Here we can all be heard for a little while

Pyxis

geminilady wrote: »

We must be sisters! I have exactly the same genes it is uncanny:rotfl:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Perhaps!

Birdie85 wrote: »

Cross posted with you Pyxis! I'm not really sure how I'd handle that situation TBH, rather than just not taking her words as gospel whenever she spoke, maybe the untruths are helping her work through some stuff so it's more beneficial to her to tell porkies rather than face reality?

More than likely. Trouble is, it worries me that others, not being so understanding, will round on her, frighten her away, and maybe set off an episode of something.

Wellyboots6

Difficult one Pyxis.

I'd maybe test the water a little bit to begin with. Next time she says something not quite believable, make a joke of it along the lines of 'wow you should write a play about your life, sounds like you have had a very eventful one!' and see how she reacts. It could be that it is genuine, I have a friend who seems to get in the most ridiculous situations but it is actually all true! Or maybe she genuinely believes what she says. Or she does exaggerate/make things up.

If you do get the feeling it is fantasy, then maybe try talking about really mundane things with her and gloss over the stories. Help her see that you can still be an interesting person and make friends even with no outlandish stories to tell.

Pyxis

Good ideas, Katy!

Wellyboots6

I ended up back in bed. Then hubby came home and found me there. And now he is outside laying me a patio.
I feel so guilty I am going to have to get up. He works so hard, and then comes home and works even harder, and I just feel so lazy. He even said we could play my favourite board game later.

I am getting up, and am even going to get dressed!!

Waves_and_Smiles

That is very tricky, Pyxis. Honesty time...

Between the ages of 13 and 20 I was that person. I was manipulative, a fantasist and an outright liar. BUT, I never wanted to hurt a soul. My fantasies as a child started as silly things, like telling other children that I could get them the latest toys, they bullied me and I wanted them to like me. This increased as things got worse at home and I learnt how to make things more believable. By the time I was 16 I was telling people that I was terminally ill or had rare diseases, putting make up onto my arms to pretend that my my mother was hitting me, saying I knew famous people and many more fantasies. There was a reason why I stopped doing this which I will penguin at the end.

The reason I call it fantasising is because I partly believed my lies. They began to feel real for me and I would feel all of the emotions associated with them. This is very important, if people lie all the time they will start to believe it themselves, especially if it caused by low self esteem. I had almost convinced myself so it was easy to convince other people. Eventually people found out it wasn't the truth and mocked and walked away from me and it broke my heart. I never believed that anyone would ever stay with me just for being me. I believed that I had nothing to offer anyone as myself and the only way to keep others with me was to be in a permanently dramatic crisis so that they felt guilty enough to stay.

I careered from one made up disaster to another, each getting more extreme than the last because I had to keep beating my own fantasies so people that would stay. My teacher friend and my psychotherapist knew that I was doing this the whole time.

One thing that was very true was the emotions. If I made up a scenario where something scary happened it was because I felt afraid, if I pretended someone had died it was because I felt guilt for supposedly killing my dad. I painted on bruises to show my mother was abusing me, it was the truth but not the type of abuse I chose to pretend was happening. The emotions were not made up, the scenario's were.

I would never walk away from anyone who makes up stories, there is usually a very good reason for it. People do have a right to walk away of course, it can be extremely annoying and make someone completely untrustworthy and the person who lies has to be prepared for that to happen. I wouldn't though because I have been on the other side of it. I now tend to acknowledge the emotions of those who fantasise rather than comment on the scenario's. For example, I will acknowledge that people feel afraid and alone and try to help with that, rather than help with the story. In most cases it comes from very low self-esteem and a real feeling that no one would want you for who you are, and there is also often a trauma that is the real problem which people aren't ready to admit yet. I would never directly confront someone with their lies because I know how much it made me hate myself when people did with me. It didn't stop me, I just cut those people off and found new people instead while my self-loathing deepened and ironically I felt even more that I had to lie because there even less of a reason for people to stay. My friendships rarely lasted longer than a few months, people realised and hated me, but not as much as I hated myself. However, I couldn't bring myself to stop lying, I considered the only alternative was to be bullied and alone for the rest of my life.

