Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

Kaye1

We've all jumped on OP for her views about attachment parenting (I'm an attachment parent but I don't really mind what OP says- it's just a different generation, that's all.)


We've missed the husband having to take days/weeks off work to 'calm her down.' That isn't right, even if in-laws are annoying! We've ignored the d-I-l using the children as blackmail and threatening to take the children away. We have ignored that a grown man has been 'banned' from contacting his parent.


That isn't a healthy way to behave. I don't have any useful advice but I think OP is right to have some concerns.

Errata

(Google "fourth trimester" if you want to find out why.)

I might do that once I've finished googleing all the cases where babies have been squashed to death by a a parent they're sleeping with.

lostinrates

duchy wrote: »

I think lots of parents to be "think" they know how they will parent - but once the baby has arrived things change

I'm not a parent to be, I'm infertile.;) I have however cared for two very young family members ( older baby to primary.....medium long stays and on and off short stays) in the past. So have experience of being the non parent family member who cares, and the one stuck on the daily routine.

But the point here is its not about attachment parenting. If the parents insisted the children were to eat jelly for pudding every day, then jelly for pudding would be served up. ( chosen on purse yo be a silly example so as not to cause upset ) Because the parents decide, not other family members. Even if I didn't like serving the jelly I'd do it. Once trusted by my family member I might ask if I could make jelly with fruit in it, for example. So the children could nibble the berries and fruit in the jelly too. But regardless its the PARENTS decision unless they are unfit.

Tbc, if some one displayed such contempt towards me as OP does towards her dil and infact her son's wishes for privacy, I too would be pushing them further out of my life. We might call it high maintenance, I call it damage limitation.

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

I might do that once I've finished googleing all the cases where babies have been squashed to death by a a parent they're sleeping with.

Shouldn't take you long - that's exceptionally rare.

lostinrates

Kaye1 wrote: »

We've all jumped on OP for her views about attachment parenting (I'm an attachment parent but I don't really mind what OP says- it's just a different generation, that's all.)


We've missed the husband having to take days/weeks off work to 'calm her down.' That isn't right, even if in-laws are annoying! We've ignored the d-I-l using the children as blackmail and threatening to take the children away. We have ignored that a grown man has been 'banned' from contacting his parent.


That isn't a healthy way to behave. I don't have any useful advice but I think OP is right to have some concerns.

We have op's interpretation of this. I think some of us would say we could imagine things getting worse not better for this family if tensions and manner continued as they had in the past.

I know a lot, of !migr!s and have been one. This really is not so unusual, especially with children, ( and I don't discount that stress or and could be involved). That doesn't mean they aren't insignificant or don't need support fwiw, but living in a country before, as a free young single thing, is different to living 'tied' with marriage, family you feel pretty damned by and the normal stresses of caring for a young family and not being very familiar with the system of the country.

FBaby

OP I think you need to be honest with the situation. Yoy don't like your DiL much abs neither does she. Unfortunately no matter how much you can try to remain polite for the she of family relations it is highly likely that she is perceptive enough to pick up on your feelings and views and as a result not keen to be around you.
I expect your comments on immigration upset her as foreigner and that would have been aggravated by the fact it was shared publicly.
I think the main problem is that you seem to be building a picture of who she is as a person despite knowing so little about her. What her parents say is irrelevant and really just talking about her to people you didn't know before is plainly insulting.
What I think you need to do is start getting to know her leaving all your prejudices out of your mind not just or of your mouth. Try to re-establish a relationship with your son asking genuine caring questions about her with no agenda. Hopefully your son will feel more reassured that you won't be judging his wife and take it upon himself or with her agreement to bring his children to you. It will most likely be some time before you can even hope to communicate with her again but hopefully with time you will both get to appreciate that you are nice people who mean well even if you have different views on controversial issues.

DKLS

notanewuser wrote: »

((Sigh))

Must be the yang to my happy, content, well adjusted, bright little girl's yin then.

((Sign))
I may have a different opinion regarding your little girl.

Parents tend to be a bit: regarding their own:

duchy

That is just plain rude

Hopefully you don't have kids yourself as children tend to learn politeness or otherwise from their parents.

DKLS wrote: »

((Sign))
I may have a different opinion regarding your little girl.

Parents tend to be a bit: regarding their own:

Mrshaworth2b

Kaye1 wrote: »

We've all jumped on OP for her views about attachment parenting (I'm an attachment parent but I don't really mind what OP says- it's just a different generation, that's all.)


We've missed the husband having to take days/weeks off work to 'calm her down.' That isn't right, even if in-laws are annoying! We've ignored the d-I-l using the children as blackmail and threatening to take the children away. We have ignored that a grown man has been 'banned' from contacting his parent.


That isn't a healthy way to behave. I don't have any useful advice but I think OP is right to have some concerns.

"Calm her down" is her mum's perception of the event. Did the son actually say "I'm staying off work to calm her down for the week" ?

The son has been banned from speaking to his mother? Again do we know this or does the op tell herself that to make her feel better? We don't know do we?

The dil has felt that comments made by the op were offensive, maybe that is why she doesn't want the op round her children, but again do we know they are being used in blackmail or had more gone on?

There are always 3 sides to a story, yours, theirs and the truth. We are all commenting on the ops attitude in her post

LannieDuck

Wow, I really feel for the DIL in this situation.

I have a 1 and 3yo, and (up until a few months ago) my 1yo was sooooo clingy. I couldn't leave the room without her bursting into tears, she didn't sleep through the night until she was a year old, she wouldn't play by herself with her toys. With a 3yo on top, it was absolutely, totally, soul-suckingly exhausting.

I didn't move countries in the middle of it all (although I did move house). I didn't have parents who were happy to gossip to other people about how 'demanding' I was. I didn't have in-laws who blindly spouted anti-immigrant rhetoric without considering that those things they were saying might easily apply to me and my beautiful children.

... and I still struggled. It's very possible DIL does have PND, or she might just be collapsing under the weight of all the various pressures on her.

OP, I suggest that you try and start a clean slate with your son, if he's still willing to do so. Apologise unreservedly for anything you've said that may have upset his wife. Explain that you'd really like to be a part of their lives, and are willing to do so on their terms. Make the offer that you're there to help out in whatever way would be useful - perhaps taking oldest grandchild out for the day sometimes?

Kaye1 wrote: »

We've missed the husband having to take days/weeks off work to 'calm her down.' That isn't right, even if in-laws are annoying! We've ignored the d-I-l using the children as blackmail and threatening to take the children away. We have ignored that a grown man has been 'banned' from contacting his parent.

We only have the OP's POV on this (via DIL's mother). There are loads of reasons why he might take half a day off - perhaps DIL was a bit under the weather? I had to call my OH home from work one day when I was ill and DD1 got sent home from nursery after being sick. I was in tears on the phone because I felt so ill.

Perhaps it was simply that the in-laws visit was stressful and the family decided to have a quiet week with some time off work to recover? And what's wrong with that? It's likely the in-laws will be on best behaviour with OP; they may not be quite as pleasant towards their daughter.

Blackmail/ threatening to take the children away - it sounds as if DIL is struggling to adjust to living in UK. She's very isolated and might just want to go back 'home'. With the added anti-immigrant comments, I'm not surprised she made some comments along these lines.

Grown man being 'banned' - I think the grandparents are banned from contact with the grandkids. I'm not sure the son is banned from anything (unless i've missed it). Perhaps he's made a decision not to have so much contact with OP? We often have threads on MSE where posters are told they really ought to support their partners rather than their parents, esp when young children are involved.