Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

duchy

I'm another who recalls this poster and her DIL and their issues-it's so similar as to be unlikely it's not the same situation.

Telling a visitor it is time for children to rest is a common ploy with Mums to get a visitor who has stayed too long to leave. I really think you have come on too strong and the more you try to force the issue the worse you will make things.

The fact your son didn't ring you for a month is a clear message he isn't happy with you either. He works he could have called you at any time in the day but he didn't. This speaks volumes.

Your DIL has friends - she has lived here before - you aren't the "only" person she could get to babysit- and nowadays many people don't want to go anywhere without their kids anyway. Maybe she's struggling with a one and three year old but she doesn't want help from you - a woman she doesn't have a close relationship with already and there have been frictions in the past when you've visited them abroad.

Yes he is your only son -and you want to be involved but he is married with children and you've offended her with your views about immigration already (and maybe if there were already tensions she took offence more easily). I saw comments on FB during the election that I found offensive as the daughter and granddaughter of immigrants from people who I don't regard as racists and they would be mortified if they knew how their comments had come across to me. If I'd already "wanted" an excuse to fall out with them -they had given me the perfect excuse- but I'm older and more tolerant and I'm not a stressed Mum dealing with having moved a long way from my own family and two very young children and a limited support system.

I'd suggest you back right off for now. Ring your son when you know he's at work -ask about his wife in a social manner but don't suggest she has mental health issues -it isn't helping !! Send gifts for the kids and give things time to settle down. It's awfully hard work with two such young children - she may noyt have the physical or emotional energy to deal with what she shes as a less than ideal MIL for now but if bridges aren't burnt now -in time you can start to rebuild a relationship hopefully.

Oh and stop discussing her with her Mother - It *will* get back !!

lostinrates

littlerock wrote: »

No have not posted about this before must be someone else with similar issues out there:(.. Dil has lived in uk before, they first met when she was working here so she is familiar with life here and indeed has local friends .I was not criticising her on son's Facebook,, I thought son and I were just continuing our ongoing EU debate..it never occurred to me she would read it and react it in that way. I did apologise at once .

But I think that even before that, for example her mother telling me she had a big blow up - while they were visiting - and my son had to take morning off work to calm her down (and later a week's leave) suggests it is more than just my tactless eu migrants remark underlying this.
your son did not HAVE to do do anything. He is an adult.
I made the comment about her taking the children to rest outside their normal rest time while i was there really to show she was stressed. I was just playing with my granddaughter while she fed the little boy, when she suddenly appeared and said this. perhaps you said something or overstepped a boundary without noticing...(again?) I did not argue just encouraged the little girl to go with her mother and said I would be back to play another time.
sometimes its not what one says but how one says it.....
Dil has always been high maintenance, her mother says this but she never been as bad as this before while i have known her.your respect for you dil is obvious . Again,trying you side yourself with her mother will win you no favours with her, your son, or longer term her family. Its very possible what they say to you is different to what they say to you. You might do better to learn a policy of silence and polite small talk. The British are very good at talking about weather for this kind of situation.

In the past she would have joined playgroups, young mothers clubs etc. She
seems to have got very introspective which is not typical and I do blame attachment parenting a bit this is VERY familiar. Frankly ....tough. What you, I or the vicar think of a parenting style is as relevant as what your favourite type of cheese is. You are NOT the parent. Whether you like your sone and daughter in laws choices or not THEY are those that choose.because the little boy is very very fussy and clingy - still waking in the night for feeding and she will not use a bottle (I have never suggested she should BTW) so she is not getting a decent nights sleep and has not for ages. I thought I could help with playing with gd.rules of non parents in family....( I am one) don't think when ground is unsure, ask.....then do AS ASKED, even if not what you might like. If you don't want to do it again because of moral objection don't offer help Dils interpretation of AP means she must be totally responsive to their needs and I do fear gs is so demanding this is wearing her out and leading to his older sister being overlooked. Again I have not said this just tried to be supportive. again, I think its not what one says always, but how one says it.

I have asked my son if she may be suffering from pnd but he is very private and just finds other explanations like tiredness or anxiety over. your son is saying 'mind your own business'. Please respect this, because extended family IS important for children, and you are risking playing a part in that. That's very clear that your son is saying 'butt out', respect that. . The private issue is also familiar. schools. Sadly she is highly strung enough to threaten to go home with the children to pressure him if things are not going her way and he will give way to calm her down. well, let them work their marriage out. It might be they would have been better staying in the States or moving back there. I think that a mistake but have never said so. I am sure he is not happy about things but has been forced to take sides because of her over reaction so don't force him to take sides....back off.

