Are we being mean ?

Mrs_Optimist

But it is about cost up to a point - we can afford it, but to put it into context that is the equivalent of one months mortgage payment for 2 nights in a hotel (lucky us we have a low mortgage - but there are reasons for that - we don't spend money needlessly and overpay where we can).


We are already splashing out on stag/hen do's, plus a present, plus the additional expenses of attending a wedding. We are happy to do so as that is (for us) an important part of the celebrations. It wouldn't be for everyone. However overnight accommodation when we live so close isn't important to us.


We would prefer to spend the money saved on 2 nights accommodation on something else. My BIL really wouldn't expect us to justify our reasons to him, anymore than we would expect him to justify the cost of his wedding to us. We are all adults and have our own priorities and budgets,


If it were the case that I disliked BIL or my in-laws, there wouldn't be an issue - we would just say no and that would be the end of it. But I do get on with my in-laws, DH is more adamant than I am that we will not spend that sort of money on unnecessary accommodation, and he has no qualms whatsoever about it.


Cue more digs......

Pollycat

Mrs Optimist
I can't disagree with anything you say above.

I think some posters have missed the fact that you are attending the wedding and are attending stag/hen parties, which I think are more important than a pre-wedding dinner and staying in the same hotel as other people after the wedding 'do'.

I don't think you are mean at all. Sounds eminently sensible to me.

[Deleted User]

I wish I only had a 14 mile drive to my Brothers wedding.. we're going to Istanbul (since that's where the brides family lives) in 3 weeks. I've already spent £350 on the stag do, and we can't take the kids to the wedding (since it doesn't start till 7pm and they're young). Even though my mum has helped with the cost a bit, i'm expecting it to cost me another £400.

All for my only brother who isn't even making me a best man.

Mrs Optimist - it's your choice, and I don't think anyone can make you stay over when you don't want to, and live so close. Your reasons are sound, and you're fully justified.

BTW - does he want you there for a breakfast, the day after the wedding? There's nothing stopping you driving over for that

Mrs_Optimist

He hasn't said anything about breakfast - although we would be very happy to drive over and meet everyone the next day if he would want us to do so.


Nothing is specified on the invitation, other than the actual wedding itself. Nothing about pre-wedding meal the night before either, although again, we would happily attend a pre-wedding meal if he would like us there (the money saved on the unnecessary accommodation could comfortably pay for both pre-wedding meal and breakfast! and we would still have change).

maman

I dipped into your thread the other day and it set me thinking. I haven't read it all so apologies if I've missed something.


As far as I see it, you're prioritising on what you think is value for money.


Your BiL is getting married. You've been asked to stay over with the rest of the family. It means a great deal to your FiL so he's offered to pay (so that money can't be use as a reason for refusing).


Because you live close enough to drive, you could attend all the important parts of the weekend without having a room/rooms.


So you consider a weekend away with the family or whatever else you choose to spend the money on as a higher priority than pleasing your in-laws.


To answer your question I don't find that mean just a different priority for spending than other people might have. I can see why you wouldn't accept your FiL's offer to pay when you have the money.


As you've asked for opinions, personally I'd go and stay even if it was just to please FiL. I think you know that's probably the kindest thing to do which is why you're asking about it on here.

Brighton_belle

maman wrote: »

I dipped into your thread the other day and it set me thinking. I haven't read it all so apologies if I've missed something.

Yup you missed something. FIL absolutely tickety boo happy that they are not staying, he merely offered in case they really wanted to and money was stopping them.

maman

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Yup you missed something. FIL absolutely tickety boo happy that they are not staying, he merely offered in case they really wanted to and money was stopping them.

Thanks I'd missed that. I think I made an assumption because I thought there was a chance this might be one of the last times he'd be at a family get together.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hello there, I have responded below in blue

Pollycat wrote: »

Did you miss the post from the OP that said the FIL understood their reasons for not wanting to stay overnight and was OK with it?

Yes, of course I did thank you for asking.

In families a lot can go unsaid, and just because the FIL didn't kick up a fuss about it, does not mean he is genuinely happy- we all do things to keep the peace at times .



Teenagers sleeping on the floor or in sleeping bags? At a cost of £40 each?
And you think that's OK? And fair?

I think it is fine to sleep on a floor in a sleeping bag, yes- teenagers do it all the time - camping/festivals/sleepovers - it's an adventure and wouldn't do a healthy teenager any harm at all. For £40 each I am assuming that means the hotel would charge that amount? I would ask for a discount on the room, because I wouldn't expect to pay for folk to sleep on the floor but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.


The only drama I can see is the BIL block booking a castle for his & his bride's own personal use and then coming up with a !!!!-eyed way of charging guests to recoup his money.
And of course, his expectation that everybody will stay over for 2 nights.

I must have missed the bit about him charging people to attend? - I've just checked and can't see where it says that, sorry. Yes charging people to attend your own wedding is wrong . The BIL does seem very extravagant but my point is that the FIL wants them to stay so much that he offered them to pay so clearly means a great deal for the FIL. Actions speak louder than words




I'm sure quiet family time spent with the FIL will be far better than at a pre-wedding party.

But clearly this is what the FIL wants. You cant say what is better for him (nor can I) as we don't know him, this is what he has said he wants. A big family knees sounds like it could be his idea of great fun


The OP & her family are still going to the wedding. Yes I know they are still going

Did you miss the post from the OP where she said her OH was in complete agreement about not staying over?

I am wondering from whom the original idea came . Being ''in agreement'' does not lend me to believe that the original idea was his. Being 'in agreement' suggests that someone else came up with an idea, and another person agreed/went along with.

I don't think your post comes across as harsh - but it does come across as though you're reading a different thread to the one I've been following.

Well that certainly isn't the case, I think we just see things very differently, which is no big deal really is it? I'm not looking for a huge debate type thing, just putting across how this situation could be seen.

Not everyone is as assertive as the OP clearly is (not saying that's a bad thing) - some folk do not say what they really mean or feel as they fear causing potential upset or bite their tongue when really they feel quite differently.

Pollycat

@ pickledonionspaceraider

I'm sure the OP understands her FIL better than any random posters on t'internet.
And she's said (several times) that he's OK with them not staying overnight.

Ditto for the way her OH feels (and it's actually his family).
If she says her FIL is OK with them not staying and her OH says he doesn't want to stay, I don't have a reason to disbelieve her.

The OP has explained that her BIL has booked all the rooms and decided to charge everybody the same rate - £40 pppn - even her teenagers. Even though they may have to sleep on the floor.

Pollycat

maman wrote: »

Thanks I'd missed that. I think I made an assumption because I thought there was a chance this might be one of the last times he'd be at a family get together.

Actually, they're all getting together soon after the wedding and again soon after that (except for the BIL)

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

We last got together a fortnight ago and will get together again next weekend for BBQ. Incidentally my bil is too busy to attend a birthday BBQ for his terminally Ill father next month so I really doubt he wants the whole family around his wedding weekend for any reason other than show !

I tend to agree with the OP about 'show'. The BIL sounds a real groomzilla.