Are we being mean ?

coolcait

Homeownertobe wrote: »

I eagerly await the sequel when the brother-in-law stops a bus full of nuns and orphans from taking shelter in the castle despite the storm of the century raging outside, three serial killers wandering loose and probably an extra bill presented to the family to cover his organisation costs, or some other such nonsense.:rotfl:

No - I think if that were likely to happen, you would already have found a previous thread which hinted at it, and brought it forth with a flourish.


I did wonder why you'd thanked my previous post, o Greek chorus!

System

I have 3 siblings...i'm praying if an when they get married its not stupidly expensive :eek: i can imagine my sisters going all out for theirs!

That said i'm the only sibling who's ever had a long term relationship so i reckon i should be safe (and if i ever get married it will be a low key affair) :rotfl:

pickledonionspaceraider

Reading through this thread, I changed my mind completely.

After reading the OP, I thought 'no, you aren't being mean' ....

Then I continued reading and realised yes, IMO you are being mean. (sorry but you did ask..)

The reason I say this is:-

Your FIL is a dying man. He wants you there that badly that he has even offered to pay for you all. You tell him you would rather him spend this money on something he wants. Don't you see, he IS wanting to spend his money on something he wants? He wants his family together enjoying each others company at a happy family occasion. These are the things that bring him joy now, not material possessions

You said you couldn't go because of money and FIL offered that, + you turned it down. It does come across as clutching at straws to now find further excuses....teenagers MAY have to sleep on the floor - unlikely in a hotel, but couldn't your teenagers take sleeping bags? Are they ill in some way that they couldn't couldn't handle this?

This drama you are creating, could lead to family tensions that run deep in the future.

The times your husband will get with his dad, and your kids with their grandad are now limited.

Is your OH really happy about all this?
He really needs to be the one making the decision here so it doesn't backfire on you with any resentment in the future

I am sorry if this comes across as harsh - but your reasons for not going are not reasons, they appear to be weak excuses - and your OH family will see through them

missbiggles1

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Reading through this thread, I changed my mind completely.

After reading the OP, I thought 'no, you aren't being mean' - but in the first post, you very much put yourself across as the victim didn't you?

Then I continued reading and realised yes, you are being very mean

Your FIL is a dying man. He wants you there that badly that he has even offered to pay for you all. You tell him you would rather him spend this money on something he wants. Don't you see, he IS wanting to spend his money on something he wants? He wants his family together enjoying each others company at a happy family occasion. These are the things that bring him joy now, not material possessions!

I think in light of things, it is a bad idea to NOT go. It IS going to breed resentment as now you have turned down the FIL cash, it is clear that you do not actually WANT to be there as you are clutching at straws to find new excuses....teenagers MAY have to sleep on the floor - unlikely in a hotel, but couldn't your teenagers take sleeping bags? Are they ill in some way that they couldn't couldn't handle this?

This big drama you are creating, could lead to family tensions that run deep.

The times your husband will get with his dad, and your kids with their grandad are now limited. It is not actually about you - it is about what is best for your family

Do you really want your teenagers growing up thinking this is how families treat each other? You are deliberately setting yourselves apart from the rest of your husbands family - is he REALLY that happy about this - was it his idea to not go for some reason?

I think you need to go. I think you should quietly book the rooms, and not take a penny from anyone now you have created all the drama about it!

Interesting - you seem to have been reading a different thread.:D

coolcait

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Reading through this thread, I changed my mind completely.

After reading the OP, I thought 'no, you aren't being mean' - but in the first post, you very much put yourself across as the victim didn't you?

Then I continued reading and realised yes, you are being very mean

Your FIL is a dying man. He wants you there that badly that he has even offered to pay for you all. You tell him you would rather him spend this money on something he wants. Don't you see, he IS wanting to spend his money on something he wants? He wants his family together enjoying each others company. These are the things that bring him joy now, not material possessions!

I think in light of things, it is a bad idea to NOT go. It IS going to breed resentment as now you have turned down the FIL cash, it is clear that you do not actually WANT to be there as you are clutching at straws to find excuses....teenagers MAY have to sleep on the floor - unlikely in a hotel, but couldn't your teenagers take sleeping bags? Are they ill in some way that they couldn't couldn't handle this?

This big drama you are creating, could lead to family tensions that run deep.

The times your husband will get with his dad, and your kids with their grandad are now limited. It is not actually about you - it is about what is best for your family

Do you really want your teenagers growing up thinking this is how families treat each other?

