considers to be dreadfully boring, but also says she's very happy. (and happy for her)

He didnt sound bitter at all.

jaylee3

sammyjammy wrote: »

You sound like my kind of man:o:D

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

FBaby

Guest101 wrote: »

First of all I respect your right to have an opinion - though we clearly disagree on the content.

I think it's something you either see all the time (and this is through work, not just my personal life before that gets brought into it again), or you dont and think its over exagerated. - in reality its somewhere in between, it happens more often than it should, but less than portrayed in the Daily Mail.

It would be wrong to (in my opnion) dismiss what i say, as just an outcome. People would not split up so easily if there was more at stake. (whether you think that's right or wrong is your opinion)

As for spending too much time on here, not sure which way to take that, so ill be positive and assume you mean im reading to many bad luck stories.

I think what I was trying to convey is that separation happen in all walk of life, different ages, different social class, not always when young children are involved, and for many, benefits don't even come close to it.

I wasn't trying to be sarcastic, my apology. I just know that when this forum becomes part of our daily life, it is easy to imagine society much more self-aware about benefits than it is in reality.

There have been and continue to be much too many cases of separation around me, and benefits rarely come into it.

Saying that, I am not sure I believe that a system whereas society wouldn't be as generous in terms benefit meaning couple are most likely to stay together would be achieving a better outcome. What we should try to achieve is ensuring that more couple don't reach that point of wanting to separate in the first place, rather than staying together because they can't afford to live appart.

FBaby

Also, there must have been a reason why she went from a rebellious, feisty, strong minded girl to an 'anxious generic clone.'

I read this that the ex grew up whereas Steve didn't Saying that, i don't read any bitternes at all. Her new husband might indeed be dull to him.

SS, could it be that your issue is not that you don't do relationship, but that you just haven't found the lady that makes you feel like you did when you were first with your ex and she was still feisty? Unless you can only fall in love with the feisty side of it, which inevitably always gradually fades as there is less and less to be feisty about?

FBaby

unfortunately as far as most people i/we know is concerned i am the evil one who has just walked out of his family, because i do not want to openly say the details of why i have left, whereas i know she has told people its because i just wanted sex etc, so i have become the atypical guy who has left his wife because he wasnt getting it, and just thinks with his privates etc et

Yes, you do get this quite a lot, including on these forums. We rarely got both sides of the coin. In your case, we don't know why your wife wouldn't have sex with you any longer, maybe she also keeps quiet about this.

It is very sad that it often takes a separation to finally learn from our mistakes and do things differently. My OH and I are both on our second marriage/serious relationship and we definitely deal with conflit and communicate together very differently to how we did before, probably because we are more compatible communication-wise, but as importantly because we've learnt from our mistakes. It's still an on-going learning curve, but because we are still very much in love and trusting of each other, we are prepared and willing to put all efforts towards it.

fivetide

amistupid wrote: »

If a relationship causes you to look elsewhere, you should at least have the decency to finish it before starting another.

Can't argue with that mantra. One I have said to myself previously.

Guest101

FBaby wrote: »

I think what I was trying to convey is that separation happen in all walk of life, different ages, different social class, not always when young children are involved, and for many, benefits don't even come close to it.

I wasn't trying to be sarcastic, my apology. I just know that when this forum becomes part of our daily life, it is easy to imagine society much more self-aware about benefits than it is in reality.

There have been and continue to be much too many cases of separation around me, and benefits rarely come into it.

Saying that, I am not sure I believe that a system whereas society wouldn't be as generous in terms benefit meaning couple are most likely to stay together would be achieving a better outcome. What we should try to achieve is ensuring that more couple don't reach that point of wanting to separate in the first place, rather than staying together because they can't afford to live appart.

Of course.

I refer my point to the UK being so high on the list of single parent families.

Absolutely agree, there are plenty of reasons why relationships end.

My point wasnt saying we should force people to stay together. I realise it only covers a percentage of relationships. - Apologies if it came across this way.

gonzo127

FBaby wrote: »

Yes, you do get this quite a lot, including on these forums. We rarely got both sides of the coin. In your case, we don't know why your wife wouldn't have sex with you any longer, maybe she also keeps quiet about this.

well i dont think i will ever find out why she stopped wanting any form of intimacy with me, except for the miscarriage which did seem to be the turning point.

However i have brought it up many times, and even during the counselling sessions but she never opened up about it, just different excuses such as, its more difficult with a baby in the house, i was tired, its hard with teenagers in the house, i didn't want to go to bed then, i have too many jobs to do.

so i guess it is just going to be one of those things i will just have to accept, that i will never know the real reason

Guest101

gonzo127 wrote: »

well i dont think i will ever find out why she stopped wanting any form of intimacy with me, except for the miscarriage which did seem to be the turning point.

However i have brought it up many times, and even during the counselling sessions but she never opened up about it, just different excuses such as, its more difficult with a baby in the house, i was tired, its hard with teenagers in the house, i didn't want to go to bed then, i have too many jobs to do.

so i guess it is just going to be one of those things i will just have to accept, that i will never know the real reason

All valid reasons, and all perfectly acceptable.

The point is, if she wanted to, she would've made the effort once you'd stopped trying.

It could easily be that it was nothing you did 'wrong', it wasnt a judgment on you, but that she just lost her sex drive.

Unfortuntely you situation will resonate with many couples. When one parties wants and needs arent being met by the other (sex, or housekeeping, or childcare, or anything) it will cause resentment. For you it was sex, which is fine.

And which strangely enough i've heard women enjoy in the general sense. It does seem to be associated with a seedy reason however - and a get out clause for your ex. All he wanted was sex.
Mean while her girl-friend is talking about the dirty weekend shes just been away on, which is of course fine.

The reason you werent happy to be honest is irrelevant. You werent happy and you changed your situation. If those 'friends' judge you for it, then it's likely you dont need them

SanguineSteve

Guest101 wrote: »

Think that's abit unneccesary.

He fell for a girl, she changed, he fell out of love with her. - So far nothing wrong with that.

She married an architect, who he considers to be dreadfully boring, but also says she's very happy. (and happy for her)

He didn't sound bitter at all.

Thanks Guest101.

Yes, I am being sincere and don't think the idea of this thread was for people to cast judgement. (Perhaps i'm asking too much for MSE... )

We share quite a few mutual friends so I see them once or twice a year at do's. We still get on well and I enjoy catching up with them. I am genuinely happy that she's happy, because I made her pretty miserable towards the end there while i was trying to figure out what was happening.

The 'dull' jab comes from that he doesn't seem to have any other conversation than his job, which I find unbearable regardless of profession. Good guy, just not the sort i'd invite out for a pint.

Anyway, going by some of the tales on here, mine is total small fry. I'm thankful I didn't just go with the flow and wind up trying to leave when kids were involved. That sounds extremely difficult and i have massive respect for anyone that manages that situation with minimal damage.