Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

littlerock

We have a son (our only child) who has just returned back to the UK to work after several years abroad together with his wife and young family (aged 3 and 15 months). When overseas they did not live near anyone who could help them baby sit and my dil, a firm believer in attachment parenting, got very tired and a bit cranky. (We visited a couple of times a year and she was very off on last visit overseas. Son said it was just because she was tired).

My son confided in my sister (who had come with us), that he hoped to return to the UK soon to send the children to school and because I could help with the child care (I am retired). He was particularly keen he said, that I should be close to my grand daughter and take some of the strain off his wife who was then expecting No 2. (DILs parents live in West Indies.)

FF to this year. They arrived back in the UK in March and initially all went well and I visited once a week and got on very well with all.However did notice that younger child was very very clingy and would not let her out of his sight. First sign all was not well with her however was when Dils parents came to visit them in their newly rented house shortly afterwards.

We kept out of the way but get on very well with her parents and took them out to dinner one night. Her mother said candidly that dil had made a huge scene couple of days earlier because son was coming home a bit late from work (this was due to major conference at his firm that week.) He had to take half a day off to calm her down. Her mother said daughter would have to sort herself out. She said she was always up and down and could be difficult as a result so they were pleased when she married my son because he is such a calm person they thought he would calm her down too.

Son then took a week off to calm her down after her parents went home. This is all very well but he is paid a very good salary to do a responsible job and needed to be at work. I offered to go over more for the present and help out but son said it was not necessary she would calm down after he spent some time at home. Well she didn't. If anything she got worse.

She has decided she does not like their very nice house in a nice part of town, as it is not central enough in the catchment area for the local school to be 100% sure of a place. However they cannot move nearer to the school (if they could find a house) as they are locked into a yearly rental agreement (not cheap rent either). She has been getting in a real state about this.

About six weeks ago I went over there for tea with my sister and her OH. My sister is the most social of creatures and could schmooze for Britain. She could hardly get a word out of dil who ignored me completely. She did find out that they have almost everything delivered and dil hardly leaves house. Among other things we discussed high price to rent houses in London and how one factor where they live is multiple occupancy of family houses by young EU migrants, driving up rents for houses like the one they were in. Dil wandered off and did not join in.

Week later I went round to take something for her, she had requested and was only allowed to stay for an hour before I was asked to leave as "children needed to rest". (It was no where near their rest hour and indeed little girl complained she wanted to stay and play with me but DiL insisted.) By now I was concerned about PND as she seemed be down and I asked son if dil was ok. He brushed it off and said she was fine just a bit fed up with the house.....

After the UK general elections, son who like me is interested in politics, posted some comments on his fb about the result and policy on eu migration and I made a few comments about the EU, part of our running debate. Dil came on line and said in light of my comments she was going to take her immigrant children back to north america. !!!!!!.

Next thing, son has unfriended me, sent me a text saying my comments were deleted as offensive and providing a list of topics I am not to discuss again including saying they were not welcome in London. I knew I had made no such comment - I adore my grandchildren - but got OH and sister to double check what was said in case it could be misinterpreted . They agreed I had not said anything which could be interpreted that way.

Both said I had made heroic efforts to support DIL and bitten my tongue on many occasions when she had been rude to me. (Mainly I think out of self interest, she is only interested in what concerns her not anyone else.) I have never ever given her advice on her to bring up the children.

No contact for over a month, so my husband, who has always been close to son, contacted him to invite them over to tea. Son said sorry but DiL has banned us from any contact with the children, because of my offensive remarks. Husband said he did not believe I had made any and son said no but his wife had convinced herself I had and given her fragile state of mind we should stay away.

Really do not know what to do for the best. Clearly not able to have any contact, but I am closest relative and only potential baby sitter at present as all their friends in London work and I am concerned about her health and strain on my son let alone impact on the children. Anyone got any ideas how to play it?.

System

I dont really think you can do any more. Your husband has acted as the go between and got nowhere.

coolcait

What were the comments you made on facebook?

bylromarha

Ask a professional used to dealing with these sorts of things. They will be able to talk with you in detail and give some practical steps in how you can best help DiL. All the best.

http://www.pndsupport.co.uk/pnd-help-and-support

DaveTheMus

Your DIL is domestically abusing your son.

She is manipulating him and controlling him and no doubt threatening to run away with the children if he doesn't do as she wishes. Now he has been isolated from his family he will be easier to control.

duchy

I presume DIL is not British and your comments about immigrants living and working in London offended her.

Have you considered writing to DIL and apologizing for your tactless remarks ? It sounds like you offended her even though you had no such intention.

My Dad's sisters were a bit like you - grumbling away about immigrants -and then utterly bemused that my Mum (not born in the UK) refused to visit them .