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

And it doesn't work, IMO, as a fair summary of the thread that I've been reading.


The OP's family will attend the wedding and associated activities. Then, like the all the other guests, they will retire to their rooms, away from the rest of the group.


Looked at in that way, what does it matter where the rooms are located?


BTW, you will no doubt be delighted (on a human level) to hear that the FIL is not in imminent danger of death. I appreciate that this fact doesn't work so well from the point of view of re-igniting the drama.

pickledonionspaceraider

I am not here for an argument, OP asked is she being mean, and I responded in an honest fashion.

It clearly does matter where the rooms are located, enough to the FIL to offer to pay, and enough to the OP to have created this thread

It just seems a shame to me, to set yourself apart from family for the sake of weak excuses, which is what it boils down to IMO

BarryBlue

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Sorry, which bit is tradition?

I'd be a bit insulted not to be invited propely to the wedding; it smacks of somebody not liking you enough to really want you there but wanting to get a present from you. Fortunately I've never been put in that position.

Well, unlike some others I have to say I agree with you.

I dislike weddings anyway. They are an occasion for the bride and groom but are often tedious, shambolic affairs when you are a guest. You spend a day looking on at the various foibles of a bridezilla who is more concerned about the chair covers matching her nail varnish than whether the guests are enjoying it all.

We have received a few evening invitations, generally from people we are not that close to. We routinely decline them as we have no wish to spend an evening drinking with strangers while listening to poorly chosen music.

Ideal wedding is a quick register office ceremony followed by a nice meal in a restaurant. That I can cope with. Otherwise we do our best to find an excuse not to attend. As for being expected to stay overnight for one - not likely!

burnoutbabe

true, the evening only invites are often not hosted - no food offered (maybe cake at 10pm which is far too late if you have arrived there straight from work at 7pm), its buy your own drinks plus bring a present of course. I'd not travel far to attend one. Nice to pop in for an hour and say congrats to the bride and groom but unless you know lots of people there, not that fun.

Pollycat

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Your FIL is a dying man. He wants you there that badly that he has even offered to pay for you all. You tell him you would rather him spend this money on something he wants. Don't you see, he IS wanting to spend his money on something he wants? He wants his family together enjoying each others company at a happy family occasion. These are the things that bring him joy now, not material possessions

Did you miss the post from the OP that said the FIL understood their reasons for not wanting to stay overnight and was OK with it?

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

You said you couldn't go because of money and FIL offered that, + you turned it down. It does come across as clutching at straws to now find further excuses....teenagers MAY have to sleep on the floor - unlikely in a hotel, but couldn't your teenagers take sleeping bags? Are they ill in some way that they couldn't couldn't handle this?

Teenagers sleeping on the floor or in sleeping bags? At a cost of £40 each?
And you think that's OK? And fair?

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

This drama you are creating, could lead to family tensions that run deep in the future.

The only drama I can see is the BIL block booking a castle for his & his bride's own personal use and then coming up with a !!!!-eyed way of charging guests to recoup his money.
And of course, his expectation that everybody will stay over for 2 nights.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

The times your husband will get with his dad, and your kids with their grandad are now limited.

I'm sure quiet family time spent with the FIL will be far better than at a pre-wedding party.
The OP & her family are still going to the wedding.

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Is your OH really happy about all this?
He really needs to be the one making the decision here so it doesn't backfire on you with any resentment in the future

Did you miss the post from the OP where she said her OH was in complete agreement about not staying over?

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I am sorry if this comes across as harsh - but your reasons for not going are not reasons, they appear to be weak excuses - and your OH family will see through them

I don't think your post comes across as harsh - but it does come across as though you're reading a different thread to the one I've been following.

Pollycat

fierystormcloud wrote: »

If it's an acquaintance or a work colleague yes, it is easy to say no, but if it's FAMILY; it isn't, no matter how much people try to insist it is. All I can think of is these people are being economical with the truth, or they don't have a particularly close family, if any at all. Because no way will close family members be happy with you just saying 'I am not coming to my niece's/sister's/brother's wedding because I can't be bothered!'

Some very odd attitudes on this thread. As I said, all I can think of is that these families are not close. At all... I find it most bizarre that people don't even know their cousins names! :huh:

Exactly that!
You clearly have a close relationship with your first cousins.
Not everybody does.
It's not bizarre at all, just a different family relationship compared to yours.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I find it sad rather than bizarre that some people don't know who their cousins are.

It's not sad at all, just a different family relationship compared to yours.