Just need a little rant - gonna hit the fan this week with in laws from hell

AnnieO1234

They're allegedly supposedly appointing a caldicott guardian over it. Not sure what that entails, yet. Xxx

CruisingSaver

OP


The Trust should already have a Caldicott Guardian in place, normally a senior clinician. In the Trusts I've worked for its always been the Medical Director but this isn't the case in every Trust.


Irrespective of whatever MIL's specialty is, I would view her actions, as you've described them, as gross misconduct and begin disciplinary proceedings accordingly.


You may also wish to speak to the Care Quality Commission if the matter isn't resolved to your satisfaction.


CS

VfM4meplse

OP - move away and don't tell them. End of.

If this is unrealistic, it might be a good idea to find out exactly what your OH has been saying to your in-laws. Sound like there are missing pieces in this puzzle.

AnnieO1234

Vf4MePlse - not possible and wouldn't be much help for DHs memory. There's not really been a point in the last twelve months that I've not been with DH for him to have said something to them.

Sadly MIL is a control freak (I've known her for 12 years). At first it was less visible, but after we had our first child it really ramped up. It became even worse if at all possible when DH became ill. There were lots of things that meant we drew swords so to speak. Possibly the worst part was when he was first ill, she would try to remain in the room while he used a urine bottle, she had to be "reminded" to leave when he was catheterised and need moving - he had stage 3 bed sores and was totally immobile needing hoists to get him out of bed, turning etc. One time I had to physically restrain her from attempting to reach up his shorts leg, he was complaining he was in pain after a particularly careless incident involving physio and a full, left to hang loose urine collection bag. Her excuses were "I'm a clinician" (no cath training) "he's in pain" (call a nurse) and "I'm his mother" (and?! That makes it even worse.) I've opened that Pandora's box already and whilst DH assures me that nothing untoward ever happened I find his willingness to exclude her from our childrens lives now most curious.

She went practically apoplectic when she found out we'd taken out a health and welfare power of attorney. She didn't realise that we had one put in place when DH was first diagnosed, albeit it took several weeks to arrive back from the court of protection). I think she assumed I had a single POA over financials, the basic Enduring POA without the court involvement. She screamed (yes screamed in an A&E ward) that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on, my dad at that point stepped in and told her she'd better take that up with the court of protection. More screaming that he must've been coerced, I must've tricked him. When it was explained that our solicitor has to sign it off, that DH had to meet with the solicitor alone to so it etc she stalked off. She's quite a fan of stalking off actually.

Talking of stalking off. She did that a lot in what became comically obvious attempts to try and get you to follow her, to make a fuss of her and back peddle so she could get her own way. DH tells me, and I've seen it myself on odd occasion, that growing up she would arrive home and sit in stoney silence if something was annoying her. She would crash around barely talking, until DH or BIL asked what was up. Then the tirades would start. She couldn't just come in and whether calm or angry say something straight away, instead she will make everyone uncomfortable before exploding eventually. I realise now these are red flag behaviours.

She has attempted so many things it is mind boggling looking back how she's behaved. By her own admission she'd be happy as a communist (without the negatives obviously), she refused a six figure salary to work privately when certain consultants wished to set up at a local Bupa hospital. Why? Because they were not taking everyone in the team and of would be unfair. Why is this relevant? When DH and I were making a decision over how he would receive artificial nutrition, in conjunction with his gastro consultant, we chose TPN ( into blood ) rather than an NG tube (nose to stomach), a decision DH preferred as well as his gastro consultant. On finding this out, she arrived as we were waiting for a PICC line to be inserted, she turned around and said "but TPN is more expensive". I have no words. She then seemingly left, instead she had gone to create at matron that she thought it was the wrong choice etc etc. needless to say all it did was make her look stupid.

I could go on, but I'm going to have a read about the care quality commission, thank you cruisingsaver.

Xx

FBaby

Very hard to gather where your husband stands in the middle of it all, and frankly, that's the most concerning. It sounds like he is stuck between two stones, having chosen a wife who is probably very much like his mum without realising it! It's a common issue why there is often so much tension between the two.

It's difficult to gather from your thread how much it is your OH who is making decisions of his own to exclude his mum and how much it is you. Surely if his son has so much of an issue with his parents involved with his life, he should have cut all ties loose? Better to do it that way than to let such anger and stress build up.

