Are we being mean ?

BoJangles_2

I would refuse on the basis that people are expected to sleep on the floor AND pay the same costs!

Jagraf

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I do worry about couples taking out loans so as to have the "perfect day" and starting off married life in debt. I would rather go to a cheap n cheerful BYOB do than the hosts spending more than they can afford. As an aside, the best food (as a vegetarian, maybe the meat offerings are better) I've had at weddings was a simple sausage n mash (followed by stodge n custard- yum) meal, and an informal BBQ. The fancy venues with presumably expensive catering tend to serve dry, meagre portions in my experience.

The pressure to have the Best Day Of Your Life must be overwhelming, but I wish couples would remember that most people just want to hear the groom being humiliated in a funny Best Man's speech, get stuck into a load of booze and then dance badly to some cheese. The only people who will notice co-ordinating chair covers are women planning weddings.

I've had to decline invites for various reasons- I've always sent a sincere note explaining why and bought a card and personalised gift. Still good friends with all of those people. Perhaps guests also worry a bit too much about it all?

I remember my 'ex' mother in law saying it was the biggest day of my life. I'm so glad she wasn't right. The wedding isn't the big day, falling in love, giving birth, getting the all clear, etc. they are much bigger days and much cheaper

coolcait

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Yes it is; despite a few people saying on here that it's oh so simple to just say no. No it isn't. If it's an acquaintance or a work colleague yes, it is easy to say no, but if it's FAMILY; it isn't, no matter how much people try to insist it is. All I can think of is these people are being economical with the truth, or they don't have a particularly close family, if any at all. Because no way will close family members be happy with you just saying 'I am not coming to my niece's/sister's/brother's wedding because I can't be bothered!'

Moreover, why would not WANT to go to a close family member's wedding? Like your sister or brother or niece or nephew? Even a first cousin? I have even been to my cousin's son's wedding recently.

Some very odd attitudes on this thread. As I said, all I can think of is that these families are not close. At all... I find it most bizarre that people don't even know their cousins names! :huh:

To paraphrase the late Michael Winner - 'Calm down dear, it's just a wedding'.


Everybody's different. On thread after thread, you appear to work yourself into paroxysms of angst and outrage over things which other people have done or said. Or - more accurately - your interpretation/misunderstanding of things which other people have done or said.


Other people take a different approach to life. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's an 'easy' approach. The idea that it's because they 'can't be bothered' is one of the things which you have misunderstood/invented.


It's perfectly possible to say 'No' - if that's what you really want to do. But it's a skill which you have to learn.


As for family, I have 24 cousins. I know all of their names, and the names of all of their spouses and children. I even truly know most of them as individuals. Other families are different. I don't have a problem understanding or accepting that.


Within my extended family, we all regularly have to decline wedding invitations from the others. Some siblings haven't been able to attend each other's wedding. There is no drama - but then we're not a family which seeks, creates, needs or thrives on drama.

lostinrates

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Yes it is; despite a few people saying on here that it's oh so simple to just say no. No it isn't.

It might not be easy always to say no, but nevertheless, often it has to be said. Even to FAMILY or to the people you love most. For example, you cannot give a beloved child sweeties if they ask all the time can you?

We missed my fil's wedding overseas, I missed the uk celebration of the same. We were also unable to attend a cousins wedding. I missed a family get together / double birthday celebration in Dublin ( my husband went ). There must be several others that do not spring to mind.

The fact of the matter is if One cannot attend or commit to attending, for whatever reason, one has to say no. You don't say no and stick your tongue out, you say no, send a nice letter and a nice gift, showing no ill intent is meant, and there is no malice in the non attendance.

BoJangles_2

I don't see a problem, so long as you are there the majority of the time everyone is socialising together. I mean, I presume you don't socialise in each other's hotel room?

fivetide

BoJangles wrote: »

I don't see a problem, so long as you are there the majority of the time everyone is socialising together. I mean, I presume you don't socialise in each other's hotel room?

This. Unless you are all planning to sleep together throughout the hotel you'll only be missing while everyone is asleep. Hardly a big issue.


You could even join in a bleary eyed breakfast if it is that much of an issue but as said, the taxi is hardly likely to be the same as the hotel room.


Of course this falls apart if it is in the plan that everyone must go to their bed at the same time although I highly doubt that is the case. People will drift off throughout the evening. I fail to see how being 14 miles down the road while everyone is unconscious changes a single thing.

balletshoes

Mojisola wrote: »

We had a smallish wedding but everyone who was invited was invited for the day - the ceremony, a sit-down meal and then an afternoon buffet.

Other weddings around the same time were afternoon ceremonies, meal and evening do but, again, the guests were there for the whole event.

Having a second-class "only for the evening" guest list strikes me as being made up of people who don't really need to be invited.

Do these evening guests come to the ceremony and then go away for hours until they're accepted back into the fold? Or don't they attend the ceremony - so they celebrate in the evening something that they haven't been part of?

i can only answer for the tradition where i come from in Scotland (and this goes back at least as far as when my mum and dad got married in the 1960s) -

day guests are invited to the church ceremony and wedding "breakfast" (although traditionally the guests sit down to eat late afternoon). The evening reception takes place in the same venue as the wedding breakfast, evening guests are your wider circle of friends, your close friends and family (subject to the numbers you've limited yourself to) are invited to the whole day, and the day runs on one thing to another - so church, then reception venue, photos, receiving line, seated for meal, speeches, meal, a few drinks, then its time for the evening guests to arrive, music, dancing, bit of a buffet later in the evening, more dancing, then it winds up late at night and everyone goes home.

Of course evening guests are welcome at the church ceremony, I've been an evening guest at weddings many times over the years, and have gone to the church for the ceremony too (we usually aren't dressed in our reception finery at that point though).

balletshoes

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That's what I always wondered!

I remember when my friends married, 1500/1600 was the popular time for the ceremony because you could go straight on to the meal and then any dancing could start after the meal/toasts etc finished around 1900/2000. I know some people didn't stay for the evening but the idea of inviting people just for the dancing bit is, as you say, just bizarre.

again i think its tradition - i've never seen anything wrong with being invited to a wedding as an evening guest, its the party bit to celebrate your friend getting married.

Homeownertobe

So now there's MORE 'new' information that puts the brother-in-law in a worse light. I'm shocked.

Torry_Quine

balletshoes wrote: »

i can only answer for the tradition where i come from in Scotland (and this goes back at least as far as when my mum and dad got married in the 1960s) -

day guests are invited to the church ceremony and wedding "breakfast" (although traditionally the guests sit down to eat late afternoon). The evening reception takes place in the same venue as the wedding breakfast, evening guests are your wider circle of friends, your close friends and family (subject to the numbers you've limited yourself to) are invited to the whole day, and the day runs on one thing to another (so church, then reception venue, photos, receiving line, seated for meal, speeches, meal, a few drinks, then its time for the evening guests to arrive, music, dancing, bit of a buffet later in the evening, more dancing, then it winds up late at night and everyone goes home.

Of course evening guests are welcome at the church ceremony, I've been an evening guest at weddings many times over the years, and have gone to the church for the ceremony too (we usually aren't dressed in our reception finery at that point though).

That's how weddings I have been to have proceeded. Seems normal to me