Just need a little rant - gonna hit the fan this week with in laws from hell

duchy

Errata wrote: »

It all sounds way outside the norm and a bit cloak and dagger ish. It wouldn't cross my mind to find out who'd had a look at my medical records, or my those of my close family, or changed the NOK info.
OP - how did you discover what has happened?

Really ?

If a hospital told you that you were not next of kin but your MIL was according to their records (and you knew darn well your spouse wouldn't have done it) then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that a MIL with access to hospital systems and a controlling way with her - just might have some involvement and ask the hospital to investigate.

missprice

Errata wrote: »

It all sounds way outside the norm and a bit cloak and dagger ish. It wouldn't cross my mind to find out who'd had a look at my medical records, or my those of my close family, or changed the NOK info.
OP - how did you discover what has happened?

I had to ask a few years ago. Someone accessed my records who should not have.
But she did it sneakily by using staff at the surgery. Could not prove anything obviously.
How did I know?
She stupidly told me what my test results were.

meritaten

if anyone feels they have a complaint under the Data Protection Act, then you can complain to the ICO directly. they don't DO compensation however they can investigate and take action where necessary. there is a time limit of 3 months from the last contact with the company or organisation. the form can be completed online here






https://ico.org.uk/concerns/handling/

AnnieO1234

Meritaten - that's brilliant thank you for the link. I'd be looking at also putting a complaint into the Care Quality Commission. There's a definite closing of ranks as far as the Trust goes.

Some people have asked why we became suspicious. Going back a year to when my husband was first taken ill, he was shuttled onto different wards prior to his final cancer diagnosis as well as being in an out of hospital like a bit of a yo-yo. Back at that point was when we knew she'd been altering next of kin statuses, and even DH’s phone numbers were changed to her home phone. As in a number he's not used in a long time. The hospital would've had at least two separate numbers in the meantime since he left home. Similar to Missprice’s experience, MIL told us the appointment line had called for DH at her home! Hmmm. It magically flipped back to her on three separate occasions in June/July last year before we finally put our foot down when he moved to the oncology ward. It wasn’t even that she was adding herself as secondary next of kin, it kept being put that she was primary and only next of kin. What you must understand is that we live an hour away from the hospital and prior to my husband’s diagnosis he had both kidney and liver failure (failure not failed) as well as splenomegaly. There were a number of quite serious events that included time with intensive care.

Errata – it all formed part of an overall complaint to the Trust centred around her behaviour. This included misrepresenting herself as a member of the care team, behaviour as I’ve already talked about regarding catheterisation, accessing medical records (both Next of Kin changes, and magically working out who our GP was).

Okay, I’m trying to work through the thread as best I can so apologies if I’ve already covered this before. FBaby asked why we couldn’t have changed venue from the park. The point was that we were taking our kids to an animal farm that week, it would enable DH to get out walking and the kids to spend some time having fun with animals. We chose one local to MIL and our invite to her was on the basis that we were doing it and it would be okay if she came along if she was free. It was never about meeting MIL, just an invite. By the very nature of the activity being weather dependant we had to choose which day to go on. The main point about it all though was that MIL couldn’t see beyond her own hatred of me (and I don’t use the word without knowing it’s strength) but rather just took it that I was being deliberately awkward, calling me a liar etc. It showed where her mindset was in this regard.

I believe at some point someone made the assertion that MIL obviously had always been ‘enemies’, quite the contrary. We were actually very close for the best part of a decade. But then children, moving away from our home town, DH taking a national job – it all started to decay from there. We were a MIL and DIL who would go out to lunch together without anyone else for no other reason than to enjoy one another’s company.

FBaby also asked why my husband couldn’t communicate with his parents. He is able to, and in fact (a point I will come to in a while) had been doing. But then three weeks ago his father texted (as is his default setting rather than calling) and when DH replied, FIL started getting aggressive with DH believing wrongly that DH was actually me pretending to be DH. My DH has been through enough without having that level of aggression at him, and more importantly my DH realises that even if it had been me replying his father was totally inappropriate in his reactions.

A few points for clarity.

MIL is not medically qualified in the sense of going to medical school and being a doctor.

MIL and FIL both made separate accusations to Social Services (again I repeat who went away happy) that I was abusing my husband and that he shouldn’t be in my care. Apparently I was waiting for him to die. (!) I involved the police after the threats of violence by FIL.

MIL would be unable to lift DH if he fell due to her own disabilities, so it’s not realistic to suggest that he could meet her alone even if all was well and she wasn’t trying to manipulate everything.

