Are we being mean ?

duchy

A lot of it is geography.

On my Mum's side I have about 15 first cousins around my age on my Dad's side seven who are all much older than me but their kids are more my age -there's about 20 in all. I can name them all but I couldn't name all the kids of my cousins and have met some but not all of the kids (I have two cousins in Australia I've never met) -and we are scattered over Ireland , Australia, UK and USA (Oh and I have a niece currently living in Russia).

I've always been invited to weddings but there is no pressure. If I can go I'm welcomed but if I can't it is accepted without hissy fits. Likewise when I got married - some came - all got invitations - but I wasn't going to get pulled out of shape if it was too expensive, too much time away or just too far. I was thrilled to see the ones who could come of course but didn't hold it against the ones who couldn't. (Apart from the one who tried emotionally blackmailing us into inviting his child to a non kids wedding - I was delighted he didn't come as he's a PITA at the best of times Blood isn't an excuse to be difficult -although some posters obviously think it is)

When your family is far flung -it doesn't mean you aren't close -it just means you see each other less often and pick up where you left off when you do get together. It's a different dynamic but to sniffily say "You can't be close" is nonsense. I'm closer to some of my cousins and second cousins who live abroad than some of my older first cousins who live here.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

S



Yes it is; despite a few people saying on here that it's oh so simple to just say no. No it isn't. If it's an acquaintance or a work colleague yes, it is easy to say no, but if it's FAMILY; it isn't, no matter how much people try to insist it is. All I can think of is these people are being economical with the truth, or they don't have a particularly close family, if any at all. Because no way will close family members be happy with you just saying 'I am not coming to my niece's/sister's/brother's wedding because I can't be bothered!'

Moreover, why would not WANT to go to a close family member's wedding? Like your sister or brother or niece or nephew? Even a first cousin? I have even been to my cousin's son's wedding recently.

Some very odd attitudes on this thread. As I said, all I can think of is that these families are not close. At all... I find it most bizarre that people don't even know their cousins names! :huh:

Mrs_Optimist

Goodness! I didn't expect the thread to still be going on.


The dilemma DH & I had is not whether to go to the wedding - of course we will be going, its a great cause for celebration and we are very much looking forward to it. I get on well with BIL and looking forward to having a new SIL - whom is also lovely.


It isn't even how much they have spent on the wedding - as that is their choice and what they want for their day.


It is more the mandatory 2 night stay which is costing US, and although we can afford it, we cannot justify it. Had we been able to stay for the night of the wedding, we probably would have - even though that would be £160 in itself. But we cannot stay just the one night, we have to stay for both - so £320.


We are attending both Stag and Hen do's (which incidentally also involve an overnight stay - at our expense) - and we are happy to do so.


The wedding is being held at the venue, and rooms will be made available to the public if unsold - BIL doesn't want that, he wants exclusive use of the Castle for the entire weekend - and because of that he has bought up all the rooms for his exclusive use, and is now trying to recoup the cost. It stands to reason that those relatives travelling from further afield will want to stay both nights. We don't, the venue is 14 miles away. We will spend time with all relatives (even those whom we don' see very often) during the day and evening of the wedding itself.


FIL is very likeminded with money - he hasn't offered any contribution towards the wedding itself as he sees it as extravagant. he offered to pay for us because he thought we couldn't afford it. When we explained to him our reasons, he both understood and in fact agreed with us that the costs was not necessary. So there is no guilt trip on that part. We see my FIL weekly, speak to him often, so there is no "final family reunion" as although he has a terminal illness, he is responding well to palliative treatment and will be around for a while longer yet.


Close family members are staying both nights - BUT the cost will be half to them as it is for us as we are paying for two teenagers as well as ourselves. They are also all working adults. I suspect had the cost been the same for the other family members, they also would have also been reluctant. Again we have discusses this with them and they understand our view.


So £320 for two nights stay, plus all the associated wedding costs. mmm our MSE head says "no way" but there is still an element of guilt - not with my DH by the way - he steadfastly refuses to pay - but by me, although I do feel we are making the right decision.

Torry_Quine

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Same, And it's nothing to do with 'age' or 'where you live.' Everyone I know, without exception, has a meal for close family (the wedding reception or wedding breakfast,) and then a 'night do' several hours after the reception, with a buffet and a disco/party for colleagues, neighbours, friends, acquaintances etc.



Yes it is; despite a few people saying on here that it's oh so simple to just say no. No it isn't. If it's an acquaintance or a work colleague yes, it is easy to say no, but if it's FAMILY; it isn't, no matter how much people try to insist it is. All I can think of is these people are being economical with the truth, or they don't have a particularly close family, if any at all. Because no way will close family members be happy with you just saying 'I am not coming to my niece's/sister's/brother's wedding because I can't be bothered!'

