Birth Mother

meritaten

I think you are right to make contact with this lady - it would harm no-one else as she hasnt any children who may be devastated by your existence. and her own parents are long gone.

for those who think that its best left alone - Truth will out and this old lady will have the option NOT to reply to the letter or to ask to be left alone. That is also HER right - just as its her right to have a relationship with the daughter she gave up for adoption if SHE wishes. If she isnt informed that her daughter has found her - then that is violating HER rights!

I do wish you luck hun - you already know any pitfalls and are prepared to face them, so I wont point them out to you.
Please let us know how you get on.

best wishes
merit

seven-day-weekend

I will let you all know howI get on. Still haven't posted the letter. Hubby says we'll look it over tomorrow morning, re-write it (it sounds like a business letter at the moment). and post it recorded delivery with a stamped addressed envelope. I have asked her to reply even if she is not the right person so I will know, and also if she wants no contact to let me know and I will respect that.

I will enclose a copy of my original birth certificate with my name and her name on and some photos of me, my husband and our son.

Watch this space.

scot88

I have no advice..but want to wish you all the best.

Lady_Tara

Just wanted to say good luck.

I traced my BM when I was 25 and she was 42. I went through a Norcap intermediary who contacted her by letter, giving a phone number or address for her to contact, and then left it up to her. I was pleased that she did get in touch, and we went on to meet several times although we have never become close.

I know you say you don't need "closure" but I do think that by sending the letter it will somehow settle things in your mind - sorry I'm not very eloquent and can't say what I mean, its such an emotional subject for me and something I feel very strongly about!

All I can give is my experience, and that has been it was something I had to do, I couldn't go on, not knowing where (who) I'd come from. But, Norcap made as sure as they could that they were approaching the right person.

Hope all goes well, keep us posted x

nikki702

I hope it all goes well for u x

GeeBee38

just wanted to say good luck,hope everything goes well

esmecullen

I wish you well with it BUT..........please consider this before you even send the letter.

A very dear friend of mine gave her bady up for adoption in the late70's. I wont go into the reasons why she did this as its her business.

Any flash foward to 4yrs ago............ the girl together with her boyfriend tracked down my friend.............. the boyfriend made the first contact............. my friend informed him that she had no interest in meeting ........... again her reasons are her business.

From then on it was continual harassment, telephone calls at all hours of the day, swearing and screaming down the phone from the girl.............. both of them are completely evil............... sorry but to my mind they are not people.

Anyway she changed her number......... the letters started then stating that they had her elderly mother's address and telephone number and if she didnt talk to the girl then they would call her elderly mother and tell her about it.............. my friend called the adoption agency and with their help obtained an injunction against them.

2yrs later my friend receives a call from her brother in law saying that her mother was ill after receiving a telephone call at 2a.m from a drunken female stating that she was her granddaughter and she should know what a !!!!! her birth mother was............... my friends mother weas taken to hospital seriously ill............ it caused a terrible row between my friend and her family........... they are now estranged. My friend is now also quite ill with depression.............. she has been that way now for 3yrs with self harming, etc...... I say that it was brought on by this evil cow......... sorry but again she is not a normal person.

So please think very hard and very carefully before you do anything .

If anything my friends experience is a good example why adoption records should npt be disclosed on demand, they should only be disclosed with the consent of the birth mother after contact by a trained professional and the wishes of the birth mother are taken into account

seven-day-weekend

esmecullen wrote: »

I wish you well with it BUT..........please consider this before you even send the letter.

A very dear friend of mine gave her bady up for adoption in the late70's. I wont go into the reasons why she did this as its her business.

Any flash foward to 4yrs ago............ the girl together with her boyfriend tracked down my friend.............. the boyfriend made the first contact............. my friend informed him that she had no interest in meeting ........... again her reasons are her business.

From then on it was continual harassment, telephone calls at all hours of the day, swearing and screaming down the phone from the girl.............. both of them are completely evil............... sorry but to my mind they are not people.

Anyway she changed her number......... the letters started then stating that they had her elderly mother's address and telephone number and if she didnt talk to the girl then they would call her elderly mother and tell her about it.............. my friend called the adoption agency and with their help obtained an injunction against them.

2yrs later my friend receives a call from her brother in law saying that her mother was ill after receiving a telephone call at 2a.m from a drunken female stating that she was her granddaughter and she should know what a !!!!! her birth mother was............... my friends mother weas taken to hospital seriously ill............ it caused a terrible row between my friend and her family........... they are now estranged. My friend is now also quite ill with depression.............. she has been that way now for 3yrs with self harming, etc...... I say that it was brought on by this evil cow......... sorry but again she is not a normal person.

So please think very hard and very carefully before you do anything .

If anything my friends experience is a good example why adoption records should npt be disclosed on demand, they should only be disclosed with the consent of the birth mother after contact by a trained professional and the wishes of the birth mother are taken into account

Well of course I feel for your friend, but I would not behave like that!

If my birth mother wants no contact with me, that's OK, I won't contact her again.

I do think however that an adopted person should be able to have access to their birth records though. It is very important to some people to know their 'roots' and after all, it is not their fault that they were adopted. I agree if the birth mother wants no contact, then there should be none, but still think the adopted person has the right to know who they are.

esmecullen

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Well of course I feel for your friend, but I would not behave like that!

If my birth mother wants no contact with me, that's OK, I won't contact her again.

I do think however that an adopted person should be able to have access to their birth records though. It is very important to some people to know their 'roots' and after all, it is not their fault that they were adopted.

I'm sure you are not...................... but my view is that by sending a letter may cause this lady a terrible shock....... surely you could get a Social Worker or someone from the agency to do the initial contact?

Sorry I dont agree with you there about adopted children having their records............... yes if there is a medical condition and history is needed ............... but what about the poor birth mother............ does she not have any rights .............. there could be a very good reason why a person gives a bady up for adoption and does not want contact............... I dont think it is right for an adopted person to be able to have the birth mother's records and then impose contact.......... what about the birth mother's right to privacy and confidentiality?

As I said in my previous post and I say this sincerely I do hope it works out well for you............ but please spare a thought for her age before you initiate contact......... again I would suggest that aprofessional deals with this and obtains concent before you get in touch

poet123

I think that all our major decisions come back to us at some point and we are obliged to deal with them. I feel for your friend and although her reasons are valid for her, clearly her daughter doesn't feel they are valid enough. Whose rights trump whose?

It is a hard one.