Just need a little rant - gonna hit the fan this week with in laws from hell

Andypandyboy

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Sorry guys again I don't have time right now, planning on responding later on. She is over-archingly a clinical scientist with a specialism. She's by no means a consultant and doesn't have basic medical training. She started in the labs and graduated to a more patient forward role but her main job involves planning treatment. I don't really want to elaborate further as if I did it would become very obvious who she is to anyone who knew her. Hope that makes sense.

If she is involved in planning treatment, I can see why she would want to be in the loop with her own son.

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

No insinuation at all - the patient safeguarding protocols at the Trust are clear in what they would've had to do.

Clear in that someones mother cannot help with personal care?

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Social Services became involved (and toddled off on their merry way happy I might add) because of malicious accusations made by MIL and FIL. Police were involved after FIL threatened bodily harm.

So you involved social services? I am not clear what kind of accusations would warrant their involvement rather than police involvement? Obviously, the threat of violence cannot be condoned regardless of provocation.

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

DH is not well enough to be alone with either MIL or FIL,

He is not well enough to be alone with his parents? Really? What do you think they would do to him?

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

the trip to the park was to take the children and it was merely a by-product to ask her along. We planned to visit the park's animal farm which is about ten minutes from her home. It seemed obvious to invite her along, but not obvious to be abused in this way. It was never about meeting her specifically on that day, but rather we are planning on doing this this week and, if we can, we'll try and meet you at the same time.

Back later. xxx

She queried your interpretation of a weather report....

Reading the posts as an impartial observer it seems that if there is fault on both sides here. I think the OP has never got on with her in laws and now that her husband is ill she is using the situation to get the upper hand. They are handling it badly, but they are now having to go through her to have a relationship with their son and feeling bitter about that, couple that with the horror of seeing your child at deaths door and you have the reasons why.

Everything is magnified under such circumstances. The kindest thing for the OP to do (and the one her OH will ultimately remember and thank her for) is to be the bigger person. Let his parents be involved, set boundaries, but don't sweat the small stuff. There will be no winners if the OP behaves as she outlined in her OP.

FBaby

I apologise for the insinuation that MIL was a consultant, although I was referring to her being able to cope if alone with her son, which I would think her training would at least qualify her to cope no worse with an emergency medical need than you.

I think I need to stop posting on this thread because the more OP post and the more I question how MIL is also being treated. I don't understand how OP's husband is well enough to take a family trip to an animal farm surrounded with kids (which I would have thought not the best place to be with still weak), but not well enough to be alone with his parents. Maybe I can see how MIL could have felt hurt and offended by the fact that he was well enough to take up such a trip but somehow not to spend time with his parents alone.

I think there is sadly a lot more to this family feud than shared, and many reasons why OP might feel miserable and maybe some good reasons why her MIL might feel the same too. It's a stressful time for everyone and it is clearly getting to OP, so I sincerely hope you can find a way to reduce your stress levels in a way that will benefit both you and your husband.

tea_lover

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

No insinuation at all - the patient safeguarding protocols at the Trust are clear in what they would've had to do. Social Services became involved (and toddled off on their merry way happy I might add) because of malicious accusations made by MIL and FIL. Police were involved after FIL threatened bodily harm.

My late grandfather had a catheter for several years, and had many stays in hospital. Both myself and my dad assisted with his catheter and other aspects of personal care many times. There were no 'safeguarding protocols' triggered by his granddaughter and SIL helping him.

Your husband may not have wanted personal care from his mother, I can fully see that. But to make out there's something 'untoward' (your word) about it is horrible.

Gigglepig

I wonder if there is more to this story. Playing devil's advocate, if MIL is a clinician, unless DIL is also medically qualified why would DIL not want MIL involved in helping her husband get the best possible medical care? Is the MIL extremely concerned about her son being ill and perhaps feels that the DIL does not take the decisions regarding treatment that MIL (who is very possibly better qualified) would make? Stupidity would be a reason for wrongfully accessing the medical records, but desperation could be a possible motive as well. Would be interesting to hear the MIL's side of this story.

OP, I understand your MIL and FIL sound difficult, but they must have been extremely worried about their son and not everyone handles this sort of grief well. Such serious illness puts a huge strain on everyone, and some people become almost irrational, other self centered or unable to take into account that others are troubled too. Are you and your MIL/FIL possibly a bit too wrapped up in handling your own stress and grief to be able to cope with how the others deal with this just now?

cheepskate_2

QUOTE: "I've advised them they may write to my husband (letter or email"


I found this a really really strange thing to say

The OP's whole post screamed out, about what she wanted and nothing about what her husband wanted......If maybe, I missed where she said, what her husbands views where please post as as far as I could see,It was all about her.

Why unless someone does not have mental capacity( which doesnt seem to be implied here), would a wife make this statement to their OHs parents, who must have been overcome with grief , that they may have lost their son......and who seem to be still loosing their son.

What stops the husband seeing his parent WITHOUT the wife...surely if he can make it to the park etc, then he isnt that incapacitated to need his wife to control him so much.

Errata

Stupidity would be a reason for wrongfully accessing the medical records, but desperation could be a possible motive as well.

Are you serious? The OP clearly states the the hospital has confirmed the MIL lab rat accessed " they've admitted in writing she's accessed DH, ds, my dad and my files." and additionally change the NOK details on her son's records.
That behaviour isn't stupid, it's actually criminal.

ecgirl07

Sounds like MIL and DIL are now at a point where they rub each other the wrong way and look to get rubbed the wrong way by the other.

This is mutually destructive and ultimately heartbreaking for the poor husband caught in the middle.

Gigglepig

Errata wrote: »

Are you serious? The OP clearly states the the hospital has confirmed the MIL lab rat accessed " they've admitted in writing she's accessed DH, ds, my dad and my files." and additionally change the NOK details on her son's records.
That behaviour isn't stupid, it's actually criminal.

Never said it was not criminal just wondering what her motive was, as I have seen others lose their heads when grieving. It is clearly stupid though, since it obviously would not go undetected. MIL could be a really stupid deranged criminal for all I know - Or she could be a desperate grieving parent going completely off the rails when cut off from care and care decisions by her DIL. It is all mere speculation since we don't know her side of the story.

theoretica

The OP says her husband has issues with memory and mobility - I can see how things like that might permit a family outing, but make a solo one impractical.

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

(happily he is now over it, aside from some residual issues with memory and mobility).

rinabean

It is incredibly unlikely that the police & social services are concerned for no reason. And the MIL showed what she was when she not only accessed her son's records illegally (and, in the process, tried to claim that his child, her own grandchild, her own flesh and blood was not actually of their family, all because of her hatred of her DIL) but also accessed the records of the OP and her father. You cannot in any way spin that as the poor shoved-out mother worrying about her son. No way whatsoever. Her motivation is hatred of her DIL for protecting her vulnerable son from her.

OP you really mustn't listen to people on these boards who can't stand a MIL not getting her way. She's being investigated at work and been spoken to by the police and social services, obviously there is a real problem here. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.