Ultimately she holds all the cards as she can (and is) stopping you seeing the grandchildren so perhaps you need to decide if seeing them is more important than been "right"

bagpussbear

I think you should have a conversation with your son. Do you think he'd pop over to your house without her? or perhaps you could meet him near this work during his lunchbreak?

It's hard to say if DiL has PND or whether issues were there long before the children came along, you won't know that.

Surely your son will be unhappy at the fact she has banned your from seeing the children, but does he agree you were out of order with your facebook comments?

Speak to him, I think that's the only route in to help at the moment,

lostinrates

Little rock, have you made posts about your dil before? Some of this seems familiar?

If so some of what I read I felt strongly this situation was not so one sided.


With or without pnd moving to another continent, even with you husband and children, can be EXTREMELY stressful, and if she feels vulnerable in any way about that any other situations will feel worse.

frankly, if you are the same poster, I think you are trying to force a relationship that is already strained and the more you push the harder its likely to be to change it. I'd wait for all overtures to come from them for the time being, explaining to your son why. And just cool it with her.

Of course your granddaughter might want to stay and play with granny etc, but your job is to back up her mummy. With out any other issue, that kind of thing IS grating to parents. Same ad the conversation/s with her mother ( which I strongly believe is likely to have been relayed and its likely you will never be forgiven for)

Your criticism of her to your son is only going to risk driving a wedge between you. Its highly unlikely none of this gets through to his wife and further makes her 'up and down' which might further complicate his load in life and complicate his work/ life balance.

I very much doubt you dil is blameless, so please do not construe this a saying 'its all you' , but really if you read your post through other eyes its very hard NOT to see you as highly incendiary to the situation.

littlerock

No have not posted about this before must be someone else with similar issues out there:(.. Dil has lived in uk before, they first met when she was working here so she is familiar with life here and indeed has local friends .I was not criticising her on son's Facebook,, I thought son and I were just continuing our ongoing EU debate..it never occurred to me she would read it and react it in that way. I did apologise at once .

But I think that even before that, for example her mother telling me she had a big blow up - while they were visiting - and my son had to take morning off work to calm her down (and later a week's leave) suggests it is more than just my tactless eu migrants remark underlying this.

I made the comment about her taking the children to rest outside their normal rest time while i was there really to show she was stressed. I was just playing with my granddaughter while she fed the little boy, when she suddenly appeared and said this. I did not argue just encouraged the little girl to go with her mother and said I would be back to play another time.

Dil has always been high maintenance, her mother says this but she never been as bad as this before while i have known her.

In the past she would have joined playgroups, young mothers clubs etc. She
seems to have got very introspective which is not typical and I do blame attachment parenting a bit because the little boy is very very fussy and clingy - still waking in the night for feeding and she will not use a bottle (I have never suggested she should BTW) so she is not getting a decent nights sleep and has not for ages. I thought I could help with playing with gd. Dils interpretation of AP means she must be totally responsive to their needs and I do fear gs is so demanding this is wearing her out and leading to his older sister being overlooked. Again I have not said this just tried to be supportive.

I have asked my son if she may be suffering from pnd but he is very private and just finds other explanations like tiredness or anxiety over. schools. Sadly she is highly strung enough to threaten to go home with the children to pressure him if things are not going her way and he will give way to calm her down. I think that a mistake but have never said so. I am sure he is not happy about things but has been forced to take sides because of her over reaction

. Even her mother says she is very temperamental and self interested and said dil had up till now coped better with being a mother than she feared. She says she will not cross her and they will just have to work it out between them. (She is not close to her mother with whom I get on very well and I do not think our conversations are related back. She has a much younger brother who is the focus of her mothers attentions these days.)

So yes she is spoilt and demanding and always has been but she was also
always outgoing and lively which appealed to my son and not like this . I am now cut off from grandchildren and son. And she is also my dil and my sons wife and mother of my grandchildren and I want to help.

notanewuser

You've posted other threads about your DIL before. You sound very judgemental of her and her parenting and I'd be amazed if that didn't come across in your interactions with her.

notanewuser

littlerock wrote: »

In the past she would have joined playgroups, young mothers clubs etc. She
seems to have got very introspective which is not typical and I do blame attachment parenting a bit because the little boy is very very fussy and clingy - still waking in the night for feeding and she will not use a bottle (I have never suggested she should BTW) so she is not getting a decent nights sleep and has not for ages. I thought I could help with playing with gd. Dils interpretation of AP means she must be totally responsive to their needs and I do fear gs is so demanding this is wearing her out and leading to his older sister being overlooked. Again I have not said this just tried to be supportive.

I'm infuriated with this paragraph. You repeatedly blame attachment parenting, but it is extremely common for babies and toddlers to wake in the night. It is normal for them to be clingy. Some are, some aren't. You're viewing this with your own lens, remember, as a mother of 1 and I would t be surprised if your constant criticism of her wasn't coming back to bite you on the ar5e.