It is why I am so brutally honest about myself now, I will never lie again. I carry so much guilt from that time which is another consequence, if someone does lie for attention once they don't need to do it anymore the guilt never goes. I am so sorry to anyone I ever lied to and I have no excuse, I abused people's trust.

Which leads onto the penguin bit about how I managed to stop.

The reason I was so desperate and lied to get support from others was because I couldn't tell anyone the truth-that I had been sexually abused until I was 16. Because it went on for so long I felt it must be my fault and was disgusted at myself. So I created scenario's to force people to be there for me and give me the comfort that I so desperately needed. My psychotherapist and teacher friend had guessed this, they had discussed the fact that were certain that I was abused for a very long time before I ever told them. They allowed me to continue lying while making it clear that they were aware that I manipulated people until one day I told them the truth.

When they didn't run in horror and leave me or pull a disgusted face I stopped lying almost overnight as if a switch had been flipped. It wasn't necessary anymore because now I could say what was really wrong and still be cared for. My fantasies were there because I was hurting but couldn't tell anyone why, once I did I didn't need them anymore.

End penguin

Pyxis

katy721 wrote: »

I ended up back in bed. Then hubby came home and found me there. And now he is outside laying me a patio.
I feel so guilty I am going to have to get up. He works so hard, and then comes home and works even harder, and I just feel so lazy. He even said we could play my favourite board game later.

I am getting up, and am even going to get dressed!!

Listen Katy, these last few weeks are the last the proper rest you'll get for ages, so you jolly well must make the most of them!
You feel lazy because nature is telling you to be lazy!
Nearer the time, you may well get the frantic nest-building urge!

Remember those male penguins who go around choosing the finest stones for their mate's nest? That penguin is your OH!
(In the nicest possible way!) he's doing what every good male penguin should do!

You can do your bit by making him cups of tea, telling him what a good job he's doing, and admiring his sweaty chest!




Hmm. Actually, could you post some pics of that? :rotfl:

Pyxis

Thank you, WaS, that was very honest, and very, very helpful.

So what you're saying is that if she has a tale of woe about her relationship, that I suspect isn't completely true, then instead of commiserating about the relationship, I should acknowledge how she is feeling......sad, or angry, or let down, whichever it is at the time, and try to help her with that, but not to discuss the untrue thing. Is that right?

Waves_and_Smiles

Exactly, Pyxis. Most of the time the emotions are real. I only made up stories to express what I was feeling because I was too afraid to admit what was really wrong. I never made up how I felt, I just couldn't admit the real reasons why I felt it. It gave me a huge amount of relief to have the emotions acknowledged, that is when I began to admit the truth. If I could trust people to understand that I was hurting I slowly started to trust them enough to tell them the reality of what was happening.

Both my teacher friend and psychotherapist took that approach with me. Rather than acknowledging the story they would say you seem as if you are very scared today, for example. That was what I needed, someone to realise how I felt, it actually mattered less to me then if my story was believed or not. Eventually, I could tell the truth because they didn't leave me when I shared my feelings and wanted to help me feel better emotionally rather than deal with the supposed scenario. Trying to help with the scenario was just like putting a plaster over a serious wound, it gave temporary relief but then I had to make up something else to receive the attention again. I learned to trust them because they believed and accepted how I felt and then lying was unnecessary.

This didn't help my guilt and horror when I finally tearfully admitted to my psychotherapist that I had been lying for 7 years and she informed me that my teacher friend and herself were perfectly aware of that and were waiting for me to tell them the truth. I am so grateful though that they both hung in there and waited for me.

Pyxis

That makes a lot of sense. :A

Gosh, I learn so much on this thread! :T

mellymoo74

Apparently they don't have to deal with my appointed representative no they can only deal with me *!!!!!!!!*
2 separate letters as two tenants (no mention of the 2 hours apart bit) have told them to go away and deal with my solicitor next week.