Should I contact birth father

System

Jagraf wrote: »

Maybe Judi just didn't want anyone to be hurt. She didn't deny anyone anything from what I can see?

Relationships are truly difficult. I don't think anyone can be judgemental about anyone else's emotions.

It didn't end in tears, just resentment.

My daughter couldn't understand how he could have just walked out on his 2 children.

My husband couldn't understand why she wanted to know why she wanted to meet him.

I couldn't understand any of it, just accepted it had happened.

Mrshaworth2b

My mum wasn't adopted but was fostered, as were other siblings, she gained communication with her biological family and kept in contact; I met my mum's biological family a couple of times when I was younger but by all accounts they weren't the greatest of people.

When my mum passed away I wrote one of the sisters a letter (the only address I could find) to let my mums biological mum know that her daughter had died. Whether or not she was in my mum's life much I thought it was fair to let her know.

After becoming a mother I wanted to know things about my family tree, I couldn't even name my biological grandparents name and this bothered me so I did some research and found the address of my mums biological mum and wrote to her asking for simple details of a family tree.

I got a email back off the same sister I wrote to a few years back asking if I wanted to go over and stay with her and it was all too over familiar, I offered to meet half way for a chat and coffee and never heard from her again.

Reading this made me do a quick Google search and I've seen that my mum's biological mum died a few months ago. So now I feel I will never get any answers about where my mum came from and the family tree and it will always stop at my mum.

Alikay

Thanks for all your replies - they've certainly has given me plenty to think about (though I've been mulling it over years anyway!). Over 10 years ago my biological father left his details on Friends Reunited, on a school which he briefly attended with a close relative of mine. This person had died before Friends Reunited was formed, so wasn't registered on the site but it did make me wonder if that was his clumsy way of making his whereabouts known. There's no other way he'd be able to contact me as both my names are different to those I was given at birth, and my maternal relatives all died by the time I was 8 or 9.

Strangely I've done lots of training as a foster carer about the importance of accurate life history, life story work and building identity. I've spent hours putting together albums, files and memory boxes for children when they move on, yet taking steps to clarifying my own background makes me feel terribly guilty. Weird .

Maybe registering with Friends Reunited and leaving a message for him there could be the way to do it if I do decide to make contact, but for now I think I'll just leave it - I'm lucky enough to have a happy life and lovely family so would hate to cause upset for anyone else. Thanks again to all who replied

Nicki

You need to do what is right for you but if your father is in his late 70's you may not have very long left to make an active choice and if has put out a feeler via friends United (or may have done) and you weren't planning on telling your mother anyway, the only person who could get upset by your choice would be the father who dies without getting his wish to find out what became of you. Assuming that you also want contact with him which is where we came in.

If you did want to discover medical details for you or your children, this is easier if you have started the process before you need them. Appointments with social workers, etc to kick things off have a long waiting list in my experience and even once you have accessed the initial info it could still take a while to trace him and open a dialogue.

duchy

Nicki wrote: »

I think if the daughter and the elder son were "never forgiven" by the stepfather for making the approach to the birth father whilst the mother fannied around being visibly hurt and traumatised by it all, that was a very clear emotional manipulation of those two children and a clear message to any other siblings of the reaction of they did the same thing!

I just don't get why it is a threat to the adoptive parents for the child to know their own genetic history/medical risk factors and to have a knowledge or even a relationship with their birth family as well as their adoptive family, and why a loving adoptive family would seek to stop that. Though I am speaking in the waiting period for results of medical tests which would be much less worrying and upsetting if I knew my own genetic medical risk factors, and having had children in life threatening situations in the past where a decent medical history would have been invaluable so feel particularly strongly on the subject.

My partner found his birth mother in his fifties.
His adoptive mother simply doesn't understand how anyone could have given up a baby and has no sympathy for the fact she was only fifteen and there was a sibling almost the same age as my partner (spookily they went to the same school and were only a year apart) as well as another disabled sibling so there were good reasons why the grandmother encouraged the adoption. That said although she doesn't get the why she entirely accepts it's my partner's life and is glad he has had his questions answered but I think does feel a little hurt (even though the relationship between him and his birth mother isn't that close and he's very close to his adoptive mother).

To feel a bit insecure that having done all the hard parental bit that your child wants to meet an absent for any reason parent is natural - but I can't understand resentment towards the child -it's natural to be curious and as Nicki points out things like medical history can be important (we discovered there is a particular medical issue in partner's birth family and he now has annual checks for it as he is high risk -something he never knew before).

meritaten

I can understand exactly where you are coming from Nicki. I agree with every word. It is so important to know at least two generations of medical history - it can be invaluable for diagnosis.


my own nan never knew who her real mother was - I didn't find out until two years after her death when I managed to find a close family member of her mothers. who told us that she had died of Alzhiemers. knowing there was Alzhiemers in the family could have meant she was diagnosed much sooner.

seven-day-weekend

Alikay wrote: »

I'm mid 50's and have always known that my mum was left pregnant with me by my birth father when he called off their wedding. He did know I'd been born but never visited, contributed nothing financially or practically, and married someone else within months. I know little about the circumstances as mum married the man I called dad when I was a toddler, and has always become very tearful when the subject has been raised. She is lovely, but very controlling, not always completely honest and there have been changes to and inconsistencies in the story.

Thanks to the internet, I now have my birth father's details and he emigrated in the 1970's. I don't want a relationship with him but there is information I'd like clarified - health details for starters, but also his reasons for leaving and never wanting to see me. He's now late 70's, and widowed with adult children and grandchildren.

Question is, is it very selfish for me to contact him? I would obviously be very careful not to "drop him in it" with his family, but he's an old man and it might upset him. Do I have a right to information, or does his right to privacy eclipse that? I'd also be concealing it from my mum who is one of those people who needs to know everything. My step dad is dead, so there's no risk of hurting him. What would you do?

I would write to him, leaving the way open for him to respond or not, as he wishes. He may have been hoping for contact with you all these years, you both deserve a chance.

However, if you do write, and he responds, I don't think it is fair for you to expect not to 'have a relationship'. Take it slowly and see how it goes.

I speak as someone who traced my birth mother (got an Aunt too) three years ago and have a good relationship with her. She is in her eighties and I wanted to do something before it was too late. Here's my story here if it will help:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3871947

Alikay

Update:

Well, I did leave a brief message for my biological father on Friends Reunited just giving my place and year of birth, in case he wasn't aware of my existence. Anyway, he messaged back and had guessed who I am. He said he'd like to find out more about me, but that he's travelling, so his access to internet is limited at present. The woman he left my mum for died after a long marriage but he is now remarried and it sounds like his new wife is aware of my existence and not fazed by it.

Really, the fact that he is alive, replied articulately and is fit and healthy enough to be trekking in the outback in his late 70's is enough info for now. My maternal medical history really isn't too good, and I was concerned that the paternal side may also be poor. His good health and apparent zest for life is such a boost for me. I expect I will email him again in a few days, but for now I'm very happy with the limited info he's given .

Kaye1

Brilliant news, thanks for coming back with an update Alikay. Wishing you all the best.

seven-day-weekend

Great news Alikay, pleased for you xx