Birth Mother

seven-day-weekend

I was reading some old threads on MSE the other day and in one was a link to a site where adopted people could put in details of anyone they wanted to find. Just on a whim, I put in the few details I had of my birth mother. I was adopted as a baby in 1950.

Anyway, I think I have found her!:eek: We have an address and a phone number.

I'm pretty sure I have the right person, she is still alive and in her 80s. She had no more children and her husband has died.

Not sure what to do next, but as my husband says, she is an old lady, so don't let time take the decision out of my hands. At the very least I would like her to know that I have had a happy upbringing, a happy marriage of forty years (I have been married longer than she has!), that I understand totally why she had me adopted and that she has a grandson aged 32. Also that I am a Christian, as it was important to her for me to be brought up C of E (my adoptive family were non-believers). If that's all that happens, that's OK.

My husband says he might ring her up. He is very sensitive and tactful and good at reading situations. I don't mind if he does this. I'm aware she might not want to know, but would like to give her the chance. I would not have a problem with it if she didn't , I would understand.

Dazed and Confused.....

krlyr

Why not write her a letter telling her all of the above, and giving your contact details so that the balls in her court? You could send it recorded to know that she received it but it will let her decide if she wants to make contact or if she just holds the information and keeps things as they are.
Someone of her generation would probably find a letter quite a nice thing anyway, and it saves any rash decisions made in the shock of receiving such a phonecall.

newbutold

krlyr wrote: »

Why not write her a letter telling her all of the above, and giving your contact details so that the balls in her court? You could send it recorded to know that she received it but it will let her decide if she wants to make contact or if she just holds the information and keeps things as they are.
Someone of her generation would probably find a letter quite a nice thing anyway, and it saves any rash decisions made in the shock of receiving such a phonecall.

I think that's a great way of handling it. However by phoning at least your Husband would be able to gauge her reaction and then you will at least know how she reacted.

I think a letter is the best way to go about it for your birth Mum's sake. However I think the telephone is the best way for your sake.

Good luck & I hope you get the response you want from her.

misfire

krlyr has said exactly what I would have! if you phone she may feel put on the spot and it may be a huge shock for someone her age (who may not even know you are able to trace people via the internet). I also feel if you write with news about your life, happy marriage, child etc.. even if she doesn't get in contact she will know you are happy and therefore her decision was the right one.

I hope that it is the right person, and that it all goes well for you x

marywooyeah

agreed a letter would be a good idea - if you try to talk first it might all get a bit much. with a letter you could carefully put down what you want to say, although I appreciate you probably don't know where to start! you could include a photo of yourself and your children too she'd probably really like that.

let us know how you get on xxx

Nicki

If she's in her 80's it is possible that she might be quite housebound and reliant on carers. You might want to think about enclosing a stamped addressed envelope so if she wanted to write back to you, she could just give it to someone to post. I imagine it might be hard for her to pick up the phone after all this time but this would make it easier for her perhaps to acknowledge your contact if she wants to.

poet123

I do hope that it all works out for you both.

In view of her age I too would send the letter first, but perhaps include in it a date and time when your husband will ring her. That way she has time to digest the information before picking up the phone, but you get a definitive reaction to the news. Good luck.

savingmummy

I never knew you could trace birth relatives. SO the chances are she wouldnt know either.
I have relatives who were adopted and are now hitting 16/16 and i often wonder if they will ever track me down.
I`d prefer a letter over a call.

SO I`d write to her personally.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

seven-day-weekend

Thanks all for your advice, we are still trying to decide what to do. I like the idea of the letter with a date and time that my husband will ring, and then she can either pick the phone up or not.

Also the stamped addressed envelope.

Can't think straight.

CL

It's important to be prepared that an 80+ year old woman may suffer from dementia. If you send a letter and she isn't able to understand, maybe her carers might reply on her behalf, but if you call she may unintentionally be abrupt and you may be left feeling rejected.

McKneff

Just wanted to say 'Wow'

Then in the same breath 'what a dilemma'

I wish you well SDW, as a mum, I'm sure you probably realise this too, I bet this lady has thought about you at least once every single day of her life.
Oh dear, I have a tear in my eye, go for it, time is precious and you may regret it if it got to the too late situation.

Regards
Annie.