Moreover, why would not WANT to go to a close family member's wedding? Like your sister or brother or niece or nephew? Even a first cousin? I have even been to my cousin's son's wedding recently.

Some very odd attitudes on this thread. As I said, all I can think of is that these families are not close. At all... I find it most bizarre that people don't even know their cousins names! :huh:

I find it sad rather than bizarre that some people don't know who their cousins are.

Mojisola wrote: »

We had a smallish wedding but everyone who was invited was invited for the day - the ceremony, a sit-down meal and then an afternoon buffet.

Other weddings around the same time were afternoon ceremonies, meal and evening do but, again, the guests were there for the whole event.

Having a second-class "only for the evening" guest list strikes me as being made up of people who don't really need to be invited.

Do these evening guests come to the ceremony and then go away for hours until they're accepted back into the fold? Or don't they attend the ceremony - so they celebrate in the evening something that they haven't been part of?

Evening guests usually just go to the evening reception although not unheard of to go to the wedding itself.

missbiggles1

Mojisola wrote: »

We had a smallish wedding but everyone who was invited was invited for the day - the ceremony, a sit-down meal and then an afternoon buffet.

Other weddings around the same time were afternoon ceremonies, meal and evening do but, again, the guests were there for the whole event.

Having a second-class "only for the evening" guest list strikes me as being made up of people who don't really need to be invited.

Do these evening guests come to the ceremony and then go away for hours until they're accepted back into the fold? Or don't they attend the ceremony - so they celebrate in the evening something that they haven't been part of?

That's what I always wondered!

I remember when my friends married, 1500/1600 was the popular time for the ceremony because you could go straight on to the meal and then any dancing could start after the meal/toasts etc finished around 1900/2000. I know some people didn't stay for the evening but the idea of inviting people just for the dancing bit is, as you say, just bizarre.

j.e.j.

Thanks for clarifying the situation Mrs Optimist. So B i L has splurged on this castle and bought up the rooms, not wanting anyone else to be there except his wedding guests and he's now wanting to re-coup some of the money.

It is a bit presumptuous of him to think you'd pay £320!

It will cause bad feeling if you back out and say you're not prepared to pay that amount of money, but I don't blame you if you do! I agree with your OH, I think it's cheeky of the BiL to spring this on you all.

burnoutbabe

i can't see it causing bad feeling if you attend whatever is planned for the Friday night and drive home, then back the next day.

Its only the hotel cost you object to, which is fair enough, but what about the meal the night before, would you attend if your partners family had a meal somewhere else a few weeks later and you had to pay?

I've turned down weddings due to cost, and its not that I can't afford it,. its just that i wasn't that fussed enough to spend my money that way. But they were abroad. UK ones all cost around the same - book train in advance and its usually max £50 return (yes, even London to Scotland) and then find a cheap hotel - £75 max. I don't expect any wedding to not involve some hotel and train cost.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Re cousins: My grandad was one of 10 children and my nan one of 9; hence my dad would struggle to name all his many cousins. I think he met one for the first time at a family funeral recently. I have 7 cousins so much easier for me.

I've been to expensive weddings and cheap n cheerful ones and enjoyed both. The only one that wasn't much fun was where I only knew the bride and was the only single person there.

Weddings are barely recognisable from just a generation ago; when my parents married. My nan made my mum's dress, engagement ring was cheap, with semi-precious stones, honeymoon was a weekend in London (an exotic far-away place when you'd grown up in Leicester...). I think weddings being sold as The Biggest Day Of Your Life are mainly to blame for the potential tension that now accompanies invites. Also, many things are described as "traditional" when they really aren't. They do make people lots of money though:

- "traditional" long white gown. Went to the V&A's exhibition on wedding dresses recently and the white frock is fairly recent. People just used to wear their best dress; any colour.
- diamond engagement ring that "should" cost 1-3 month's salary. This was a canny marketing campaign by De Beers.
- "favours"- these are the random sweets/chocs guests now have cluttering up the table by each plate. Sugared almonds are a tradition in Italy, but not in this country.
- gift list. Clever idea by department stores.
- 3 week honeymoon at a luxury resort in the Indian Ocean or suchlike. Only possible since the advent of package holidays.
- stag/hen weekend. Modern invention that now has to involve drinking games, costumes, themes, overnight stays taking place weeks before. Originally would have been the groom hosting dinner for male friends the night before the ceremony.

