Should I contact birth father

PasturesNew

If it's on your mind to do it, you must do it. Once he's gone it'll be too late and you'll forever grieve the rose-tinted version of what he could've been.

Find out and lay your ghost to rest, while you have the opportunity to hear/see for yourself what happened and what sort of person he is.

Of course, be prepared for it to be a complete shock to him when you get in touch - and his initial response might not be the one he would've chosen if he'd not been shocked. So if you don't get a favourable response at first it's up to you to be patient, yet continue to try ... you're the one able to choose and to plan and think, you're the one who started on the journey. For him it's a bombshell from nowhere.

There are many potential outcomes to this.... he might not be your father after all (always worth remembering that) ... he might have wished every day to be in touch with you .... or he might be a hateful and bitter alcoholic with drug issues.

But you'll know..... and you can only find out what you need to know and to have any meeting, while he's alive.

He might've tried, many times, to get in touch, but you were never told. A birthday card sent with a gift voucher might've turned into a card torn up in the bin and a present bought with the gift card and given "from mum". Mothers can be very vindictive when it comes to men and their babies. My own mother's father tried to get in touch with her just once and she refused to see him, based entirely on the stories she'd been told/assumed that he'd not bothered .... but I believe he had made provisions over the years and she was simply not aware.

bagpussbear

I think you should go for it. But be prepared that it may not turn out a happy ending if he doesn't want to know you.

I had hesitated for many years as to whether to find my biological father, he left my mum when I was 2.

So last year, at the age of 43, I decided to make some enquiries and I found out that he had died when I was 26 years old.

Do you know for a fact that he is still alive?

LEJC

I've seem this happen a couple of times ...once with a positive outcome and once very negative...and TBH it all hangs on whether the person you are contacting and their family are aware of the situation or not.

If your father told those around him of his past then there's a greater chance that he and others will be accepting of the situation that you want contact.....however if he did not acknowledge it to his onward family it may well end up causing resentment on all sides as in effect your wont get your answers.

I have no idea if its a good thing to do or not but if you do contact then you must also accept that if the contact is unwanted then there is no going back and revisiting...thats the point you must let the past be the past.

Its a brave thing that you want to do and I wish you well,hoping you get the closure or openings you would like.

Alikay

bagpussbear wrote: »

Do you know for a fact that he is still alive?

No. Just have his address and phone number from the online telephone directory and electoral roll in the country he now lives, so if he died recently it may not have been updated. Over 10 years ago he posted on Friends Reunited giving basic info on his status and whereabouts. If he has died, or no longer has capacity to communicate with me, I'm happy to accept that. It's just curiousity that's making me want to contact him, and the realisation that my mum has "filtered" information of all kinds over the years, so I'd like to hear his side (contact was lost with everyone from that era, friends or family, so there is no-one else to ask). Also, when my step dad was alive I'd have been very worried about hurting his feelings as he was the one who raised me.

By contact with him, I mean phone or email, and very brief as I only want a small amount of information not a relationship. I have no wish whatsoever to travel over 10k miles to visit him.

bagpussbear

Alikay wrote: »

No. Just have his address and phone number from the online telephone directory and electoral roll in the country he now lives, so if he died recently it may not have been updated. Over 10 years ago he posted on Friends Reunited giving basic info on his status and whereabouts. If he has died, or no longer has capacity to communicate with me, I'm happy to accept that. It's just curiousity that's making me want to contact him, and the realisation that my mum has "filtered" information of all kinds over the years, so I'd like to hear his side (contact was lost with everyone from that era, friends or family, so there is no-one else to ask). Also, when my step dad was alive I'd have been very worried about hurting his feelings as he was the one who raised me.

I understand. Curiosity got the better of me, and I too realised that some things I had been told when I was younger didn't quite make sense when I thought about them with an adult mind.

When I found out he had died years ago, to be honest I felt a little empty, I'd never get the answers to the questions I wanted to ask. So when you say you are happy to accept it if he has died, or lacks capacity etc, well when it comes to it, you don't actually know how you will feel.

Personally, I think you should go for it. I wish you all the best with your search Alikay.

InsideInsurance

I was adopted "from birth" and had a great childhood.

There were always parts of the story that made me curious about my background and after the death of my adoptive father and a deterioration of my relationship with my adoptive mother the interest grew.

