Should I contact birth father

System

I am worried that you are doing this because

It's just curiousity that's making me want to contact him

An action that has the capability to destroy a person's remaining life and possibly his new family just because you are curious? What about that person's rights? You mentioned whether you have the right to information but how are you going to ensure that you are not trampling on your potential birth father's rights not to be reminded of probably a very bad part of his history or do you believe that your rights outrank his?

InsideInsurance

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I know nothing about this subject from a personal standpoint so forgive me if I cause offence. You say that your relationship with your adoptive mother has deteriorated but you don't want a deeper relationship with your birth mother?

Your birth mother will never replace the woman who raised you but could you not see her as a friend, a pseudo Aunt or some other role? It sounds as if she is really trying to reach out to you, obviously, you can control the level of involvement you have, but having read many adoption stories yours seems that it could be one with a happier ending than most if you could find a way to allow that.

I think that she may see your "rejection" of her as a punishment for what she will see as "giving you up" and I do think that you may not intend that to be the case.

I am thick skinned and its had to offend me :A

My relationship with my adoptive mother is irrelevant to my relationship with my birth mother. If my relationship with her was perfect I still would have been curious about my birth mother and still wouldnt have wanted a deep relationship with her. The only possible difference is my adoptive mother has deep seated insecurities and so as making contact would have had to remain a secret I may not have done so.

I was hoping for a friend, someone you can meet up and see a couple of times a year. Drop occasional emails etc. Unfortunately we have absolutely nothing in common on any level and so communication is simple status updates.

My desire for a couple of times a year goes against her couple of times a week. My email every couple of weeks is against her replying within 5 minutes of whatever I send.

Meeting some of her siblings/ my aunts & uncles ended up being a drinking match of neat vodka between her and her eldest sister and the two of them arguing over who'd kid had been most successful (my birth mother using me as her example).

I do realise my "rejection" may be causing more pain but I've struggled to strike a balance and hence saying that I probably on balance regret making contact.

Alikay

!!!!!! wrote: »

An action that has the capability to destroy a person's remaining life and possibly his new family just because you are curious? What about that person's rights? You mentioned whether you have the right to information but how are you going to ensure that you are not trampling on your potential birth father's rights not to be reminded of probably a very bad part of his history or do you believe that your rights outrank his?

Wow!You feel strongly about this don't you?! Did you not read my first post where I talked about his rights? Your post comes across as very judgemental and nasty, unlike the others who've all given helpful advice and opinions.

GwylimT

I would definitely do it, my son recently made contact with his biological father and they are going to be meeting in person in a few weeks.

Andypandyboy

!!!!!! wrote: »

I am worried that you are doing this because
An action that has the capability to destroy a person's remaining life and possibly his new family just because you are curious? What about that person's rights? You mentioned whether you have the right to information but how are you going to ensure that you are not trampling on your potential birth father's rights not to be reminded of probably a very bad part of his history or do you believe that your rights outrank his?

I think that if you knowingly create a child their rights trump yours. I am sure that he knew that this part of his life was not something that could be definitely left in the past. He made his choices, his child has the right to make theirs.

GwylimT

!!!!!! wrote: »

I am worried that you are doing this because
An action that has the capability to destroy a person's remaining life and possibly his new family just because you are curious? What about that person's rights? You mentioned whether you have the right to information but how are you going to ensure that you are not trampling on your potential birth father's rights not to be reminded of probably a very bad part of his history or do you believe that your rights outrank his?

If he didn't want to meet his child he shouldn't have chosen to get someone pregnant in the first place, if he didn't want a child looking for him he should have kept it in his pants.

LEJC

Alikay wrote: »

Wow!You feel strongly about this don't you?! Did you not read my first post where I talked about his rights? Your post comes across as very judgemental and nasty, unlike the others who've all given helpful advice and opinions.

I thought the post was very hard hitting,very brutal and sadly the possible reality...I didnt see it judgemental or nasty but it certainly demonstrated a side that could be uncovered if those involved are not expecting any contact.

It certainly gave a very potential accurate view of what could happen...
This is why you really do need to think about opening the box of secrets or letting it go...I do fear that what the OP described could indeed be a potential way that the situation is viewed....it was an opinion,possibly not the one shared by most who have been optimistic but a view that you need to consider whether you feel it judgemental or not.

Whichever way you look at it,its an emotive subject and also perhaps a generational thing that wouldnt and still isnt talked about in some families of that era.

TBagpuss

The local authority which originally dealt with you adoption may have support services available - there is also a list of links here http://www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/help/websites/#orgs some of which you might find helpful, particularly if you feel it might be useful to have an intermediary make the first approach for you, or if you would find it helpful to be able to talk to others who have had similar experiences.

I thin that if you are currently curious, and want to understand more, it is a good idea to try - at least that way you will not have to regret not trying, later, when it may be too late.

I think that a written approach is best - I would personally see a letter as more discrete than e-mail, particularly if you think he may be married or in a relationship, it is not uncommon for couples to share e-mail accounts or have access to each others accounts.

Good luck.

InsideInsurance

GwylimT wrote: »

If he didn't want to meet his child he shouldn't have chosen to get someone pregnant in the first place, if he didn't want a child looking for him he should have kept it in his pants.

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I think that if you knowingly create a child their rights trump yours. I am sure that he knew that this part of his life was not something that could be definitely left in the past. He made his choices, his child has the right to make theirs.

In fairness, we dont know that part fully. He may not have knowingly made a child, it may have been unintentionally or not his at all.

In my case I havent been able to trace my birth father. He wasnt named on my birth certificate and so it wasnt until meeting my birth mother that I got a name but at the time he totally denied that I was anything to do with him, he denied having ever slept with my 15 year old mother. She on the other hand claims he was the only person she'd slept with and didnt actually know that it was how babies were made at the time.

Who do I believe? The person that had 4 kids by the age of 20 from 4 different men or a person I have never met who says he didnt have a quicky behind the bikesheds at school?

Errata

Andypandyboy wrote: »

An email is only accessible to the person whose account it is,

Absolute nonsense, many couples and families can access an email account if they account holder wants them to.