Should I contact birth father

Andypandyboy

I was just going off the OP which says he did know but did not initiate contact and then married and mved away. Obviously, if he wasn't aware of it that is a different scenario.

InsideInsurance

TBagpuss wrote: »

I think that a written approach is best - I would personally see a letter as more discrete than e-mail, particularly if you think he may be married or in a relationship, it is not uncommon for couples to share e-mail accounts or have access to each others accounts.

Same can be said for postal mail.

I have to say the letter sent by Social Service was actually very discreetly worded. Didnt in any way mention it being your kid just a "client" looking to find surviving blood relatives and that they may be a possible match.

That said my birth mother did say she was concerned when she got a letter from Surrey County Council and thought it was going to be a letter about debt and how could it be from Surrey when she's never lived there.

Andypandyboy

Errata wrote: »

Absolute nonsense, many couples and families can access an email account if they account holder wants them to.

Yes, if the account holder has given them the password.

A letter drops onto a mat, open to all to read/dispose of .

So, no, not nonsense I am afraid, just a dfferent point of view!;) That is ok isn't it?

InsideInsurance

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I was just going off the OP which says he did know but did not initiate contact and then married and mved away. Obviously, if he wasn't aware of it that is a different scenario.

The problem is there are inconsistencies in the stories they've had which always spreads more doubt.

I always knew i was adopted but my adoptive mother says I was handed over immediately at birth and I was always theirs. The court papers I got state I went home with my birth mother for 7 days before being brought back to the hospital to be handed over.

I found I had a different name, allegedly my adoptive mother agreed to keep the names but switch the order where as I have one of the names and my middle name is different to what was agreed.

It was at my dads funeral that I found out he had 2 kids from his prior marriage who are 15-20 years older than me. My adoptive mother claimed at the time he always said they werent his however I since found out he saw them occasionally and his son is his spitting image. They say it was my adoptive mother that told them never to contact him as "dad" and that I'd always just be told they were cousins.

Unfortunately parents dont always tell you the truth

InsideInsurance

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Yes, if the account holder has given them the password.

A letter drops onto a mat, open to all to read/dispose of .

So, no, not nonsense I am afraid, just a dfferent point of view!;) That is ok isn't it?

I'd say both are equally insecure. My computer isnt password protected and it has saved the password to access my emails. My wife and I tend to use separate computers but we do occasionally jump on each others and so could read each others emails if we wanted without entering any passwords.

Alikay

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I was just going off the OP which says he did know but did not initiate contact and then married and mved away. Obviously, if he wasn't aware of it that is a different scenario.

Yes, I was told he was aware, as was the woman he left my mum for and later married. He was widowed some years ago and according to electoral roll, lives alone.

It's not easy deciding how to make contact though. There is no adoption agency as I remained with my mum, so no third party social worker can make the initial approach. I'm really limited to phone or letter.....a phone call could give him a terrible shock, but a letter could be opened by one of his children or grandchildren (who may or may not know about me..) if he's no longer dealing with his own correspondence. Hmm.....

InsideInsurance

I did find their initial letter useful, If I can find it I can copy the text for you. You could use a proxy to send it for you thus creating some separation if needs be.

The SS did insist I meet up with them beforehand though to make sure "I was ready for it" but spent most the time talking about the risks of "genetic attraction" and recounting stories of how others of their clients went on to have relationships with their newly discovered blood relatives..... didnt find that bit as useful

marisco_2

You come across as very thoughtful and to be giving a lot of consideration as to how best to approach the man you believe to be your dad. Nothing wrong with contacting him and asking for his side of everything. I would wait for him to reply with the facts before asking for anything further. I hope he will respond to you.

Mojisola

Alikay wrote: »

It's not easy deciding how to make contact though. There is no adoption agency as I remained with my mum, so no third party social worker can make the initial approach.

The Salvation Army will help -
http://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/reunited

System

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I think that if you knowingly create a child their rights trump yours. I am sure that he knew that this part of his life was not something that could be definitely left in the past. He made his choices, his child has the right to make theirs.

Well there is some doubt about whether it is his which other people have already alluded to. No solid fact apart from he walked away from the wedding. Because he found it wasn't his? Only the mother or a DNA test is going to settle that