I too used the internet and found out a fair amount about my biological mother - she was a young teenager, has never been married but had lived with the same guy for over 25 years, has 2 other kids who are only a few years younger than I etc

I did make contact with her, a couple of years ago now. Personally I asked Social Services to make the initial contact, which they did for free, as I didnt know her situation and what others knew of my existence.

Personally I now regret it a little. She is a nice enough person but other than genetics we have absolutely nothing in common at all. For me it was an interesting but not emotional situation, to learn about some of my past, answer some of the nature/ nurture questions etc but my "mother" will always be the person that brought me up.

Whilst I was clear that my commitment was always going to be low in the letter that went via SS she very clearly had very different expectations and very much wanted to become an integral part of life and visa versa. Its been hard declining almost weekly suggestions of meeting one relative or another or taking her grandkids somewhere etc.

Having another part of my life story complete is good but I do somewhat regret making contact as I believe its caused my birth mother more pain than benefit. I feel nothing bad towards, never have. She did the right thing and I am grateful to her for doing it. I dont want to cause her suffering but I dont need another mother and wont give her the level of commitment she wants.

CathA

The best option is to hope for the best, but expect the worst. If you don't try now when he's alive you'll forever be wondering. There's things I know now that I didn't when my mother was alive (I'm not adopted, by the way, she and my father are my natural parents) and I would give my eye teeth to know the answers. Good luck.

Errata

I would strongly recommend you don't phone or email. Write him a letter - whatever the situation was and is it will come as a great shock to him an the shock will be greater if you phone him or an email from you pops up out of the blue on his computer.
He may not be able to hear well on the phone, an email can be a bit 'in your face', but he will have been used to receiving letters all his life and can take a letter from you to a quiet place and re-read it as often as he needs to before taking as much time as he needs before responding - or not, it's his choice.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Andypandyboy

InsideInsurance wrote: »

I was adopted "from birth" and had a great childhood.

There were always parts of the story that made me curious about my background and after the death of my adoptive father and a deterioration of my relationship with my adoptive mother the interest grew.

I too used the internet and found out a fair amount about my biological mother - she was a young teenager, has never been married but had lived with the same guy for over 25 years, has 2 other kids who are only a few years younger than I etc

I did make contact with her, a couple of years ago now. Personally I asked Social Services to make the initial contact, which they did for free, as I didnt know her situation and what others knew of my existence.

Personally I now regret it a little. She is a nice enough person but other than genetics we have absolutely nothing in common at all. For me it was an interesting but not emotional situation, to learn about some of my past, answer some of the nature/ nurture questions etc but my "mother" will always be the person that brought me up.

Whilst I was clear that my commitment was always going to be low in the letter that went via SS she very clearly had very different expectations and very much wanted to become an integral part of life and visa versa. Its been hard declining almost weekly suggestions of meeting one relative or another or taking her grandkids somewhere etc.

Having another part of my life story complete is good but I do somewhat regret making contact as I believe its caused my birth mother more pain than benefit. I feel nothing bad towards, never have. She did the right thing and I am grateful to her for doing it. I dont want to cause her suffering but I dont need another mother and wont give her the level of commitment she wants.

I know nothing about this subject from a personal standpoint so forgive me if I cause offence. You say that your relationship with your adoptive mother has deteriorated but you don't want a deeper relationship with your birth mother?

Your birth mother will never replace the woman who raised you but could you not see her as a friend, a pseudo Aunt or some other role? It sounds as if she is really trying to reach out to you, obviously, you can control the level of involvement you have, but having read many adoption stories yours seems that it could be one with a happier ending than most if you could find a way to allow that.

I think that she may see your "rejection" of her as a punishment for what she will see as "giving you up" and I do think that you may not intend that to be the case.

Andypandyboy

Errata wrote: »

I would strongly recommend you don't phone or email. Write him a letter - whatever the situation was and is it will come as a great shock to him an the shock will be greater if you phone him or an email from you pops up out of the blue on his computer.
He may not be able to hear well on the phone, an email can be a bit 'in your face', but he will have been used to receiving letters all his life and can take a letter from you to a quiet place and re-read it as often as he needs to before taking as much time as he needs before responding - or not, it's his choice.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

An email is only accessible to the person whose account it is, whereas a letter can be opened by anyone. If he is dead or lacks capacity a family member may open it and so a can of worms is also opened.

I think an email is more discreet.