Fear DiL has PND but do not know how to help

Mrshaworth2b

Even her mother says she is very temperamental and self interested and said dil had up till now coped better with being a mother than she feared. She says she will not cross her and they will just have to work it out between them. (She is not close to her mother with whom I get on very well and I do not think our conversations are related back. She has a much younger brother who is the focus of her mothers attentions these days.)

So yes she is spoilt and demanding and always has been but she was also
always outgoing and lively which appealed to my son and not like this . I am now cut off from grandchildren and son. And she is also my dil and my sons wife and mother of my grandchildren and I want to help.

Wow, so basically you and her mum are quite happy to criticise her and all that she does. With a mum like this and a Mil like this I would say she's best out of it.

It's clear you don't rate attachment parenting, but you don't have to criticise every part of it. I take it your approach to parenting was perfect?

I don't believe you want to help, I believe you want to be involved in the grandchildrens lives but will only criticise their mother and her parenting skills.

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like tough luck for number 5 when numbers 1-4 are still sleeping with their parents.

Perhaps you should find out what it is before coming out with such ridiculous statements.

notanewuser

lostinrates wrote: »

I think the point is not about the choices ( fwiw...its not a choice I would have made were I a parent) but that they ARE the choices made and its not for the grandparents to criticise.

I thought that before DD was born too. Turns out we kind of fell into attachment parenting without really knowing what it was. She fed on demand, slept with me because we both slept better that way, kept her parent facing in her pushchair because it meant we could converse rather than her having no interaction etc. I think it's quite intuitive, really.

Errata

notanewuser wrote: »

Perhaps you should find out what it is before coming out with such ridiculous statements.

Perhaps you should post me some links so I can learn what me and my family did wrong? If you want to be helpful.

duchy

I feel for the DIL - Both her mother and MIL slagging her off - I'd not want them visiting either.

It is very simple -it doesn't matter what your DIL's mother thinks ...... DIL is a grown woman and the mother of the children. Provided the children are happy, healthy and not neglected then the style of child rearing is entirely the parents choice and they have no obligation to do it the way you did decades ago.

If you choose to be critical of the decisions they have made about their children or to try to undermine or express disapproval of their choices then it is hardly surprising your relationship has deteriorated.

You can continue to try and get your son to agree with your views (doesn't seem to have worked so far) and risk estranging him -or even contributing to the marriage breaking down and your DIL taking the kids home with her ............or you can learn to be a positive and welcome presence in their life rather than a negative or undermining one.

Only you can decide if your need to "be right" exceeds your need to have a good relationship with your son, DIL and their family.

duchy

Errata wrote: »

Perhaps you should post me some links so I can learn what me and my family did wrong? If you want to be helpful.

There is no "wrong" or right.......
Different parenting styles suit different families .......or even individual children. Plenty of parents have found what worked well for baby number one didn't work for baby number 2 and have adapted their parenting style accordingly. I was raised on the principles of Dr Spock ....my younger brother - Mum threw the book away

notanewuser

Errata wrote: »

Perhaps you should post me some links so I can learn what me and my family did wrong? If you want to be helpful.

Who said you did anything wrong?!

Here's one:

http://www.alternative-mama.com/attachment-parenting-what-its-not/

Plenty more on Google. It's something that's massively misunderstood by parents and others alike.

FWIW I was put in my own cot in my own room the day I came back from hospital. I turned out okay, but that wasn't something I felt was right for my baby, who slept on me for the first 4 months. (Google "fourth trimester" if you want to find out why.)

It's worth knowing/remembering that all human babies are born premature. If we carried them to term their heads would be too large to get through the pelvis. They have a longer period of dependence than other mammals as our brains are more complicated and need more care for longer to enable survival. Expecting them to be self sufficient and sleep alone (when many adults don't like sleeping alone) is a bit unreasonable, IMV.

duchy

notanewuser wrote: »

I thought that before DD was born too. Turns out we kind of fell into attachment parenting without really knowing what it was. She fed on demand, slept with me because we both slept better that way, kept her parent facing in her pushchair because it meant we could converse rather than her having no interaction etc. I think it's quite intuitive, really.

I think lots of parents to be "think" they know how they will parent - but once the baby has arrived things change

DKLS

A couple I know do that attachment rearing thing, all I can say it has produced the most maungy, whining, clingy creature with zero self awareness or confidence I have ever met.
Hard to love Kid, like a little Bhudda on the demand.

Hope its just a phase and the kid turns out decent but so far no sign of it.

notanewuser

DKLS wrote: »

A couple I know do that attachment rearing thing, all I can say it has produced the most maungy, whining, clingy creature with zero self awareness or confidence I have ever met.
Hard to love Kid, like a little Bhudda on the demand.

Hope its just a phase and the kid turns out decent but so far no sign of it.

((Sigh))

Must be the yang to my happy, content, well adjusted, bright little girl's yin then.