Should I contact birth father

InsideInsurance

!!!!!! wrote: »

Only the mother or a DNA test is going to settle that

Only a DNA test really, wouldnt be the first mother that got it wrong... I am sure we've all seen at least one Springer or Kyle show. Without the father or another close blood relative though you cannot do the DNA test.

Alikay

!!!!!! wrote: »

Well there is some doubt about whether it is his which other people have already alluded to. No solid fact apart from he walked away from the wedding. Because he found it wasn't his? Only the mother or a DNA test is going to settle that

Well, I'd be very surprised if there was anyone else in the frame, but they do say it's a wise child who knows its father! Whether a wedding was actually planned or not is an area of doubt though, as is my grandparents' involvement, and my birth father's knowledge of what happened beyond mum being 4 months pregnant. Stories have changed and some things don't add up. It's likely that he was simply an idiot who got his GF up the duff but preferred someone else so left, but I'd like to know for sure.

Jagraf

!!!!!! wrote: »

I am worried that you are doing this because
An action that has the capability to destroy a person's remaining life and possibly his new family just because you are curious? What about that person's rights? You mentioned whether you have the right to information but how are you going to ensure that you are not trampling on your potential birth father's rights not to be reminded of probably a very bad part of his history or do you believe that your rights outrank his?

Do you reckon a birth father would need to be reminded? You can't just 'move on' and forget you had children. Surely you don't mean this?

LEJC

Jagraf wrote: »

Do you reckon a birth father would need to be reminded? You can't just 'move on' and forget you had children. Surely you don't mean this?

Some people do move on....whether they inwardly forget or just create a front is hard to tell
I have had to deal with a situation whereby someone did just that...never told their new family,and when the adult child came looking for a parent and potential family the situation and how it was dealt with was very difficult for all involved and they left with no answers just rejection.
It was a generational thing rather than something that would be more common place todayy...but there was a great deal of stigma attached which prevented much of it being discussed.

Errata

Alikay wrote: »

Well, I'd be very surprised if there was anyone else in the frame, but they do say it's a wise child who knows its father! Whether a wedding was actually planned or not is an area of doubt though, as is my grandparents' involvement, and my birth father's knowledge of what happened beyond mum being 4 months pregnant. Stories have changed and some things don't add up. It's likely that he was simply an idiot who got his GF up the duff but preferred someone else so left, but I'd like to know for sure.

I think you'll need the wisdom of Solomon to finally decide what you should do. Pragmatically, he didn't want you, he didn't make any financial or emotional contribution to your upbringing, he has never tried as far as you know to track you down.
As someone else pointed out, the only thing you share is your genes - which of course may or may not be his.
It's human nature to know or discover where we come from, hence all the millions of people building their family trees back to the year dot - but that doesn't necessarily provide any proof that Egbert begat Ethel and so on and so forth.
I honestly don't know how you should approach him, but if you have the cash it may be worth having a handful of sessions with a counsellor to uncover how you feel about it and what outcome you would like and how you would deal with any emotional fall out.
You seem very uncertain whether what you've been told is the truth, and that must make it very difficult for you.
Just wondering- do you have a relative you're close to who could write to him telling him you'd like to contact him?

System

Jagraf wrote: »

You can't just 'move on' and forget you had children. Surely you don't mean this?

Maybe that is what he wanted to do. No contact in 50 years even though he probably had a fair idea where the family lived (especially in the early years.) tends to give a lie to that idea coupled with emigrating. To me that says that he was trying to get as much distance as possible

I just don't subscribe to the fluffy pink idea that he either wants or would welcome being reminded about it after so many years.

Jagraf

!!!!!! wrote: »

Maybe that is what he wanted to do. No contact in 50 years even though he probably had a fair idea where the family lived (especially in the early years.) tends to give a lie to that idea coupled with emigrating. To me that says that he was trying to get as much distance as possible

I just don't subscribe to the fluffy pink idea that he either wants or would welcome being reminded about it after so many years.

I agree that he probably won't want to. But I do feel its a child's right to ask, irrespective of the father 'moving on'. I'm first to say genes aren't everything, but I can see why people are inquisitive.

barbiedoll

This has struck a chord with me. I haven't seen my father since I was 10 years old, he and my mum split up (not just his fault as my mum readily admits) as he had met someone else, who had her own children. Contact tailed off as his new partner wasn't that keen for him to be leaving her on a Sunday to go trotting off to see his kids, plus, she was a lot older than my mum so she may well have been a bit insecure. (Not that it's any excuse on his part)

I now know that his partner died several years ago and I have his address. I've typed out several letters to send but as he is now around 85 years old, he may have his step-children looking after his affairs. I don't want any letter to fall into their hands. I could end up getting threatening letters or phone calls. (Not that he has any money to argue over, he lives in a council mobile home.) On the other hand, he may be totally alone and I could end up feeling guilty and running around after an 85 year old stranger who has endless hospital appointments. (He lives around 90mins drive away) I have quite enough of this with relatives that I do love and care about. I'm not sure that I'd be so keen to do it for him.

I don't have a phone number or any email address so my only option is to write or to knock on his door. Neither of which fill me with confidence. Time is not on our side and while a large part of me feels that, as he never bothered contacting me, why should I bother? On the other hand, do we look alike? Would we "get on" with each other? Do we have anything in common?

Decisions, decisions..........:o

System

Go with an open mind and at the same time respecting the feelings of the step parent who raised you as his own.

I say this as my daughter sought out her biological Father when she was 15 and persuaded her older brother to go with her. It was done on impulse but I don't think her Step Dad ever forgave her. He said he'd been expecting it for years but it hit him like a ton of bricks.

The relationship fizzled out with her biological Father. She didn't like him.

Alikay

Judi wrote: »

Go with an open mind and at the same time respecting the feelings of the step parent who raised you as his own.

This would've been an absolute priority, but as I mentioned in a couple of my previous posts, he's been dead for some years now, so it's not an issue.