Should I contact birth father

Alikay

I'm mid 50's and have always known that my mum was left pregnant with me by my birth father when he called off their wedding. He did know I'd been born but never visited, contributed nothing financially or practically, and married someone else within months. I know little about the circumstances as mum married the man I called dad when I was a toddler, and has always become very tearful when the subject has been raised. She is lovely, but very controlling, not always completely honest and there have been changes to and inconsistencies in the story.

Thanks to the internet, I now have my birth father's details and he emigrated in the 1970's. I don't want a relationship with him but there is information I'd like clarified - health details for starters, but also his reasons for leaving and never wanting to see me. He's now late 70's, and widowed with adult children and grandchildren.

Question is, is it very selfish for me to contact him? I would obviously be very careful not to "drop him in it" with his family, but he's an old man and it might upset him. Do I have a right to information, or does his right to privacy eclipse that? I'd also be concealing it from my mum who is one of those people who needs to know everything. My step dad is dead, so there's no risk of hurting him. What would you do?

Browntoa

You have the right to know , I would attempt the contact but be prepared that he may not respond or it opens up a can of worms from the past

Andypandyboy

I agree, I would contact him, but be prepared to feel more let down than you may have thought if he does not respond or responds negatively. Good luck.

fivetide

As above. "Don't ask don't get" and all that. Just be ready for disappointment, he might not want reminding but that's no reflection on you.

WestonDave

If you go into this with the attitude that there is no reason to assume that after 50 years he will want anything more to do with you than he did all that time ago, then you will be mentally prepared for either no or a negative response.


However its also possible that 50 years on he has changed, matured and regrets his actions and wonders what happened. If you can make contact in a way that is friendly enough then you may just get some answers etc. If however you come across as demanding an explanation for being abandoned all those years ago, then the chances of him just ignoring you will be much higher. He's not likely to relish starting a battle to clear his reputation so you really need to start from a "no blame" position even if that is not really how you feel.

Errata

You need to be very certain in your own mind what you expect from contact. He may tell you to clear off; may be unaware of any serious health conditions in his family; may tell you a pack of lies; may put a gloss on things; may tell you things about your mother you'd rather not know about.
I'm afraid all the stories in women's magazines about getting in touch with a father who dumped their unborn child are the happy ones, very many are complete disasters.
Examine your motives very carefully and consider how you might feel if contact doesn't turn out to be all rainbows and puppies.

Jagraf

A friend of ours was adopted as a baby. When he reached his forties, he wanted to contact his birth parents. More out of inquisitiveness than anything else. He handled it brilliantly, without upsetting his mum and dad (adoptive parents). His birth parents were, to say the least, not very bothered, but he did find some lovely other relatives who he stays in touch with - so even if your father doesn't want to know, there may be some ther relatives on that side of the family.

Good luck - it's a difficult one but as the others have said, go prepared x

Lets_say

Alikay wrote: »

phas always become very tearful when the subject has been raised. She is lovely, but very controlling, not always completely honest and there have been changes to and inconsistencies in the story.

Given what you say, are you absolutely certain your Mother's fiance is your biological father? Might it be that is why he called off the wedding?

Alikay

Thanks folks. I'm not expecting any contact to be received favourably, or even acknowledged, certainly not "rainbows and puppies" :rotfl:. I have my own lovely family, and don't need birth father to make me feel complete - heck I'm surrounded by enough demanding oldies in my life, certainly don't want another one! I just feel I'd like some info, as mum hasn't been especially honest with me either.

Time, or rather lack of it is what is pushing me to make contact now: He is late 70's and this time next year may be dead or suffering from dementia.

I probably will make contact in the next few days.

anotheruser

Also, be clear that what you have been told isn't necessarily what really happened.
There are two sides to every story.

Sandhy

Good luck! If he's on the internet/ email it might make things easier for communication.
Let us know how you get on