Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

duchy

It's the same poster

Nicki wrote: »

This thread is bizarrely similar, which may be why some posters think this OP has discussed this situation before

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4996393

The one I posted also has a UK husband married to a US wife living in New York with children with similar age gaps, attachment parenting, OP's sister thinks the dil is high maintenance and the OP talking to the wife's parents behind DIL's back...

Assuming these are two different posters in two different situations, OP may like to take a read of the other thread too, to see that these issues are universal between MIL and DIL and as changing her DIL's behaviour is not within her control, all she can do is change how she reacts to it, and how she behaves herself to improve the relationship between them.

notanewuser

Ooh, good spot Nicki!

duchy

I'm thinking the OP took nothing from the previous thread so won't from this one either -Here's a post I made on that thread

duchy wrote: »

Of course it may be that "His Privateness" knows perfectly well that his mother's more robust way of "clearing the air" would go down very badly with his wife who is a more private person like her husband rather than more like the bombastic sounding OP who demonstrated she doesn't know where to draw the line by criticizing the parent's choice of attachment parenting to the wife's own mother. Regardless of whether it got back to DIL or not -what on earth was she hoping to achieve - an intervention of two united grannies brandishing Dr Spock books ?

I do wonder if the OP's husband doesn't have more of an idea than he's letting on but knows its better for now to keep the peace rather than push a confrontation from which there may be no return.

I do know some people think that families can say what they like no matter how hurtful and it can be easily forgiven and forgotten - and I think to a degree between siblings especially that can be true particularly in large families but the DIL isn't family and her family dynamics may be very different.

It is clear that nothing has changed.

Andypandyboy

Too similar to be different posters I would say.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Small children are exhausting. If she's not got support from her mother, agreeing to come back here where she used to be happy probably appealed. But if she's not able to see her old friends or be the person she used to be (which is what being a mum can make you feel), somebody else that seems to be criticising her for how she parents and doesn't understand complaining about immigrants is going to hurt an immigrant, and the extended family doesn't like her either, well - that's certainly not going to make her feel any more secure and happy, is it?

If you talked about immigrants taking jobs, well, she's an immigrant who had a job. Clogging up schools, well so are her children. Taking houses - she lives in one. Needing healthcare - she'll need it. Being a descendant of immigrants doesn't exempt anybody from saying things that others feel to be racist. Having different accents, languages (have you looked at American English? Different spellings, different words, different pronounciations), she has all those. Saying you don't approve of everybody else, but she's ok, doesn't fix that.

Not being particularly happy where you live or not liking people or a place where the media makes out that nobody likes you because you're foreign is not the same as having a mental illness - even suggesting it can hurt deeply.

What is there here for her? Family that think she's a bit rubbish/not very nice - if she wanted criticism she could get that from her own mother. She doesn't need that from you as well. She can't guarantee her babies a good education, something that was probably one of the ways she was persuaded to come back. She's told her worries are the fault of foreigners, of which she is one - when a reassuring 'the most important thing is a child's home life and I'm sure with you as their parents, they will do just fine' would have been so much better. In a similar way, she might have been tired herself and just wanted a bit of peace and quiet with the kids in bed, a cup of coffee and no need to make nice with somebody who has hurt her feelings more than once for more than a couple of hours.


She may be depressed. But it's just as likely that she doesn't feel welcome, is on edge and just wants to go somewhere where she doesn't have her feelings dismissed as her not being right in the head.


The best you can hope for is, if you can manage to display a bit of self awareness and apologise profusely to her for being so tactless. And stay away from politics.

duchy

Great post JoJo

Both my Mum and my ex MIL were born outside the UK and came to Britain as adults and I've heard people spout off in their hearing about immigrants -and when called on it have been told "Oh I don't mean you - that's different" . Well no-it isn't - and it's hurtful .

I'm white British but my SIL isn't and I wouldn't dream of discussing issues immigration can cause with her as I'm aware it could hurt or offend her .

I'd like to ask the OP how she has got along with her son's previous girlfriends - if she found fault with them too as it does seem there may be a feeling that no-one would be good enough for her son. Ultimately DIL is the woman he has chosen to share his life with and MIL needs to find a way to accept and support that .......and to realize choices made for the children are parental and not maternal choices. She needs to be a positive not an undermining presence in all their lives and accept her son is a man and his choices need to be respected.

As for "It isn't racism because she's Irish" ....... Words fail me (well they don't but I'm restraining myself)

Putting the racism aside though -DIL is a Mum struggling with a new city- two very young children and all the worries and stresses Mums have to have a MIL who tells her husband she must have a mental illness because she isn't finding it all easy .....I'd have banned my MIL too if she'd suggested anything like that to my husband ....actually I wouldn't have had to -He'd have done it for me -and the fact son didn't ring MIL for a month (one has to wonder why she didn't ring him in those 4 weeks either though) implies her husband was less than impressed with his mother too.

I really hope this time MIL can finally see how she is alienating this little family -and can put her pride aside and talk honestly with her son about his feelings (not hers, her sister's, her DIL's mother's or next door's dog's) and how she can start to fix this situation (It won't be a quick fix it will take time for hurt to subside) and start rebuilding all of their relationships.

OP you have one son and two grandchildren - Let the pride and the resentments go -show your son you are genuinely sorry and want to make amends and rebuild and don't try to justify or blame your DIL for your actions . Look at the big picture - this issue will only fester and get worse if you don't.

Wickedkitten

DaveTheMus wrote: »

Your DIL is domestically abusing your son.

She is manipulating him and controlling him and no doubt threatening to run away with the children if he doesn't do as she wishes. Now he has been isolated from his family he will be easier to control.

Ha, of course because OP raised DS to not have a single thought in his own head and to be a complete simp. Not to mention DIL has a magical v***** that compels DS to do whatever she wants. It can't possibly be that he thinks the same.