Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

OP I think you need to be honest with the situation. Yoy don't like your DiL much abs neither does she. Unfortunately no matter how much you can try to remain polite for the she of family relations it is highly likely that she is perceptive enough to pick up on your feelings and views and as a result not keen to be around you.
I expect your comments on immigration upset her as foreigner and that would have been aggravated by the fact it was shared publicly.
I think the main problem is that you seem to be building a picture of who she is as a person despite knowing so little about her. What her parents say is irrelevant and really just talking about her to people you didn't know before is plainly insulting.
What I think you need to do is start getting to know her leaving all your prejudices out of your mind not just or of your mouth. Try to re-establish a relationship with your son asking genuine caring questions about her with no agenda. Hopefully your son will feel more reassured that you won't be judging his wife and take it upon himself or with her agreement to bring his children to you. It will most likely be some time before you can even hope to communicate with her again but hopefully with time you will both get to appreciate that you are nice people who mean well even if you have different views on controversial issues.

:T:T:T

And it can be done.


After a very difficult time my sil came to me and apologised for previous behaviour. She felt very justified like op too. And like dil, I simply said 'nope, not for me anymore, its not worth it.'. While I strongly encouraged my DH in rebuilding damaged bridges with his family I also took time to build some fences of my own, and was glad when he joined in, though I insisted he build gates in his fences.

We took a couple of years to cool off, then sil had some counselling and as part of that her counsellor encouraged her to view her behaviour from my position. My sil makes no bones about the fact she is horrified not just by her actions ( which actually I was fairly understanding of) but the justification she gave them and others gave her for them. We agreed this was the difficult part, because reaction is normal. Anyway, we have been able to put it behind us and while I am unable to forget it ( I will not put my hand in a fire three times) I have forgiven her....in fact I long had before. And we are in contact many times a week and are able to laugh about the silly things we said and did, and she is able to see that I was not doing what she thought it was het preconceived ideas of her brother, her families expectations etc. although I am sad she was in a bad situation, I am flatterer end that the experience we shared made her want to turn to me first when her relationship failed and during a very difficult time afterwards. I feel that in both reaching into what went wrong we have learnt some mutual respect.

notanewuser

DKLS wrote: »

((Sign))
I may have a different opinion regarding your little girl.

Parents tend to be a bit: regarding their own:

Given how anti-child you are, why would you even open this thread? Back under your bridge now, off you go.

littlerock

All I want to say here is that my son told me and my sister separately that he was keen to get back to the UK as he felt his wife was too isolated and he hoped I could get close to the children and help with some of the baby sitting to allow them to become a couple again.

My sister who is really the friendliest least judgmental person you could meet, has met dil on several occasions, and says to me she comes over as a really temperamental self centred person. She also says, and she is the first person to tell me when I am in the wrong, that I have made heroic efforts to be helpful and non judgmental. I have never criticised her attachment parenting choice, I am just commenting that being so responsive to very demanding toddler actually he is 16 months now, toddler to the extent of being woken up still twice in the night to feed him, is making her very tired.

Oh and when dil said I needed to leave as they needed to rest? I had been there for 40 minutes having been invited over for the day and done no more than play with granddaughter briefly. Dil is not an EU immigrant - the EU which is an ongoing debate between son and I and we were discussing it on his fb page, not with her present. And just in case anyone thinks I am racially prejudiced dil is of Irish stock (her parents immigrated from Ireland before she was born).

tomtontom

littlerock wrote: »

My sister who is really the friendliest least judgmental person you could meet, has met dil on several occasions, and says to me she comes over as a really temperamental self centred person.

Can you not see the massive contradiction in this statement?

FBaby

My sister who is really the friendliest least judgmental person you could meet, has met dil on several occasions, and says to me she comes over as a really temperamental self centred person.

Maybe because she sees the aunt of her husband coming over as intrusion rather than comfort? I find it odd that your sister would have/want such a part in the life of your DiL who she didn't (or hardly) know before.

Again, who cares what your sister's think. It's as if you are using everyone's negative views on her to justify your own. It's not because others think like you (or pretend they do), that they or you are right in judging her behaviour.

Dil is not an EU immigrant -

It looks like it makes no difference to her, she found your views insulting. I imagine that people who knew her/common friends would have read your comments and this is what she found offensive to her.

cte1111

I can't see anything wrong with a husband using some of his holidays from work to spend time at home with his children and maybe give his wife a break from childcare, particularly if she is struggling with depression. On occasion I have had to ask my husband to come home from work when I couldn't cope, I've suffered from depression for many years and like any illness there are days when it becomes too much to cope with.

Just to look at the 'immigrant' comments, the OP's DIL has Irish parents and was brought up in the US. So she is an immigrant to the UK and her family were immigrants to USA. Why wouldn't you think that anti-immigrant comments could be offensive to her? I think it's pretty shocking that her husband would be joining in any anti-immigration conversation TBH.

lostinrates

You don't, have to be an immigrant to find some of the anti immigrant arguments distasteful I think.

bouicca21

Reading this thread just makes me so grateful for my lovely supportive mil.

Nicki

These two threads are bizarrely similar, which may be why some posters think this OP has discussed this situation before

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4996393

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4804053

This poster's story also has a UK husband married to a US wife living in New York with children with similar age gaps, attachment parenting, OP's sister thinks the dil is high maintenance and the OP talking to the wife's parents behind DIL's back...

Assuming these are two different posters in two different situations, OP may like to take a read of the other thread too, to see that these issues are universal between MIL and DIL and as changing her DIL's behaviour is not within her control, all she can do is change how she reacts to it, and how she behaves herself to improve the relationship between them.

duchy

Quite honestly though the OP seems to bend the truth - she denied posting about her DIL before ......and isn't saying what she posted on FB. I suspect she deep down knows she isn't without blame.

As for her non judgmental sister.....I hate to think what her judgmental sister is like !!