Unless like most men in this situation, he loves both his mum and his wife, think that both are wrong in their attitude, but can't be bothered to pick up the battle because neither listens as it has become an issue between them, and so instead resort to trying to appease both separately, which also makes it worse as led both to believe that they have more of his support.

I really do believe that if it got to that stage where SS and the police is involved, if your OH is 100% behind you, then the kinder thing he can do for all is to say to his parents that he wants absolutely nothing to do with them any longer, at least until things can settle and they can maybe trying to rebuild their relationship with you not in the picture (physically and verbally).

CruisingSaver

Personally I think it's a little harsh and more than a bit inflammatory to suggest that the OP is similar to MIL.


IMO the OP's posts scream of the stress she's been under during an incredibly difficult time and the lengths she's had to go to in order to protect her DH, as a vulnerable adult.


Whilst some of the MIL's behaviour could be put down to her son being seriously ill, there is a lot that is incredibly inappropriate and concerning as described by the OP.


OP I would also look at the Trust's Safeguarding Policy and would ask if your DH had been assessed by the safeguarding team as a vulnerable adult.


Even if you just look at the unauthorised access and alteration of medical records without taking anything else into account, its appalling behaviour and quite frankly we don't need people like that working in the NHS.


CS

j.e.j.

CruisingSaver wrote: »

OP I would also look at the Trust's Safeguarding Policy and would ask if your DH had been assessed by the safeguarding team as a vulnerable adult.


Even if you just look at the unauthorised access and alteration of medical records without taking anything else into account, its appalling behaviour and quite frankly we don't need people like that working in the NHS.

Thankfully no-one I know works in the NHS, or at least not in the NHS in my area. I don't know what I'd do if a friend or relative worked in a doctors surgery or hospital and had access to my medical records. It would be very concerning, to say the least.

They could have a nosey at your records and not admit to having done that. You'd never be able to prove anything..

Errata

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Duchy and j.e.d. I am in the middle of a complaint with the trust involved, it's now with the chief executive himself. She's used certain information maliciously. I think if her job was less specialised (only nhs centre in uk to utilise the service she specialises in) she would be gone; there's been a distinct closing of ranks but they've admitted in writing she's accessed DH, ds, my dad and my files. Xxx

NHS centre? What does that mean? I find it impossible to believe only one NHS Trust, hospital or primary care practice in the UK provides the service she specialises in.

Better_Days

Well this is about control and I doubt that your MIL will respect your wishes.

In response to her behaviour you have chosen to permit contact on a very limited basis.

From what you have said I can understand why you have chosen to do what you have. Did your DH also sign the letter to your inlaws? If not I suspect your MIL will not accept that the views expressed are also that of your DH.

I have chosen to go 'no contact' with my Mother and Sister after years of my Mother's narcissism and my sisters support of her behaviour. Lack of respect for personal boundaries is typical, 'rages', and stewing over the smallest perceived criticism. IME this behaviour doesn't change because the person involved (and their enablers) believe that what they are doing is perfectly reasonable. Part of this personality pattern seems to be an inability to admit they are wrong, and a complete lack of insight or care of the impact of their behaviour on others. They seem to have no shame whatsoever.

So what to do?
Like the other posters it is not clear from what you have said where your DH stands in all this.

I think it would be useful for you to jointly agree how you will respond if MIL doesn't respect your wishes. Think through various likely scenarios given your knowledge of her behaviour, and the best way to cope. Don't dwell on it all, but do have a strategy. This gives you control rather than simply responding to whatever MIL does next.

Sounds horrible for you all.

duchy

CruisingSaver wrote: »

Personally I think it's a little harsh and more than a bit inflammatory to suggest that the OP is similar to MIL.


IMO the OP's posts scream of the stress she's been under during an incredibly difficult time and the lengths she's had to go to in order to protect her DH, as a vulnerable adult.


Whilst some of the MIL's behaviour could be put down to her son being seriously ill, there is a lot that is incredibly inappropriate and concerning as described by the OP.


OP I would also look at the Trust's Safeguarding Policy and would ask if your DH had been assessed by the safeguarding team as a vulnerable adult.


Even if you just look at the unauthorised access and alteration of medical records without taking anything else into account, its appalling behaviour and quite frankly we don't need people like that working in the NHS.


CS

I agree -and just what does FBaby think the OP should have done instead ? Ignored the altering of medical records ? Let the MIL stop agreed treatment ?

As for ranks closing-I think I'd be getting my MP to be making some enquiries at this point.