. Even her mother says she is very temperamental and self interested and said dil had up till now coped better with being a mother than she feared. She says she will not cross her and they will just have to work it out between them. (She is not close to her mother with whom I get on very well and I do not think our conversations are related back. She has a much younger brother who is the focus of her mothers attentions these days.)i think you are probably wrong. And if you are right the friendship will only alienate you further. Its as if you are setting out to drive a wedge between you dil and yourself. You seem to be overlooking how these things might impact on how she feels.

So yes she is spoilt and demanding and always has been but she was also
always outgoing and lively which appealed to my son and not like this . I am now cut off from grandchildren and son. And she is also my dil and my sons wife and mother of my grandchildren and I want to help.

Well, there IS lots you can do to help . A lot might require more than you seem prepared to give in this and previous conversations though. And I don't mean in moving furniture around.

Mrshaworth2b

Doesn't sound like you are really "in" their life so what would you do?

You seem very judgmental of your dil choice of parenting. Is she the only parent? No? But I don't see you saying anything against your son, your very one sided. I suggest before you even think about saying anything to your son and dil that you try and see both sides? Otherwise you will come across as judgmental as this post.

Errata

I have no idea what 'attachment parenting' is but it sounds like your son needs to get a grip and stop having a half days and weeks off work to calm his wife down.

heartbreak_star

Errata wrote: »

I have no idea what 'attachment parenting' is but it sounds like your son needs to get a grip and stop having a half days and weeks off work to calm his wife down.

According to Wiki:

"an approach to raising infants that aims to promote a close relationship between the baby and its parents by methods such as feeding on demand and letting the baby sleep with its parents."

Seems to be you're at the whim of your child...

HBS x

Errata

Sounds like tough luck for number 5 when numbers 1-4 are still sleeping with their parents.

lostinrates

I think the point is not about the choices ( fwiw...its not a choice I would have made were I a parent) but that they ARE the choices made and its not for the grandparents to criticise.

Were the dil here posting we could debate with her opinions on attachment parenting. But if that's how they choose to parent then....that's there choice, just as attachment parents can't push their opinion on others. Grandparents can be their to offer advice and wisdom....but to push it? They often aren't there anymore....

duchy

Demand feeding is pretty much the norm nowadays.
I demand fed my son - and like most babies he fell into a routine with it. For him his natural timetable was 3 hourly feeds but at six weeks started sleeping from midnight to 6am -Had I followed his grandmother's advice of four hour feeds he may not have done so - who knows.

I always worked my schedule around him and because his needs were met he slept longer and was more settled. I remember been horrified than a friend's 18 month old was still going strong at 10pm every night. My son at that age would wake early- have a lunchtime nap , be in bed at six and sleep 12 hours. "Pandering" to my baby (or letting his body clock set a schedule rather than imposing mine) worked just fine for me. If that's attachment parenting (to me it just seemed common sense) then I'm all for it

notanewuser

heartbreak_star wrote: »

According to Wiki:

"an approach to raising infants that aims to promote a close relationship between the baby and its parents by methods such as feeding on demand and letting the baby sleep with its parents."

Seems to be you're at the whim of your child...

HBS x

No, that's not the case. Looking after yourself is an important part of it too - but it's the first thing to go if you have a high-needs baby.

notanewuser

duchy wrote: »

Demand feeding is pretty much the norm nowadays.
I demand fed my son - and like most babies he fell into a routine with it. For him his natural timetable was 3 hourly feeds but at six weeks started sleeping from midnight to 6am -Had I followed his grandmother's advice of four hour feeds he may not have done so - who knows.

I always worked my schedule around him and because his needs were met he slept longer and was more settled. I remember been horrified than a friend's 18 month old was still going strong at 10pm every night. My son at that age would wake early- have a lunchtime nap , be in bed at six and sleep 12 hours. "Pandering" to my baby (or letting his body clock set a schedule rather than imposing mine) worked just fine for me. If that's attachment parenting (to me it just seemed common sense) then I'm all for it

Similar to me, but my DD is a night owl. At 18 months she would still have been awake at 10 or 11pm, but wouldn't wake till lunchtime the next day.