Birth Mother

Craftyscholar

sparrer wrote: »

There is a professional organisation, Norcap, which will handle this for you, with the highest regard for privacy should either party not want to be contacted. They do a search and contact service but as you already have a possible name and address it makes the whole process much easier.

I would really encourage you to consider going this route, without going into personal details I can just say I know from experience that it can go horribly wrong if not handled in the 'correct' way.

Good luck and I hope you have a successful result

Wishing you a successful reunion.

Another recommending NORCAP.
Their intermediaries are trained to make the first approach on your behalf. In my case, my birth mother agreed to one phone conversation with the NORCAP intermediary in which she gave the information about the circumstances of my birth and adoption which I wanted.

However she made it absolutely clear that she wanted no further contact to be made. This was easier to accept from a trained and sympathetic third party.
Any direct approach from me could only have turned out badly.

McKneff

It was a completely different world back then when it came to sex, babies, babies were actually taken away without any consent from anyone apart from grandparents saying 'take it'
Women were put in Asylums for having a baby out of wedlock.

Homosexuals were imprisoned.

Thank god we have all got away from it. (well, most of us anyway)

Errata

I sense that some who have posted have done so from the heart and from their own personal experience. But I'm guessing not so many from the experience and point of view of a woman in her 70's or 80's who because of circumstances 50 / 60 years ago gave up a much loved child. Walk a mile in their shoes and the landscape and emotions will be vastly different.
It's worth noting that studies show that around 80% of mums and daughters who get in contact and are reunited go on to have a loving and solid relationship.

seven-day-weekend

nottslass wrote: »

Although some post adoption reunions can be great,I do need to point out that this person is not in any sense "MUM".

My Mum is the person who was there when I took my first steps,said my first word,kissed me when I hurt myself,read me a bedtime story,was there throughout the teenage years and above all loved me unconditionally and she is totally irreplaceable

DNA does NOT make someone Mum or Dad !!!

I can't agree with this enough. . My birth mother, at best, will be a special friend. She will never be my mum. That was the dear lady who brought me up (now deceased).

seven-day-weekend

!!!!!! wrote: »

I am just wondering whether you have really considered the birth mother in all of this. She gave away a baby over 60 years ago. How do you know that she wants somebody to start dredging this up again? What effect would a (possible) dark family secret being brought out into the light again have on an 80 year old?

I think you need to consider very carefully about whether it is right or you even have the right to drop this bombshell on her lap. She has put it to the back of her mind for so long that I do not think any good will come of going through with this.

I have thought about it long and hard. I think she at least ought to have the choice.. Her husband is dead and she has no other children, so no-one need know unless she wants to tell them. If she doesn't want to follow it up, that is OK, I will understand

seven-day-weekend

sparrer wrote: »

You have had some counselling, so should she not have the same courtesy? After all it's going to be much more of a shock to this elderly lady than it is too you. And just supposing for a moment it's not her, have you thought how this lady would feel to get such a letter from a stranger out of the blue? You say you're almost certain, but you have to be 100% certain before going ahead.

Yes, I know what you are saying and am still considering it. I could go back to the organisation where I had the counselling.

nottslass I agree with you. A birthmother may be a mum but not to the adopted child, she signed away that right when the adoption process was completed. And what of the adoptive mother, how painful would that be, having brought up and mothered the 'child' all their life to suddenly have that child called someone else 'Mum'. There are many more people to consider than just the child and the birth mother. My adoptive mother and father are dead, but there is NO WAY I would call anyone 'mum' except the dear lady who brought me up. She was and always will be, my mum. Nothing can change that. If I get to meet my birth mother, I assume I would call her by her first name.

Amanada65 agreed, in my experience it is more usual for birth mothers to yearn for news of their child than not. My concern is for the elderly lady who would have been looked down upon in an age when having children out of wedlock more often than not led to the family turning their back on the mother, so that she probably had to struggle to make a 'normal' life for herself afterwards. I think she went through enough without recieving a letter from a possible daughters family now.

See my comments in blue above.

poet123

As long as it is handled tactfully and that your birth mothers wishes are respected and you try to protect yourself emotionally, I can see no harm in making contact. A lot of good could come from this, not least that your BM would have family round her in her last years which she did not expect.

Janey3

Just to wish you luck with your possible reunion, have been there myself in the late 70s, unfortunately birth mother had died before I got there, but I got to meet 5 siblings and my birth father. It was, and will be for you, a very highly emotional time. It's sort of wierd having two families.

I wonder if your birth Mother had also given her details to the organisation some time in the past in the hope of a "marry up" should you ever wished to find her?

The very best of luck and happiness in your journey.

seven-day-weekend

I have been in touch with Adoption Services at my local Council and they will deal with it all for me. I think this is possibly the best option, although it will take longer. Still haven't absolutely decided how to do it.

Janey3

That's the road I took, via the Social Services,(Adoption) - they were excellent and counselled me through everything. They sought, found and gave me my original birth certificate and Court Order and then the ball got rolling.