AndyPandyBoy made the point that she may want to be involved with the care of her son. Surely that’s my husband’s choice? And more importantly when we did let her know of decisions that’d been made, if she did not agree (for whatever reason) she would stamp her foot and storm out.

I genuinely don’t know if I should say what job she does on a public forum, although it would clear things up a little for all concerned. If anyone is particularly interested please PM me. To be fair I think I’ve probably mentioned it previously in other threads before everything deteriorated.

Okay so what’s the current picture?

Last Saturday we wrote to MIL and FIL explaining that as a result of their most recent accusations they were only, if they wished to remain in contact, to write by letter or email. I’m unsure if FIL has received his letter although don’t doubt he has and is probably sulking. (He’s never phoned since the solicitors letters of January). MIL decided to call my dad, because that’s the obvious thing to do, go and ‘tell on me’. She called him on Tuesday night crying her head off about the letter. To cut a very long story short, she was fully expecting that my dad would be able to make me change our minds about MIL. I messaged her making it clear that her attempt to manipulate me via my father would be construed as harassment in line with previous solicitor’s letter and that she should do as directed and email.

Thus ensued a series of emails back and forth between MIL and DH on Wednesday. DH told her how her and FIL had nearly cost him his wife and kids at what was the most difficult time in his life. He also made it clear that just because she is the type to sit and worry herself to the point of the worst possible thing being gospel in her mind, doesn’t make it true. She tried to justify their behaviour by saying it was because they didn’t get much contact. She ended that day by saying that she hoped that one day time would heal the rifts. They ended it with a feel free to email any time.

Fast forward to this morning, and the manipulative witch is once again at it. She’s emailed today to advise us she’d transferred some money as a gift for our wedding anniversary. Okay, fair enough. She then proceeded to say “I’m contacting you this way because I’m not allowed to call or text.” DH replied to say thank you, but also to reiterate that things aren’t going to have changed in a few days and that pointing it out is just causing further stress.

Personally right now I feel like emailing her and pointing out that she is once again attempting to manipulate the situation. This is the decision DH and I have made for the welfare of us and the kids. She pointedly said earlier this week that DH was to enjoy time with ‘your family’ meaning the four of us.

Here endeth the lesson – thanks everyone for your thoughts.

xxx

Errata

TBH her behaviour towards you, your DH and your dad coupled with her accessing records and falsifying them seems to be an indication that she's gone barking mad.
In your shoes I would cease all spoken, written, email, txt contact with her and your FIL and ask OH to do the same until everything is investigated and finalised.
If you respond to her latest communication you're simply playing into her hands, which is what she wants.

AnnieO1234

Unfortunately Errata the difficulty I would have with ceasing all contact is that that then allows MIL and FIL to claim that I am not acting in DH's best interests. At least if things are kept to email/mail then there is absolute concrete proof of behaviours if that makes sense. xxx

Ziggazee

Oh my. I haven't read all of this.....because I simply couldn't bear to read anymore. This is like something off Jeremy Kyle. She said this, he said that. Sending copies of weather reports just to prove a point! Surely you have more important things to do in your life. Move on!

fairy_lights

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Unfortunately Errata the difficulty I would have with ceasing all contact is that that then allows MIL and FIL to claim that I am not acting in DH's best interests.

But he's a grown man, if he doesn't want to contact them then there's nothing they can do. Are you worried they would complain to social services again? Even if they did I don't see what SS would do about it, especially if your in laws already have a history of making false allegations.

AnnieO1234

Yes Fairylights. It's patently obvious that they believe I've got DH under lock and key and that I'm somehow forcing him to cut off contact. I don't want them even attempting to say that I'm manipulating DH. It's funny, we took DS to the GPs the other day for his vaccines and I had to go back today for a routine BP etc. Even the practice nurse commented how much more relaxed we all seemed to be. Everything is a lot more relaxed now. It's very strange. xxx

Gigglepig

OP have you asked MIL straight why she has altered the next of kin details, told her straight out to make sure it does not happen again? Since she is family that's what I would have done anyway before going down the official complaint route which could cost her her Job.

If MIL and FIL were normal, rational and nice people before, then why the big change? Do you think not coping with the illness that started the bonkers behaviour? someone I know went a bit crazy after losing their adult child, alienated their whole family. it was as though nobody elses grief was as important as theirs, and that they were looking for someone to Blame. Things settled down after a few years but were never the same. Not trying to excuse them just wondering what may be the explanation.