11 pages to discuss whether it's reasonable to spend two overpriced nights at a nearby venue so as not to cause offence? Couples' expectations of the day, and of their guests have got out of hand I'd suggest.

missbiggles1

out,_vile_jelly wrote: »

re cousins: My grandad was one of 10 children and my nan one of 9; hence my dad would struggle to name all his many cousins. I think he met one for the first time at a family funeral recently. I have 7 cousins so much easier for me.

I've been to expensive weddings and cheap n cheerful ones and enjoyed both. The only one that wasn't much fun was where i only knew the bride and was the only single person there.

Weddings are barely recognisable from just a generation ago; when my parents married. My nan made my mum's dress, engagement ring was cheap, with semi-precious stones, honeymoon was a weekend in london (an exotic far-away place when you'd grown up in leicester...). I think weddings being sold as the biggest day of your life are mainly to blame for the potential tension that now accompanies invites. Also, many things are described as "traditional" when they really aren't. They do make people lots of money though:

- "traditional" long white gown. Went to the v&a's exhibition on wedding dresses recently and the white frock is fairly recent. People just used to wear their best dress; any colour.
- diamond engagement ring that "should" cost 1-3 month's salary. This was a canny marketing campaign by de beers.
- "favours"- these are the random sweets/chocs guests now have cluttering up the table by each plate. Sugared almonds are a tradition in italy, but not in this country.
- gift list. Clever idea by department stores.
- 3 week honeymoon at a luxury resort in the indian ocean or suchlike. Only possible since the advent of package holidays.
- stag/hen weekend. Modern invention that now has to involve drinking games, costumes, themes, overnight stays taking place weeks before. Originally would have been the groom hosting dinner for male friends the night before the ceremony.

11 pages to discuss whether it's reasonable to spend two overpriced nights at a nearby venue so as not to cause offence? Couples' expectations of the day, and of their guests have got out of hand i'd suggest.

:t:t:t:t:t:t:t:t:t

(Should be clappy smiley)

Torry_Quine

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Re cousins: My grandad was one of 10 children and my nan one of 9; hence my dad would struggle to name all his many cousins. I think he met one for the first time at a family funeral recently. I have 7 cousins so much easier for me.

I've been to expensive weddings and cheap n cheerful ones and enjoyed both. The only one that wasn't much fun was where I only knew the bride and was the only single person there.

Weddings are barely recognisable from just a generation ago; when my parents married. My nan made my mum's dress, engagement ring was cheap, with semi-precious stones, honeymoon was a weekend in London (an exotic far-away place when you'd grown up in Leicester...). I think weddings being sold as The Biggest Day Of Your Life are mainly to blame for the potential tension that now accompanies invites. Also, many things are described as "traditional" when they really aren't. They do make people lots of money though:

- "traditional" long white gown. Went to the V&A's exhibition on wedding dresses recently and the white frock is fairly recent. People just used to wear their best dress; any colour.
- diamond engagement ring that "should" cost 1-3 month's salary. This was a canny marketing campaign by De Beers.
- "favours"- these are the random sweets/chocs guests now have cluttering up the table by each plate. Sugared almonds are a tradition in Italy, but not in this country.
- gift list. Clever idea by department stores.
- 3 week honeymoon at a luxury resort in the Indian Ocean or suchlike. Only possible since the advent of package holidays.
- stag/hen weekend. Modern invention that now has to involve drinking games, costumes, themes, overnight stays taking place weeks before. Originally would have been the groom hosting dinner for male friends the night before the ceremony.

11 pages to discuss whether it's reasonable to spend two overpriced nights at a nearby venue so as not to cause offence? Couples' expectations of the day, and of their guests have got out of hand I'd suggest.

Well said.

Of course many people don't get sucked into the whole wedding industry but we tend to hear about the ones that do

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I do worry about couples taking out loans so as to have the "perfect day" and starting off married life in debt. I would rather go to a cheap n cheerful BYOB do than the hosts spending more than they can afford. As an aside, the best food (as a vegetarian, maybe the meat offerings are better) I've had at weddings was a simple sausage n mash (followed by stodge n custard- yum) meal, and an informal BBQ. The fancy venues with presumably expensive catering tend to serve dry, meagre portions in my experience.

The pressure to have the Best Day Of Your Life must be overwhelming, but I wish couples would remember that most people just want to hear the groom being humiliated in a funny Best Man's speech, get stuck into a load of booze and then dance badly to some cheese. The only people who will notice co-ordinating chair covers are women planning weddings.

I've had to decline invites for various reasons- I've always sent a sincere note explaining why and bought a card and personalised gift. Still good friends with all of those people. Perhaps guests also worry a bit too much about it all?