Should I contact birth father

meritaten

if there was a way of contacting him directly - I would do so.
my nan was 'adopted' - and didn't find out until she was in her late 50s when she walked into her mothers house and her mother said the visitor was 'her father'. she didn't even know until then that her mother had been married before - she thought her stepfather was her father. he wasn't - this gentleman may or may not have been her biological father - her mother was definitely not her biological mother. its a family mystery we cant solve really. I suspect that the gentleman introduced as her father really was her father - she doesn't remember him as the marriage broke up when she was just two years old. but I KNOW her real mothers name and it wasn't her adopted mothers. as her birth certificate says it was someone else and father 'unknown'. and as it was before 1929 adoptions didn't have be 'in law'.
it turned out that some members of the birth mothers family knew about the illegitimate baby but didn't know what happened to it. and I am not surprised the marriage failed - grandmother was a prize beetch! nan was scared of her and I hated her.
family 'secrets' have a habit of coming to light - if you can contact this man at least you will know if he wants to acknowledge you.

GaleSF63

You said that you aren't sure that what you've been told is the truth. Perhaps say something about this in your initial contact if you decide to go for it, so he doesn't think he's being faced with someone who has been indoctrinated with stories putting him in the wrong, for many years.

As for making contact, when something difficult is put off, it gets harder and harder to do. Although it's possible he's never given you a second thought - and are you even sure he did know about you? - he may have just prevaricated for far too long.

You can't second guess any of it. If you do go for it, I hope there is at least a reasonable outcome. If you decide not to, try not to dwell on it.

Best wishes either way.

System

Alikay wrote: »

This would've been an absolute priority, but as I mentioned in a couple of my previous posts, he's been dead for some years now, so it's not an issue.

Very true but as a Mum it hurt me too. I was going through a pretty traumatic time at the time and this was just one more thing to bring me down.

Nicki

Judi wrote: »

Very true but as a Mum it hurt me too. I was going through a pretty traumatic time at the time and this was just one more thing to bring me down.

Hmmm. You, who presumably knew who both your parents were and your whole genetic history, feel it is appropriate to be "hurt" because your children wanted to know theirs, and this was in some way disrespectful to their stepfather?

I just don't get why people think that they have the right to deny choices like this from their adopted children either by withholding information or by piling on the guilt if the child decides to try to make contact. The happiness of the childhood home is irrelevant and to be honest if you aren't prepared to let the child make these choices for themselves then you shouldn't adopt them or let your new spouse adopt them in the first place. In my personal experience emotional manipulation to prevent or deter adopted children from making enquiries about their background completely cancels out any gratitude for the "good upbringing" provided and affects the relationship with the adopted parents forever.

I hope that you make the right decision OP.

duchy

I do think than adoption is a lot more open now than it was - and adoptive parents of Judi's age had an expectation (rightly or wrongly) that tracing would be difficult if not impossible -then the internet came along.

As for the an adoption social worker - when my partner was looking for his birth mother and was in contact with the council that handled the adoption they actually suggested he contact the adoption social worker in the area we now live in (entirely different area). He was very helpful had a chat with him and tried to help with the search as well as giving advice. When my partner returned to the search some years later he got back in contact with him - and he was the one who found the missing piece of the puzzle -and then wrote the third party letter and acted as point of contact .
Don't feel you can't approach the local social worker -they may be as fab as this lovely man was.
The letter he wrote was discreet - mentioned the maiden name and that is was about losing contact in X year (my partner's year of birth). She knew instantly what it was about - but it wouldn't have meant anything to anyone who didn't know that she'd had a child adopted.

duchy

Judi wrote: »

Go with an open mind and at the same time respecting the feelings of the step parent who raised you as his own.

I say this as my daughter sought out her biological Father when she was 15 and persuaded her older brother to go with her. It was done on impulse but I don't think her Step Dad ever forgave her. He said he'd been expecting it for years but it hit him like a ton of bricks.

The relationship fizzled out with her biological Father. She didn't like him.

How awful
To not only find your bio father wasn't a prize but that your step Dad wasn't either- A right can of worms indeed.

Nicki

The law changed in 1975, so anyone whose children are currently under the age of 40 knew at the time they were adopted that they had the legal right to trace their birth parents at the time the adoption took place. So absolutely no excuse in this day and age for adoptive parents to object to this overtly or by manipulation.

Jagraf

Maybe Judi just didn't want anyone to be hurt. She didn't deny anyone anything from what I can see?

Relationships are truly difficult. I don't think anyone can be judgemental about anyone else's emotions.

Nicki

Jagraf wrote: »

Maybe Judi just didn't want anyone to be hurt. She didn't deny anyone anything from what I can see?

Relationships are truly difficult. I don't think anyone can be judgemental about anyone else's emotions.

I think if the daughter and the elder son were "never forgiven" by the stepfather for making the approach to the birth father whilst the mother fannied around being visibly hurt and traumatised by it all, that was a very clear emotional manipulation of those two children and a clear message to any other siblings of the reaction of they did the same thing!

I just don't get why it is a threat to the adoptive parents for the child to know their own genetic history/medical risk factors and to have a knowledge or even a relationship with their birth family as well as their adoptive family, and why a loving adoptive family would seek to stop that. Though I am speaking in the waiting period for results of medical tests which would be much less worrying and upsetting if I knew my own genetic medical risk factors, and having had children in life threatening situations in the past where a decent medical history would have been invaluable so feel particularly strongly on the subject.

rjhammond91

I've recently been in the same situation. My biological father left my mum when he found out she was pregnant. I've found his details and found out he's married with a son.

I've tried to contact him but he's not made any contact with me. Although I never wanted a relationship with him I am still very upset by the whole situation, so just make sure you're 100% certain you want to put yourself through it.

You may get all the answers you want but be prepared to be let down.

I hope you get the answers you've been looking for xx